Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Splendiferous Magnicality

[Heywood is taking a few days off, to further contemplate his navel. Today's guest blogger is boxing promoter/man about town Don King.]

Hello, friends and boxing fans, and welcome to my perspicacious invocation of magnitudinal trilarity. I have not blogified before this juncture, but in a way, you could say that Don King was the original blogitator. The Rumble In The Jungle? That was Don King. The Thrilla In Manila? All King, baby. Just as you typinating nerdophiles come up with phraseonology to demonstrate your cleverosity, so I started it all back in the day, to make a buck or two off Muhammad Ali's brain getting sloshed around in his cranial crevassity.

So lessee what the first tale of interstational complicity we have here. Whoo-ee! Looka like Hezbollah sponsored a King-tastic demonstration in Beirut to support the Syrianite occupation troops.

Now, Don King don't know no Lebananians from no Syrianites, but Don King do know about them Black Muslim bean-pie bow-tie motherfuckers. Goddamn they drive a hard bargain. They don't believe in no interest, and they worried about communitarian developmentation all the damn time! Don King like communties and shit too, but damn, a brother gots to take time out for a brother, see? I knew some of those bastards in prison too. They don't crack for shit, but at least you don't have to watch yo' ass around them. That booty-bandit shit get you kicked outta the Brotherhood with a quickness.

Let's lookee a quote or two here from the article-izer. Y'all din't think Don King know muthafuckin' HTML, do ya? Recognize, fool!

Some news reports estimated Tuesday's crowd at 200,000 protesters but CNN's Beirut Bureau Chief Brent Sadler said it was difficult to give a figure -- save that the attendance was "impressive."


It's impressive if they charged fifty bucks a head and ten bucks for a bottle of water. Depends on what the promoter's piece o' the action is. I usually get 15% off the top for my promotional considerosity, then another fifteen for managerial expertisiousness. International venues I get an extra 20% from the gross for splendiferous magnicality, and if you don't know what that shit is, that's why you ain't lightin' cigars with Franklins. I need another 25% for overhead, because more people will show up and buy $75 glasses of Cristall if I can put John Travolta and P. Diddy up ringside.

You know what you really need for your rally, man? A boxing match. I can help you out, but it'll cost ya. I'm a man of God, and God drive a Bentley when he ain't driving his Jag, you feel me?


Songs of resistance and nationalist speeches blared from loudspeakers. The crowd sporadically burst into singing the national anthem, hoisting Lebanon's red, white and green cedar-tree flag.


Naw, naw. You know what gets 'em movin' is some Who Let the Dogs Out?, that kinda shit. Mama Said Knock You Out. Ain't no national anthem give you the eye of the damn tiger, 'cept maybe Canada's.


Two huge vertical banners at the front of the square read, in English: "Thank you Syria" and "No to foreign interference," a reference to American, French and United Nations pressure to remove Syrian troops from the country.


Banners? Don't use no stationary banners at your event, chump. Rent a couple cue-card girls in bikinis to walk through the crowd. That's the way we do it in Don King's America. Anything less would be mendacious scamboogery.


Like the anti-Syrian demonstrators, the protesters carried with their Lebanese flags pictures of assassinated former Prime Minister Rafik Hariri.


Rafik Hariri?!? That muthafucka owed me money! And now he's dead. Damn. These Syrianites, I catch 'em and I'm gonna get me-dee-vil on they asses, like that chump I fucked up back in the day. Come between Don King and his chedda, and yo' ass is fair game. Believe that shit.

Wait. Rafik Hariri? I don't know that fool. I was thinking of Amiri Baraka. Next time I see that n----, I'ma kick his ass. You readin' this, best take one of yo' bitches down to the check-cashin' place, 'cause Big Daddy's comin' over with his collectin' bat, and there's interest on that shit. I ain't bean-pie, fool; I gets my vig.


CNN's Sadler said that rather than this being a protest against other Lebanese, the national flag was being displayed as a sign of unity -- this time by those who believed a Syrian withdrawal would lead to instability.

"The numbers here speak for themselves," Sadler said.


The only thing that speaks for itself is cash-ola, fool! They needs to make a flag-size dolla bill and run it up a pole, so Don King can salute that muthafucka!


Many of the posters displayed Tuesday denounced U.S. policy in the Middle East, particularly over Resolution 1559, which also calls for the disbanding of militia including Hezbollah.

Sadler said the anti-U.S. message was repeatedly made by speakers addressing the very large crowd.


Now, why my Arab brothers got to talk down the ol' US of A? Look at Don King. Only in America can a man stomp another man's face into a sidewalk, get out of prison in just a few years, and become a millionaire for teasin' his hair. Where else, fool? Not Iraqistan. Not no Lebanania. Ain't no millionaires in Syrania like me, dammit.


After Monday's agreement was announced, Syrian Ambassador to the United States Imad Moustapha said the pullback to the Bekaa Valley will happen "in less than two or three weeks," and "all of our troops" will then be moved "into Syria itself."

Asked whether that will include Syrian intelligence personnel , he nodded his head and said, "Everybody. Everybody."


Don King wonder what happen then. You know, I read a damn newspaper once in a while. Don King knows shit so's he can proteck his chedda from Whitey. And Don King knows that Lebanania is a fractitious place, rife with sectarian muthafuckas. They all mixed together like Gramma's gumbo. Damn, that shit was spicy! If the Syrianites pull out overnight, do the Israelites then have to go in to keep the lid on that kettle of gumbo? Do Americans? Don King's running out of poor kids to exploit -- ah, train for boxing grandiosity.

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