Career Opportunities

I hope for Jim Comey's sake he knows what he's doing, because from the cheap seats, it looks like he's lamely trying to cover his ass and pretend to be an honest broker. But what he's really doing is feeding fresh material to a conspiracy theorist, and could conceivably throw the election in doing so. Congratulations on your moral purity, asshole.

Oh, and that dipshit pervert Weiner is welcome to kindly go fuck himself already. Good job, buddy, now please do us all a favor and go away, be a plumber or sell oranges by the freeway or something. You've done quite enough damage.

But even Weiner is an order of magnitude better than that worthless cocksucker Chaffetz.

Parasite

David Fahrenthold still deserves the Pulitzer. Donald "Fuckface Von Clownstick" Drumpf is still a scummy, skinflint dirtbag who deserves to live on a fucking sidewalk and beg for change.

In the linked article, a line from one of Drumpf's "books" is excerpted:

“We’ve benefited from the American Dream and we feel the duty to give back to the community,” he wrote of his family in “The America We Deserve” in 2000. “Those who don’t are nothing more than parasites.”

Couldn't agree more, and as Fahrenthold has spent the better part of the past year painstakingly chronicling, Drumpf and his offspring have never done a goddamned thing for anyone else that didn't also -- or in many cases only -- benefit themselves and their interests.

Think about just one of many examples of this -- Drumpf literally used foundation money to pay the seven dollar fee for Fuckface Junior to join the fucking Boy Scouts. That's as bad in principle, if not in volume, as him using foundation money to buy life-size paintings of himself. Seriously, there's something wrong with a person that does this, or cashes a thirteen-cent check.

These people continue to be living, breathing, slithering proof that there really is no such thing as karma. They are liars and frauds and utterly soulless con artists, and they should be ridden into the throes of desperation and poverty at the soonest available moment.

Voterhead

Clownstick's whinging about the voting process being rigged finally came true. Looks like someone took the old "vote early and often" saying literally. Is anyone out there surprised at which candidate this felon supports? The only surprise here is that it wasn't in Florida.

For normal people, this will prove to be a fine example of how the process to ensure electoral integrity actually works, therefore minimizing the mechanical possibility of fraudulent voting. For the dipshit Drumpfkins, who are fact- and evidence-challenged, this will simply confirm their suspicions that while everyone games the system, only the good guys get caught.

Send 'em back to their holes, folks.

IOKIYAM(oron)

Just a reminder:  you can rant and tweet and fulminate your pending revolution on any and every media platform for a fucking year or so, and no one will do a goddamned thing, but if you make a lame joke in a Williamsburg bar about offing The Clownstick, the NYPD will pull your ass in for a few hours, "lose" your ID, and generally spend the evening reminding you what happens when you fuck around in a po-lice state.

Drumpf has spent the better part of the last month deliberately trying to sabotage the electoral process, and delegitimize Clinton's administration before it even starts, but the real threat is some numbnuts public-school history teacher running his mouth after one too many Blue Moons. Good to know.

And Joe Walsh can go fuck himself with Drumpf's tiny bronzed dick. No doubt the Stormfront retards cluttering up Twitter buy into Walsh's "musket" schtick, pretending it means something other than what it obviously means. The idea that "musket" is synonymous with boycotts and voting (or not voting) in protest is preposterous even for a moron deadbeat dad like Joe Walsh. His tri-corner tinfoil hat ain't getting him out of this one.

Walsh and his cohort might be surprised to find that some of us pussy libruls actually own weapons as well, and the first one of these dumb cocksuckers that decides post-election to take seriously his own micropenis-grabbing horseshit is going to discover the pleasures of an ass full of lead. I've had more than my fill of listening to these whiny assholes with their heads-I-win-tails-you-lose logic. Either accept the results as they land, or get the fuck out, and we promise to do the same.

Show Business

The rumor earlier this year that the true goal of Drumpf's whole scampaign was to start his own reich-wing "news" network was just too seductive, too perfect. It didn't have to make sense, because it sounded exactly like something Clownstick would do. It's all he knows, it's the pro-wrestling reality-teevee simulacrum he understands.

