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Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Se Llama Fuckface

The Clownstick Medicine Show went international today, heading down to Mexico to meet with that country's equally unpopular leader, to pretend not to discuss the virtual wall which is not going to be built, and for which no one but the US taxpayers will pay.

Really, the only thing noteworthy about this stunt is in the way the scampaign head-faked that it might or might not go, right up until the last minute, then sent the press charter plane to Phoenix for the later speech, while the scampaign plane headed for Mexico City. It was said that members of the press corps were (lulz) "seething," which means what -- that they're not going to sit in his fucking rally pen anymore and let his retard fans fling their monkey poo at them? What, and quit show business?

But then, they are trained and indoctrinated to give the rubes exactly what they want.

Monday, August 29, 2016

Dumbass

Weekend before last we Netflixed the Anthony Weiner documentary, and it was everything you'd expect -- a full portrait of a talented but deeply flawed man, someone who fought diligently for his constituents, even as he pursued a needless and self-destructive private life.

So it makes sense that Weiner's self-implosion continues unabated, in the midst of a hotly contested electoral contest that finds Weiner's spouse as the right-hand woman of the Democratic contestant. I suppose that's part of the psychopathology of it all, whether "they want to get caught" or whatever.

But the doc is a reminder of how passionate an advocate Weiner could be for the things he seemed genuinely to believe in.  Whatever his problem is, like with Eliot Spitzer before him, it has cost untold potential in terms of the good he might have been able to do.

Ordinarily you could make some cheap point about IOKIYAR, how guys like Weiner get their careers derailed even though they never actually have physical contact with anyone, while scumbag pigfuckers like Scott DesJarlais do far worse and keep getting re-elected. But the difference is that most of these Gooper douche-nozzles are transparent in their desire to accrue money and power and notoriety; they make no pretense about "public service" or some such nonsense.

Weiner really did and does come across differently, not just in the documentary but in countless interviews and media appearances over the years, he has unfailingly conveyed a presence of intelligence, confidence, integrity, and a genuine desire to improve the lives of his constituents. It's unfortunate that his demons keep getting the best of him.

Crapfest

There's a reason I rarely bother to venture onto Facebook anymore, and today is a perfect example of why, post after post after fuckheaded rant about how Colin Kaepernick should be "deported" or fired or what-have-you, for the high crime of expressing his opinion.

I think some people need to be reminded of what the great things are about this country. Perhaps the most important feature is that every citizen has the inalienable right to be wrong, and even to be a jerk about it. Without that basic right, nothing else matters, we would all just be slaves to the swirling winds of mob rage.

I'm just cynical enough to believe that Kaepernick, who had been on the verge of being benched in favor of Blaine Gabbert, is trying to get traded to a team that will start him, although there are certainly better ways to go about that. Perhaps Kaepernick is utterly sincere in his sentiments, in which case there might be better ways to communicate that. We don't really know, and it's not really important.

What should be important is that, after a year-plus of listening to Fuckface Von Clownstick paint this country as a festering hellhole for his adoring throngs, it's more than a mild coincidence that the most ardent of the anti-Kaep screamers are also the most devout Clownstick acolytes. This is the conservatard mythos writ small -- the conservative can complain about the gubmint interfering with his ability to make and keep his money, but the second someone complains about how they're treated by agents of that same gubmint, these people come unglued.

They loves them some Drumpf because he's sooo un-PC, but the fact of the matter is, these people are as PC about their own pet causes as the most tiresome SJW tweeting from their safe space. I tend to agree with them that their country is lost, but it's lost because they are moronic, intolerant rageaholics who probably need a diagram on how to wipe their asses properly.

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Wrong Question

Here we go again; get ready for yet another meaningless kerfuffle over an athlete expressing their opinion. Humble prediction:  not one (1) media entity will think to ask, Why do we feel the need to perform nationalistic chants at sporting events? What tangible need is served by this? Some people would probably miss it, but so what? Can we just watch a fucking ballgame without being pestered by your jingoistic nonsense?

None of those questions will ever be asked or answered by a corporate media entity. There would be too much incoherent whining and twittering.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Dr. Feelgood

It would be the irony of all ironies if, after several weeks of halfwitted sniping at HFC's supposedly dismal medical condition, Clownstick got hung up a bit on the complete bullshit five-minute letter his gastroenterologist wrote up for him as a favor.

This is by far my favorite part:
Bornstein didn't talk politics in Friday's interview but said he's a fan of his patient.

