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Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Cleveland Steamer, Day 3: The Derpening

As the norovirus wends its way through the colons of these assholes (see what I did there?) gaggled in the arena in Cleveland, another round of lackeys and dogsbodies venture out to pay fealty to King Scumbag. The whole list of tonight's losers is here. Let the hijinks ensue!

In the above linked list of gutless political hacks, talk-radio yappers and such like, one name stood out not only as completely unfamiliar to me, but with a description that pings my asshole-dar:

Michelle Van Etten, Small Business OwnerMichelle Van Etten is a small-business owner who was recently featured in The Greatest Networkers in the World second edition. Michelle runs an international multimillion dollar network marketing business with an organization of customers and distributors of over 100,000 people and is a strong supporter of Donald Trump, knowing his policies will support businesses all across America.
I dunno about you, but that screams just two words to me, loud and clear:  pyramid scheme. Oh, they can tart it up with the modern phrase "multi-level marketing" or "MLM" or whatever, but a scam is a scam is a scam. Sure enough:

RNC press materials gushed about Van Etten’s work with Youngevity, declaring, "Michelle employs over 100,000 people and is a strong supporter of Donald Trump, knowing his policies will support businesses all across America."

The 100,000 figure is bogus; Van Etten told the Guardian's Jon Swaine "she was in fact part of a network of 100,000 sellers in the US, Canada, Mexico and other countries, in which distributors work to recruit other distributors. 'Nobody works for me, because we are all individual contractors, and we all have our own individual businesses,' she said."
Right. This is the sort of shit cartoon character Peggy Hill used to fall for, much to the chagrin of her phlegmatic, long-suffering husband. It makes perfect sense that once Van Etten got onstage, she started babbling about how she wanted to be a circus performer when she was younger, and how Drumpf is the "ultimate ringmaster." Kee-rist.

Some of you may be familiar with the vagaries of MLM, which happens to be rather popular among conservative folks. They're all basically slicker, smoother iterations of Amway; many of these pseudo-companies, such as Van Etten's Youngevity, prey in dual fashion on the faint of brain -- first in getting them to believe that their product will make them healthier, more energetic, etc., and then in convincing them that they can be financially independent by participating in this mess.

This is what broke-ass housewives do out in real 'murka, folks, when there are no more decent jobs to be had -- they try to get rich selling each other magic beans, or roping their friends into these rackets in the faint hope that the other person will do most of the work. It's a step above giving handjobs to their neighbors, but that's about it.

These people, the speakers and the audience, make me physically ill. I've said for years how reality teevee, with its ADHD fractal narratives and Manichean characters, has fucked up this nation's ability to think. It's pro wrestling for dingbats and morons. This party and its fuckfest of a convention proves my point in spades. I'm really less angry with them than with myself, for not figuring out a way to take their money, since they clearly have no respect for it.

But wait (as one of Michelle Van Etten's MLM rubes might tell a new mark), there's more. Rafael Edward Cruz, Junior, the Texan Cuban from Calgary, managed to fuck up one more thing in this protracted train wreck of a campaign. Cruz' big weakness is that he is every bit as narcissistic as Drumpf, but lacks the latter's inherent promotional skills. Both men are smarmy to an extreme, but where Drumpf adeptly conceals his smarm in a cloud of bluster and lies, Cruz comes off as that kid in your fifth-grade class who smugly reminds the teacher that it's quiz day.

So Cruz, because he seriously fancies himself as some sort of crusading political paladin, decides he's going to slip one last shiv into his arch-nemesis by telling the crowd to "vote [their] conscience," for which he was nearly booed off-stage, with Drumpf waiting in the wings, almost as if he was going to come up behind Cruz, beat him with a folding chair, and put him in a sleeper hold.

Even when Cruz is making a show of being "principled," he's nothing more than an amateur jerkoff. Here's the thing:  recall how in the primaries Drumpf made fun of Cruz' plain wife, lobbed other cheap shots at him, and finally repeated a National Enquirer "story" that insinuated that Cruz' crazy evangelist father was in cahoots with Lee Harvey Oswald? Remember all that shit?

Now, a normal man is going to want to punch a motherfucker in the throat just for insulting his wife. And Cruz tried to talk that talk. But when he dropped out of the primary race, Cruz gave up the game by saying that after all the insults, and after all of Cruz' phony-tough-guy responses, he was still going to vote for Drumpf. And despite his heresy tonight, he still will. Same with Rubio, same with Christie, Rick Perry, and the rest of these losers. Ultimately, this is why this party deserves to be destroyed, and its rabid constituents deserve to be forced to watch. Every person in that arena deserves to be fucked right in the neck.

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