That rumor still persists, and in fact apparently Drumpf's pelf-grubbing scum-in-law reached out to the "boutique" lender LionTree, only to be rebuffed. And this is why a teevee network is a no-go.

Of course, that is an entirely different matter than whether or not the rumor is true -- which itself points up the fact that Drumpf, for the thousandth time, is a lousy fucking businessman. After all, this is someone who has failed -- hard -- at selling gambling, vodka, steaks, and football. In America. How do you fail at selling any of those things in this country, much less all of them? Might as well go broke selling blowjobs.

Or outrage, this country's favorite non-pharma drug. This is another easily produced item that Americans cannot get enough of. But for a squirrel-bait cornpone caudillo like Drumpf  to even try to have enough focus to push something like a teevee network is just a bridge too far. He clearly is incapable of doing much beyond picking his nose.

Long Way Down

In its late but welcome death throes, Drumpfistan seems to have declared nuclear jihad on everything and everyone. His latest target is the chairman of the Ohio Republican Party. It goes without saying (but we will anyway) that Ohio is a fairly important state in the scheme of things.

This is awesome and at the same time unsettling to watch. It is more proof on an already-high stack just from this past week, that the Drumpf scampaign is in full-on bunker mode. Candidate and fans live not only under their own set of "facts" but rules of logic. Only the polls that show them winning are accurate. The election itself is rigged and fraudulent, unless Cheeto Hitler emerges triumphant.

This is the sort of "heads I win, tails you lose" self-serving bullshit that used to lead to people being burned or drowned alive for witchery, never minding that if they were actually witches, they could get easily get out of the crude restraints. It is the logic of morons and children, people with at best a random epistemology.

Dr. T and the Women

So many takeaways from Bungle in the Jungle 2. Only one more to go, unless Clownstick, you know, pussies out. But it had everything, didn't it -- from the banana-republic threats to the silent stalking to (ultimately) Drumpf's innate need to show at every opportunity what sort of scumbag he actually is. Trotting out Bill Clinton's alleged rape victims to throw in the face of Hillary Clinton is a new low, even for Drumpf.

Hope his poised, precious daughter is proud of dear ol' Dad now -- you know, if she wasn't already proud of him creeping through beauty pageant dressing rooms like a fucking perv, or telling Howard Stern that he could refer to her as a piece of ass. I guess money buys a lot of forbearance, just like it buys a lot of plastic surgery.

With the outing of Bill Cosby as a serial rapist just prior to the 2016 campaign startup, there was always the possibility that, with Hillary as the expected Dem nom, BC's '90s antics were going to come back to haunt him. Look, from a standpoint of cheap agitprop, it really doesn't matter if Bill Clinton is a rapist, or just a philanderer with poor eyesight -- you can't preach a gospel of never questioning a rape accusation, and then trying to brush aside inconvenient accusations.

That said, I can't be bothered to give more than a fuck and a quarter at best about Juanita Broaddrick and the rest of them. They can't not realize that Drumpf is using them as props, and has already discarded them, as they are of no use to him at all. If they think they have been cheated by the justice system, then let them do what Cosby's accusers are doing -- band together, get a lawyer, and take his ass to court.

What Drumpf has been doing all along of course -- emotionally, politically, etc. -- is gaslighting his followers in particular, and the country in general. He makes shit up, denies he said it minutes later, accuses his accusers of having ulterior motives. It is the worst sort of emotional manipulation, far worse than any political candidate at any level in our lifetimes, and it is a clear indicator of how he would function in elected office if enough of us were stupid or spiteful enough to give him the opportunity.

At the very least, he's a pigfucker who despises women. That much is abundantly clear. But the Gooper pols who are shamelessly invoking all their female relatives as excuses to distance himself from the pussy-grabber are just as bad, maybe worse. They are just fine with disempowering women, making their medical decisions for them, making them take a fucking Greyhound bus 500 miles to find the nearest Planned Parenthood clinic because they don't have one in their own state anymore. But they're oh-so-offended by a hot-mic circle-jerk in the back of Billy Bush's Bangbus. Hey, fuck you. No one's buying your little "shocked" act.