"I like Donald Trump because I think he likes me," he said.
Oh, that's a great fucking reason. I would be fucking embarrassed, literally ashamed, if someone of Drumpf's low-rent character and tenth-rate intellect had anything at all to say about me, seriously. Not even because he's a bad guy, but because he's an incompetent tool, a complete jerkoff. His praise and affection would mean nothing, like being slobbered on by a Saint Bernard. Drumpf is the Simple Jack of political candidates and Bornstein got the, uh, seal of approval.

By the way, again, if you're going to spend weeks making shit up about your opponent's supposed medical condition, you might want to at least pretend to make sure that your own doctor's reports are at least a little airtight, and not something a seventh-grader wrote to excuse his absence.

What You Wish For

So it turns out that new Philippine strongman Rodrigo Duterte is every bit the authoritarian scumbag he campaigned as. To which the correct response is, what the fuck did you idiots expect?
In the final days of the campaign, Aquino became more alarmed about Duterte, telling voters that “we should remember how Hitler came to power.’’ But Duterte’s fear tactics worked. He drew thirty-nine per cent of the vote, to Roxas’s twenty-three per cent, and popular support for him remains robust. In a poll released on July 20th by Pulse Asia Research, ninety-one per cent of Filipinos said that they trusted Duterte, while the more authoritative Social Weather Stations found that sixty-three per cent expected him to fulfill his campaign promises. “There seems to be a level of acceptance on how Duterte’s war on drugs is being conducted,’’ Palabay said.
Okely-dokely then. I guess the Philippines can fucking suck on it. Sometimes people get what they deserve. Any questions?

Call His Bluff

So this happened:
"Dwayne Wade's cousin was just shot and killed walking her baby in Chicago," Trump tweeted Saturday morning, misspelling the basketball player's first name. "Just what I have been saying. African-Americans will VOTE TRUMP!"
First things first -- I give less than half of a standard-issue fuck how Dwyane [rolls eyes] spells his first name, except to note for the record that one of the convenient features in learning how letters work in forming words and sentences is that each letter is assigned a specific set of possible sounds and are designed to work in sequential order.

But set that aside, and also set aside Drumpf's craven use of a tragic death to bolster his cheap racial scampaign rhetoric (which, of course, he has only proffered to lily-white audiences). Is there one (1) enterprising journamalist out there with access to Drumpf who has the stones to call his bluff?

I mean, let's hear it, asshole. What specifically would you, Fuckface Von Clownstick, do that would have prevented Nykea Aldridge from getting shot? Huh? Hmmm? What would you change? More cops on the streets? Great, how do you pay for that? Are they going to walk a beat and get to know the community they serve, or are they just going to swarm the 'hood in their patrol cars, bust some bustas, and then go back to their residential enclaves?

This mouthy moron talks a big game about every goddamned issue, but there's never any details. Okay, you Twitter fucktard, let's hear some details for once. Accepting the bullshit argument that the blacks all live in broke-ass urban war zones, what precisely does this asshole plan to do about it?

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Suckers

Another one for the Best News of the Week file. I hope every single one of those blue-collar morons at the rallies ponied up for this. I would love to know that they had used the money for the loan payment on their single-wide to donate to Fuckhead's scampaign, which he then in turn used to pay himself the jacked-up rent he charged his own scampaign.

Jesus H. Christ, how fucking dumb do you have to be to go along with something this obvious and transparent? Drumpf is basically a Nigerian prince at this point. Fuck these idiots, they deserve to get fleeced of every rusty nickel they have.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Policy

A motorist who happened to be white and deaf was killed last week in North Carolina, by a cop during what should have been a traffic stop.

Unfortunately, this is what it's going to take to make America look a little more closely at the policies that govern the rules of engagement for law enforcement personnel. Does that sound a bit militaristic? Good, because our local law enforcement departments have become de facto paramilitary organizations, like what you used to read about in banana republics, back when media entities had foreign offices.

Race is more often than not a factor in these incidents, but if we really want to get to the bottom of why harmless, unarmed people are being routinely killed by cops for no good reason, we have to address the training policy of using deadly force as a first resort, when it used to be a last resort.

Pay or Play

Apparently we're supposed to care very deeply about the trauma that Gretchen Carlson and Andrea Tantaros and other experienced over there at the elderly frat-boy manor of Fixed Noise. Nah, that's okay. I prefer to have zero fucks to give (ZFG) about that.

