Inside Larry King: The Lost Columns

Hello, friends and fellow goofballs, and welcome to another spitball session from the Sultan of Suspenders. Let's check the feedbag of news and potpourri....If there's a more useless sack of shit in the US Senate than Ted Stevens, it must be whoever's hand is up his ass....My favorite play from the Republican playbook is "Rams 25 Cutback" which usually involves Bill Frist, a bottle of Jim Beam, a rusty knife, and a litter of kittens....If you look up the word "underrated" in the Larry King Oxford Edition, you'll find a picture of Judge Reinhold....Next month's issue of Martha Stewart's recipe magazine features her new special pruno recipe, as well as 3 quick and easy ways to make your own prison-grade crank with household chemicals. Uncle Larry likes a shot of the booger sugar every now and again....Is it wrong of me to hope that Ken Lay's obvious case of ass-herpes is fatal?....No truth to the rumor that James Guckert chose the pseudonym "Jeff Gannon" because it's an anagram for "piping-hot man-chowder"....Don't come any closer, pal -- I'm strapped like Richard Grieco in 21 Jump Street....You say "milf", I say "the wife on Everyone Loves Raymond, whatever her name is"....What should I get John Bolton for a congratulatory gift -- a new toupée or some mustache color? Maybe a new leather teddy would be a nice surprise....I'm Larry King, and these suspenders are painted on.