Drumpf's implosion seems imminent, and more than justified. Frankly, I hope this rotten motherfucker and his entire shitbird family end up on the fucking sidewalk giving handjobs for crack. Every goddamned one of them is a conniving, money-grubbing, soulless sack of shit. But what we really have to watch out for is how is more, erm, energetic followers handle their hero's impending doom.

But that's okay, and entirely expected. Most of them can be distracted by Black Friday deals and discounts on cardboard containers of salted, deep-fried fat. In the meantime, let's bury this fucking prick.

Midnight Rambler

Sleep became more elusive as he got older, a jumble of half-remembered dreams and nightmares punctuated by regular trips to the pisser. Every ninety minutes or so, it seemed like, frequently more often than that. Thoughts were fleeting, and usually careened into the next one without warning.

Bladder must be the size of a fucking dime, he thought. They don't warn you about it. They tell you about the prostate, and making that pilgrimage to Dr. Jellyfinger. But they don't warn you about the plodding regularity of having to piss in Morse code all the fucking time.

Getting up several times a night changed the way he slept. He was a heavy sleeper as a kid, burrowed deep into the gamma-wave movies, waking with only vague but real impressions -- fear, lust, power, violence, success. As he matured and became more accustomed to the many privileges life had in store for him, he slept less and less. The parties never stopped, and even though he never indulged in the booze and drugs, he was always at the center of the action. Keeping score was his drug of choice, and he used money and women and bullshit to move the point counter.

He Can't Help Himself

The hilarity, she continues. No surprise that it doesn't take a Howard Stern to set Drumpf on "full douchebag," even preznitential cuz Billy Bush can bring it out of him. Within months of his marriage to his Slovenian mail-order bride, Drumpf was driving hard for the hoop on Nancy O'Dell. Like, he took her furniture shopping and everything.

And just when Paul Ryan was finally coming around to Drumpf. And now the RNC muckety-mucks are no doubt convening and conspiring, trying to figure out how to dump Gump, make Pence the front-runner, and tack on -- oh, I don't know, let's say Chachi or Screech or some other cartoon character. So long as we keep in mind that Pence treats women even worse than Drumpf or any other frat boy idiot -- he did, after all support and sign a bill requiring burial or cremation for fetuses that are aborted or miscarried.

Of course the diehard rubes will remain unswayed. He talks about women like they talk about women. Hell, I've talked about women disrespectfully -- you know, when I was 22 and lived on Jack Daniel's and the next woman I happened to meet. Never said the "grab 'em by the pussy" line, though. That's just weird and stupid, even for a drunken 22-year-old. But Drumpf was almost 60 at the time of the tape, just married for a third time, and with four children, three of them grown.

But even the diehards have to be wondering now. This is really not about how he treats or talks about women, as abysmal as that is. This is about judgment and common sense. What sort of a dumbfuck, especially one so obsessed with PR, says this kind of shit in a segment where a cameraman is present. Only a complete moron doesn't assume that the camera is always on, that the mic is always hot.

He couldn't resist the chance to show off for a presidential cousin/nephew, because he never can resist such things. He thinks he is BMOC, and as such is always compelled to play the role. And everyone knows that a real stud just walks up to dames, pulls them aside, gives them a kiss and grabs their pussy. Because that's what "stars" do. Seriously, is there anything this guy isn't completely inept at?

There's your fuckin' hero, your savior, you inbred flyover country dipshits. How do you like him?

This just got fun. Getcha popcorn. By next week the slogan might be changed to Two in the Pink, One in the Stink.