Look, far be it from me to side with Herr Von Clownstick on any particular issue, nor do I like the idea of women being subjugated by flabby old-boy douchebags. But so far there is no indication that Carlson or Tantaros or anyone else couldn't have just said fuck you, I quit and moved on. Is it hard to find a new job? Sure. But life is a series of choices, and these ladies made theirs, until they decided to make different choices. They chose to work for a propaganda outlet, serving as cheesecake smartasses, serving up calumny on better humans in the form of crummy jokes. They assumed that letting the bosses flirt and play grab-ass with them would further their careers (which, again, consisted merely of being the smug butterface with the lie-joke).

First Amendment Remedies

I'm basically inclined to agree with Strix on the demise of Gawker. Extra humor value comes in the form of them being undone by a couple of toads like Peter Thiel and Hulk Hogan. But mostly, yeah, you live by the hoke, you die by it.

Except here's the thing, in the form of we're totally sure he's gonna lose you guys, no problem! would-be god-emperor Fuckface Von Clownstick:  he's made no bones about his utter disdain for the "legitimate" press, and in fact has made an ongoing hate-sport of its members at his rallies. It's not difficult to see that a Preznit Clownstick (shudder) would instantly populate the White House Press Room with only the entities that spoke favorably of him. He might even pursue more (let's say) Putin-style modes of retribution on especially problematic journamalistas.

The real problem here is not that Drumpf might actually win (even though he might, there's a lot of time to go, people are stupid, and HFC seems determined to stick with her prevent defense), it's that most of his supporters share his vitriolic stance on "the media," which of course really means unfavorable press. So as the disinfo market gets niched, mostly through idiotic agitprop sites like Breitbart and worse (and believe me, they get a lot worse, not in the racist sense, but just in the sheer ineptitude of their sites and content), the marching morons get more and more distrustful of the conventional media outlets, and more and more vituperative in their stance against them. They would be A-OK with whatever their favored strongman/daddy figure chose to do with unruly media folks.

Complicity

Look, what Texas and other states are doing -- and have been doing for decades -- to undermine reproductive rights is shameful, despicable, disgusting (to use the Drumpfster's favorite word). There's no two ways about it, especially considering that the abortion rate has been steadily declining in this country for about twenty years now. There's just no reason for this nonsense, except that it inflames the rubes.

But this is an issue that affects poor women the most, by far, and so here is what I would ask those women:  Do you vote? More specifically, do you vote every time you can, even if a pet issue isn't on the ballot? Do you vote in the midterms? Because part of the reason so many of these fuckers are in office right now is because no one could be bothered to show up in 2010, or 2014. That's why you vote every time. That's why you follow the issues and the people, and pay attention.

A Nation of Rackets

Oh look -- in "water is wet" news, costs for simple (yet life-saving) medical devices are usuriously high. SOMEONE SHOULD DO SOMETHING!

EpiPen maker Mylan has become the new boogeyman of the pharmaceutical industry.

Following complaints from consumers that the company had hiked the price of the emergency auto-injector by $100 in recent months for no obvious reason, members of Congress are calling for an investigation. The price has increased 450 percent since 2004, when a dose cost $100 in today's dollars, to its current price of more than $600. Many consumers hadn't noticed the gradual rise in price, however, because the company often only added in 9 to 15 percent each time and insurance companies had made up the difference. But with recent changes in the deductible structure and co-pays for some health plans that have put more of the cost for drugs on consumers, many families have been hit with sticker shock.

So let's see if we have this straight -- a long-standing collusion of profiteering among a triangle of associated industries (pharma, insurance, HMOs) which has any number of congress-critters in their back pockets suddenly has said critters' antennae tingling, even though prices for the Epi-Pen (and any number of devices and medications) have been steadily rising for years.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Re-signed

The Drumpf Scampaign Express seems to have veered off into some seriously weedy territory now. The current "campaign" "manager," one Paul Manafort, has been replaced by none other than the high-larry-us team of Stephen Bannon (maker of the ricockulous Sarah Palin mockumentary Triumph of the ShrillThe Undefeated) and sheltered suburban mom (NSFW) Kellyanne Conway, mostly known as an empty talking head.

Bannon is an arrogant slob who should have choked on his ill-gotten pelf a long time ago, and Conway's defining characteristic is that she sticks to the script, even when it's an incredibly shitty script. In other words, they're perfect to pose as the takeover artists of this foundering Potemkin shop.

Not that they're not really on the scampaign team now -- of course they are. Bannon runs the deep-in-the-tank Breitbart site, whose collective nose is so far up Drumpf's wrinkled orange butthole, they have a secondary tan. Years ago I was on a booty call, and it turned out that she only had a bottle of self-tanning lotion available for lube. So my dick looked like a carrot for the next two weeks, which I still think is fucking funny twenty-five years later. That's Breitbart, whenever they extricate from Drumpf's puckered anus. They're an even more ideal propaganda arm than Fixed Noise.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Orange Like Me

"At the end of four years, I guarantee you, that I will get over 95 percent of the African American vote." -- God-Emperor For Life Fuckface Von Clownstick

Shorter FVC:  Don't you people know what's good for you?

Indeed, what would black Americans "have to lose" by voting for a thin-skinned con-man:
  • whose first major foray into the housing industry resulted in a federal lawsuit for redlining blacks and Hispanics from his buildings, for which Drumpf and Dad hired close friend (and vile scumbag) Roy Fucking Cohn to defend them;
  • who took out a full-page ad in the New York Daily News calling for the death penalty for the so-called Central Park Five, implicitly called for the suspension of civil liberties for "criminals," and when the CP5 were exonerated, trotted out the usual "a detective friend of mind told me" lies that guilty men were being set free;
  • whose most public encounters with black people appears to be schmoozing athletes and rappers, and feting scumbags like Don King?
Hell, I dunno, why don't we ask Cheryl Lankford?

Ugly Americans

Soon as the story first broke that Ryan Lochte and his swim teammates had been robbed at gunpoint in Rio, you knew something had to be up. After all, Lochte was able to cultivate a career as an affable doofus because he really is, by all objective accounts, an affable doofus. So it makes sense that he would almost cause an international incident by lying about a little post-party vandalism.

None of this obviates the fact that Rio is, again by all objective accounts, an overpopulated, crime-ridden dump where the wealthy live behind security systems and high gates, and the poor live clustered on hillsides in corrugated tin sheds. Lochte's story was believed precisely because it was so believable.

Between the 2014 World Cup and now the 2016 Summer Olympics, Brazil has made an attempt to draw "prestige" events that show it as a player on the world stage, rather than a over-large banana republic. Problem is, in dealing with FIFA and the (notorious) IOC, two of the most corrupt and useless "world" organizations outside of the UN, Brazil has merely managed to cement that reputation of those organizations and or itself as a country.

Lochte's indignation at being shaken down in the street for a fine by Brazilian street cops just shows what a dope he is. If he had pulled this shit in, say, New York City, and the cops didn't recognize him, he'd have spent at least a few hours in a holding cell in Rikers, one of the more terrifying places in this country. Lochte (and his presumably virgin asshole) should be thanking those cops for sparing him from a Rio holding cell.

Not that any of it matters; while the gossip rags and moral wags are scolding him for his bad behavior and poor international diplomacy, Lochte has gone back to his regular life -- swimming for a living, cashing fat checks, and banging hot chicks. What a country! We should all be so lucky.

Monday, August 15, 2016

Soulless

You know, it's really a shame that A-Noun-A-Verb-And-9/11 wasn't in one of the towers when the planes hit, because then we would have been spared the last fifteen years of having to listen to this lying cocksucker use the dead as convenient props for whatever he's trying to bamboozle the base on this week. The man is a ghoul, pure and simple.

Seriously, America, do your duty and flush these motherfuckers twice already.

Sunday, August 14, 2016

In Other News

It seems that everyone had the same bright idea after seeing the Bidens' summer playlist, to create a proper Onion Diamond Joe Biden playlist. Fuckin' A.

Here's what I like about the real Joe Biden:  I feel like he is probably aware of his Diamond Joe doppelgänger, and he thinks it's funny.

Crybaby

Yes, how dare the media report exactly what I said verbatim -- it's not fair! Waaahhhhh!

Fuck this incompetent motherfucker, and his moron cult followers. It would be poetic justice if the media simply took him at his word, and just stopped covering him altogether, but obviously that's too much to ask. They need him for clickbait as badly as he needs them for a punching bag at his rallies.

You'd think at the very least the reporters would get tired of being penned at the rallies like animals, to endure Drumpf's Two Minutes of Hate and the inevitable spectacle afterward of halfwits waddling by to scream "traitor!" at them and flip them off.