Agony and Irony

Howard Stern has always thrived on being a disruptive prick, so I'm a bit skeptical of this analysis of his undoing of Drumpf over the years of their mutual opportunism, but it would be a nice irony if true. Regardless, this is a nice pull quote that sums up Clownstick's life nicely:

At last, [Drumpf] emerges in the Stern tapes as a kind of humorless George Hamilton figure—a lecherous has-been measuring his march to the grave in New York Post mentions.

That's basically all the guy has done for the past thirty years ago, suck up PR space and attach himself, barnacle-like, to the hull of America's Flying Dutchman public life. This is the secret to Drumpf's success and staying power -- his minute attention span, boastful ignorance, and empty phrases mirror perfectly those traits in his audience. The more passionate the cult follower, the greater the statistical probability that they, like he, actually have little or nothing to offer, but are simply too clueless to know it.

A Friendly Reminder

While the media bozos and overpaid "analysts" offer their various interpretations of who "won" Tuesday's veep debate, there is only one takeaway that you should deem important -- while Drumpf is a cheap, transparent oaf and con-man who is merely pretending to be whatever it is he thinks people want him to be so that they'll vote for him, Mike Pence is the real deal.

The only thing Pence is pretending about is his support for Drumpf. And you can bet the evangelicals are now carefully calibrating their narrative from "Gawd gave us Drumpf" to "Gawd gave us Drumpf to deliver Pence." And Pence is a perfect vessel for them -- smarmy, hypocritical, oppressive to all Others.

The best way to defeat them is to set up any number of grifts to fleece them out of their money, so they have less to contribute to the next psychopath who tries to curry their favor. It may be time to get serious about coming up with a merch line.

Going Native

The WaPo seems to have cornered the market on these "get to know the Drumpfkins" pseudo-anthropological expeditions into Pennsyltucky and such like, to properly limn the narrative of the angry rube. Friday's profile of a clearly deranged Drumpfkin has ruffled some righteous feathers, and at the very least, I would say that the writer did much better work in her profile last year of racist murderer Dylann Stormfront Roof's circle of friends. But this is mostly due to the strictly fish-in-a-barrel nature of Melanie Austin's story, which you could say with a high degree of certainty will not end well.

And of course the trend continues today with an exhaustive study of the denizens of Middletown, Ohio. It never ends, as there are countless towns like this across the country that have been left behind in whatever economic recovery the United States -- as opposed to merely the inner cadre of wealthy and powerful people who actually run it -- has experienced, and they are all populated by angry, bewildered crackers who all appear to have bottomless wells of outrage, but zero will to actually do anything about their sorry lot in life.

After reading enough of these things, you can't help but wonder if they're cherry-picked, or if that's basically all there is to pick from when talking to Drumpfkins. They are startling in their near-perfect consistency, again expressing volubly their anger and bewilderment at how things have gone for them, but having no ideas about what they themselves can do, as adults in a free country who are responsible for their own volition.

Prickrolled

Every time these goobers get gulled, it puts a song in my heart. Every. Fucking. Time. I can't think of a more deserving group.

Taking a Yuuuge Drumpf

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Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Catching up from a nice long weekend away at the coast, it cannot go unmentioned how bizarrely, incredibly stoopid Drumpf really is. This Alicia Machado thing is unreal.

Let's concede, just for the sake of argument, that Machado is and has done everything her detractors claim she has done -- helped a gangster boyfriend getaway from an attempted murder; threatened a judge; banged a housemate on a Mexican reality show while dating a baseball player; had a kid by a hitter from the Sinaloa cartel; done a few pornos. Let's say it's all true and verifiable, that Alicia Machado is something less than (you'll forgive the pun) a model citizen.

Even so, at last Monday's debate, Hillary Clinton nailed Drumpf on any number of issues of real substance -- his non-payment of taxes; his lack of knowledge about the Iran deal; his imaginary ISIS plan; his unbridled joy in fucking over small businesses. So instead of responding at all, much less substantively, to any of those charges, Drumpf comes unglued and spends the entire week rationalizing why he was right in fat-shaming some pageant dingbat that everyone had forgotten about twenty years ago.

Seriously, what's wrong with this guy?