There's still time for these fools to rediscover their personal dignity, and just say fuck it and not go anymore. What might that be like, if the media pen was completely empty? He's going to make shit up and say what he wants to say anyway, but Il Douche is a parasite at heart, with unearned attention and adulation the lifeblood.

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Citizens Untied, Part 2: The New Model

So the rolling Drumpfster Fire has begun pulling in respectable dollars since its hokey start in May. And yet no ad time has been bought or reserved so far, and most of the billing seems to have been funneled back into Drumpf's pockets, simply by holding "events" at his own hotels and supplying his own branded water, wine, steaks, etc. And Drumpf's business history of fucking over contractors and/or waiting them out in court with specious lawsuits indicates that whatever campaign funds do not get spent probably will not be recouped without a fight.

This a much more scaled-up, but only slightly more sophisticated, version of the late great Fred (I say) Fred Thompson's primary run in 2008. Thompson lulled a lot of fokes with his Alabama drawl, but he was both an actor and a lawyer, had actually done and known a few things worth doing and knowing in his day, and was adept at using his physical size and speaking cadence to convince and motivate listeners. But he was also smart enough to know that he had no chance of becoming president, and seemed to run his campaign accordingly, a cynical cash-grab on the way out the door to retirement.

Citizens Untied, Part 1: The Art of the Grift

Keeping in mind that in politics, the first rule is always follow the money, there are actually two roads to pursue when following the money that Donny Boy has pulled in this campaign season.

The first should be painfully obvious:  since Drumpf is by nature and temperament nothing more than a con-man, a sleazy grifter plying his trade on oiled-up rubes from town to town, this is all a big money-grab for him. He's not spending any money on ads because that's not what the money's for. It's for reimbursing his properties,and padding the expenses on the invoice, after holding this or that "event" at said self-owned venue.

There is certainly some (probably more than some) truth to the notion that the Clinton Foundation is little more than a racket for political elites, greased with money-grubbing and favor-trading. But at least the Clintons put some of their own money into their foundation. The Drumpfs with their various "Human Fund" rackets simply shake down whatever friends they have left who want a tax write-off, put the money into a bag with a dollar sign on it, and then hang onto the bag until some media monkey shames them into handing over to an actual charity, at which point Donald or Uday or Qusay or whoever will act like it's their money they're donating.

But this isn't even that, it's a much more naked grift. Donny Boy owns Venue X, which of course is the yugest, classiest, most tremendous ever, believe me. So he holds a "press conference," guarantees extra coverage by saying something irredeemably stupid or needlessly provocative. Then the venue sends the campaign a bill for all the expenses they racked up for said event. All the refreshments and such like are purchased from companies controlled by Drumpf or one of his kids.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Word Smoothie

What. The. Actual. Fuck?

Look, having nuclear — my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at MIT; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Wharton School of Finance, very good, very smart — you know, if you’re a conservative Republican, if I were a liberal, if, like, OK, if I ran as a liberal Democrat, they would say I’m one of the smartest people anywhere in the world — it’s true! — but when you’re a conservative Republican they try — oh, do they do a number — that’s why I always start off: Went to Wharton, was a good student, went there, went there, did this, built a fortune — you know I have to give my like credentials all the time, because we’re a little disadvantaged — but you look at the nuclear deal, the thing that really bothers me — it would have been so easy, and it’s not as important as these lives are (nuclear is powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power and that was 35 years ago; he would explain the power of what’s going to happen and he was right — who would have thought?), but when you look at what’s going on with the four prisoners — now it used to be three, now it’s four — but when it was three and even now, I would have said it’s all in the messenger; fellas, and it is fellas because, you know, they don’t, they haven’t figured that the women are smarter right now than the men, so, you know, it’s gonna take them about another 150 years—but the Persians are great negotiators, the Iranians are great negotiators, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us.

I can't believe we didn't catch this a year ago, when it actually happened, not that he's gotten any better since. Jesus H. Christ, it's like a three-year-old took a handful of those word magnets you get at Barnes & Noble, and just hurled it at the refrigerator. Read it aloud in your best Drumpf voice to get the best effect -- merely watching the video doesn't do it justice, you have to concentrate to spout a drool of consciousness like that. It takes effort. I'm guessing it has something to do with how the crafty Persians rooked us on the nook-ya-ler deal,

Even Sarah Palin at her methiest makes more sense than this fuckin' jamoke. Fucking Fredo Arbusto never sounded this flat-out stupid.  Picture every speech, every ceremony, every diplomatic negotiation that a president must do, being done for the next four years -- hell, four weeks -- by the font of this supreme babble. Every phase of Donny Boy's game is completely, irrefutably incompetent. His business acumen, his common sense, his knowledge of the world, of foreign and domestic policy. He's an incompetent writer and speaker because he's an incompetent thinker.

Successful business people don't speak like this, to point out the obvious; their stakeholders would laugh them out of the room and then divest immediately. You wouldn't invest a roll of nickels with someone who sounds like a raving asshole on a sidewalk wearing a "The End Is Near" sandwich board. But then, Drumpf doesn't have stakeholders, because no one with any sense would put their money in one of his ventures. The long-standing joke is that he's a free-riding clown who lives on other people's money. That sounds about right. I hope Deutsche Bank eats every dime he's borrowed from them. It would serve them right.

Millions of morons want this man to lead the country, and he's probably not qualified to lead his own company. His defenders keep touting his streams of inarticulate chunder as some sort of "common man" qualifier, as if average people went off on random, incomprehensible tangents routinely, as if being clear and articulate with language wasn't, you know, one of the most vital components of the job.

I Started a Joke

"Jokes start with 'knock-knock' and 'what do you get when you cross a....'" -- Dale Gribble, King of the Hill

It does not matter at this point whether Drumpf was "joking" or "sarcastic" or whatever bullshit he and his lackeys pull out of their asses. It might have made a difference several months ago, but that time has passed. Coming just a couple weeks after one of his campaign advisors openly called for HFC to be "shot for treason," and not only went unpunished by the campaign but has since been praised by Drumpf himself, it's irrelevant whether Drumpf just had a Freudian slip in the midst of another word-salad, or if he was dog-whistling.

Honestly, I have no real idea if Drumpf actually wants or expects Hillary Clinton to be attacked or assassinated by would-be Second Amendment "defenders." And that itself is a major part of the problem here -- that you can't really tell. He routinely speaks in such vitriolic, heavily personalized language that assumptions change. In the past week alone he's referred to her as a "devil" and a "monster." It's only a matter of time before one of the halfwits in the crowd decides to take him literally. If they think someone is an actual monster who will bring on the apocalypse, they might do just about anything to prevent them from succeeding.

He has staked his campaign on painting a heightened, hyperbolic caricature of his opponent. This requires not only calling her a monster, but lying about her positions as well. He has to know that he's lying, but beyond that, he knows that we all know he's full of shit. He counts on his cult not caring about any of that. They have their own set of facts, which change and morph with Dear Leader's mercurial temperament.

Tuesday, August 09, 2016

Burying the Lede

While the media chases its collective tail over Drumpf's Second Amendment, amirite? wink-and-a-nod to the (judging from the number of applause breaks) crowd of drooling morons, they're missing the real story here. Throughout the entire speech, he's either incoherent or flat-out lying, there's simply no in-between whatsoever. Many people are saying he's a fucking moron who can't stop lying. Sad!

Here's a fun incoherent part, where he talks about Carrier air conditioning moving a manufacturing plant to Mexico, and how he'd single-handedly stop it all (unless, of course, they were Drumpf Signature Line Air Conditioners, the classiest and coolest air conditioners you can find, they're tremendous, believe me):
And two things are gonna happen, one of two things — one of two things are gonna happen. Number one, if you get them in time, they’re not moving. Throws it all off-balance, since they’re all off-kilter. Number one they’re not — now, nobody — people would say well, why doesn’t anybody use this? Why doesn’t anybody mention it?
SPOILER ALERT -- he never makes it to number two. Sad! I think we all needed to know that second thing that was totally gonna happen.

Plop Fiction

Uh, yeaaahhhhh, I think we've heard that tall tale before. Funny how there's no description of the guy with the crowbar, or his vehicle, or how an elderly man gets beaten with a crowbar and doesn't need to go to the hospital, or how this supposedly happened "last week" (what day?) and we're just now hearing about it. These people are nearly as incompetent at lying as their bozo of a cult leader.

This story is in a number of outlets over the last few hours, all of them simply reprinting the original AP feed word-for-word. Did I miss something, or is the ASSOCIATED PRESS, like the Holy Roman Empire, no longer any of those things? I honestly can't believe any sort of qualified editor let this be released as a news item. Fucking Perez Hilton does more rigorous fact-checking.

Ten bucks says there is nothing, or nearly nothing, true or accurate about this story. But, you know, maybe a NEWS AGENCY could verify some facts and details before putting it out to the nation. This is what happens when your corporate media collectively says "fuck it."

Monday, August 08, 2016

Detroit Crock City

Let's all get ready for the Big Drumpf Pivot, in which this fucking clown, after more than a year of acting like a fucking clown, is suddenly going to show us how presidential he thinks he is. Billed as an economic policy speech, this was really just a teleprompter-driven, toned-down version of his usual stump speech, with a few economy-based generalities thrown in.

Let's look at the high points, such as they are:
  • Simplifying the tax system to just three brackets;
  • Capping the business tax rate at 15%;
  • Reduce "job-killing" regulations (and presumably the jobs of the people who enforce them);
  • Pull out of the TPP and renegotiate NAFTA;
  • Slap tariffs on countries who won't negotiate "fairly";
  • Commit to spending on infrastructure;
  • Bring back coal industry jobs;
  • Repeal the estate tax.
Obviously, most of this is the usual supply-side bafflegab we've been enduring off and on since the Reagan (PBUH) years. There's nothing new here. Working on the free-trade agreements is actually not a bad idea -- and even HFC has stated a willingness (for what that's worth) to look at both TPP and NAFTA -- but there are domestic conditions that must be addressed before that can happen, or it will absolutely cause trade wars which would definitely cost jobs and probably a recession as well.

Sunday, August 07, 2016

Playing to Stereotype

Yet another piece about how Drumpfkins don't care about "facts." No surprise there, what's kinda fun is the accompanying photo:

Is it smug and mean and all that to poke a little observational humor at these folks, based strictly on how they look in the photo? Sure, but that's never stopped yours truly. The thing is, the most consistent pro-Drumpf argument the cultists have been able to muster is that he'll brings jobs back. (Though, of course, not his own signature line products.)

But -- and again, I'm being a dick here, but tell me I'm wrong -- none of the people in the photo look employable for much. I do like how Tattoo Woman, rather than making any effort to cover up her sleeves and leggings, simply threw on some jorts and a tie-dyed tank, with a jaunty ribbon in her hair. You know, like church.

Friday, August 05, 2016

Punchy the Whale

Seems like it's been a while since fat Mexican George Zimmerman has been in the news for something stupid, so it's good to be reminded that he's still kicking after all. At least until Herr Drumpfski's Deportation Task Farce makes an assumption and dumps his ass in some random Central American craphole.

Something to Consider

I know we're all against the death penalty now, some of us out of principle, and some (like myself) because in practice it is an enormously flawed and corrupt process, but the fact is that Dylann Stormfront Roof is 22 years old, and the rest of his life, even if he lives to be eighty, will be just like this, unless he finds someone to "ride" with for protection:

Dylann Roof was attacked after he was let out of his cell to take a shower at around 7:45 a.m. Thursday, Charleston County Sheriff Al Cannon said at a news conference.

As Roof left his cell, inmate Dwayne Stafford “ran down the stairs and was able to get to Roof, who was at or near the shower area,” the sheriff said.

Stafford, who is black, punched Roof “a number of times and assaulted him quickly,” Cannon said.
Don't worry, the guards can be trusted to keep young master Roof in (to use the colloquial) PC:
Officials are investigating how Stafford managed to get through a steel cell door with a narrow vertical window and down the stairs to reach Roof.

The two detention officers assigned to the unit are being interviewed and officials are also looking into the possibility the electronic door mechanism malfunctioned.

The area of the jail is for federal and high-security prisoners. It has two tiers of cells and the shower Roof was using was in the center on the ground floor. Cell doors can only be opened by officers sitting at a control console.
Yeah, that is indeed a mystery. Sure hope they get to the bottom of that. So to speak. Start with the equipment malfunction. Lose any videotape of the event that might exist. One thing we definitely know for sure is that prison guards are absolutely incorruptible.

Don't get me wrong, I have zero sympathy for Roof and whatever demented cause that drove him to his fateful moment, although Roof clearly came from let's say suboptimal circumstances. But the fact of the matter is that life without parole also presents a complex set of dangers and challenges: people who are literally disincentivized from attacking other inmates, guards, etc.

Supposedly the death penalty will be sought against Roof, and maybe it'll happen, or maybe it will just enable them to keep him in a more supervised environment for the next half-century. Either way, chances are Roof will spend the rest of his life not contemplating his sins, but deciding whether to become prey or predator. That's all the carceral state is anymore.

Thursday, August 04, 2016

Beg to Differ

There's no need to statsplain the obvious confirmation-bias arguments, that people tend to believe what they want or need to believe, despite the facts. I honestly hope no one bothers with the hardcore maroons. There's just no percentage in it, and in fact, sometimes it has to be acknowledged that there are simply some people who do not learn the obvious and see what's in front of them until you break one off in their ass.

Look, when you say, essentially in the same argument, that people won't respond to facts, and that you can't convince them, you're admitting upfront that it's a waste of time to try to reach out to them. You might be able to sway them if they meet you halfway, engage with some semblance of intellectual honesty. Let the rest of us know if that ever happens to you.

Immigrant Song

I can't imagine anyone cares too deeply about any "inconsistencies" in Melania Drumpfski's story about emigrating to the US -- except, of course, insofar as it highlights the likelihood that her husband might be less than sincere in his commitment to keep out the furners.

Hell, this is the third time this week something has come up that undermines Clownstick's credibility on this issue. Late last week, it came out that Drumpf was hiring nearly 80 foreign workers at his Florida country club, because it's tough to find busboys to clean up after overfed swells or something. Yesterday, HFC shrewdly toured a tie factory in Colorado, comparing their ties with Drumpf's signature line, made in China. Of course, since Drumpf's name is his real product, he is indiscriminate about using workers from other countries to support it -- clothes made in Asia, furniture made in Turkey, etc.

I have seen commenters -- reasonably sane ones -- on websites, propounding their belief that Drumpf is sincere about reforming immigration laws, keeping out the moooslims, removing the illegals that have stuck around too long, yada yada. I find it somewhere between ridiculous and pathetic that, after listening to this man's foolishness for the past year, anyone could think he's sincere about anything, anything at all.

Recall that Drumpf pitched his tent early on as a birther, and a not terribly committed one at that, but just visible enough to serve as a rube magnet, to corral a base of true believers for the run. It's just marketing for (and to) morons, telling them what they want to hear. What's his slogan, Stop me before I'm forced to employ more furners!?

No one should be surprised, by the way, if it happens that the Drumpfkins really just want the brown people gone. Which again, is just one in a long line of reason why these dopes deserve everything they got comin' to them. You want sincerity? I sincerely wish they could get Drumpf, without the rest of us getting any of him on us. It would be a great way to thin out the herd.

Tuesday, August 02, 2016

Loser

Does it need to be pointed out that (especially three months out) only people who know they're going to lose talk about the contest being rigged? At least he's consistent in his fucking incompetence. I sincerely hope that after this shitshow is finally, blessedly done, the only thing keeping him from living on the sidewalk is the allowance he gets from Putin.

Come On Motherfucker

I've got nothing to lose but my apathy, the root of the problem has been isolated. -- Clutch, Come On Motherfucker

I suppose I naively thought they'd wait until closer to the actual election to spread the lie, but they're starting three months out.
"I'm afraid the election's gonna be rigged, I have to be honest," Trump told the crowd.

....

"If there’s voter fraud, this election will be illegitimate, the election of the winner will be illegitimate, we will have a constitutional crisis, widespread civil disobedience, and the government will no longer be the government," [Drumpf advisor] Stone said. He also promised a "bloodbath" if the Democrats attempt to "steal" the election.
Yeah, I have guns too, asshole. Bring it, you fucking Roy Cohn butt-boy. Let's dance.

The main thing to note here is that, like Corey Lewandowski, Stone was dismissed from Drumpfski's campaign, yet still continues to function as a surrogate. Hmmm, I wonder what the deal with that is? There's being a cynical, soulless, political animal, and there's trying to incite civil unrest. Fuck Roger Stone, although I'm sure someone will at the next swingers' club he visits.

Let's beat these fuckers until they don't know what hit them.

Monday, August 01, 2016

The Straight Talk Express Keeps Rollin'

Senator McCain has strong, empty words for the Khans, and for America:
"I cannot emphasize enough how deeply I disagree with Mr. Trump's statement. I hope Americans understand that the remarks do not represent the views of our Republican Party, its officers, or candidates."
Yeah, you might want to tell that to your own party nominee, numbnuts.

Look. I like John McCain. I respect his service and sacrifice. I probably would have voted for him in 2000, depending on who his running mate would have been if he had gotten that far. I was pissed at the shitty rumor-mongering, then and since, that Grampa Walnuts had taken one too many hits from Charlie at the Hanoi Hilton, that Johnny Mac had snakes in his head.