Top Ten Reasons Why John Bolton Is So Angry

(as read by John Bolton)

10. That fucking treacherous cocksucker Voinovich is going to regret the day he crossed me. I'm gonna go through his garbage and climb up his fucking ass like a king-size gerbil.

9. Stupid fucking cunt assistant knows goddamned well I like TWO sugars, NOT one! TWO SUGARS! Got that, bitch? You're doing it on purpose, aren't you?

8. Who the fuck wants to know?

7. Fucking North Koreans kept calling me "Colonel Sanders", and asking me for "bucket of flied chicken" in the middle of nuclear negotiations, snickering and mugging like Mickey Rooney the whole time. As in, "We cease all nuclear production at Yongbyon immediately -- for bucket of flied chicken!". Fucking assholes.

6. Goddamned fags getting married. What the fuck is this world coming to?

5. What kind of fucking turd loser asshole thinks that a UN diplomat has to be either diplomatic or approve of the UN's existence, much less both? Jesus Christ, make up your fucking mind already, Comrade.

4. That fucking frog bitch in the Audi that cut me off in traffic the other day. She fucking saw me, I know she did, because she flipped me off back!

3. I really just want to be held.

2. People seem to think there's something fucking funny about the blinds not matching the drapes. You know what's funny about that, wisenheimer? Nothing! I'll have you counting caribou droppings in Nome for the rest of your rotten fucking life if you cross me, I swear to fucking God. Oh, hi, Mister President! Heywood and I were just discussing Alaskan environmental policy -- weren't we, Heywood?

1. Because it's possible -- unlikely, but remotely possible -- that someone in the liberal media might put down their fucking Pope-goggles for two seconds and talk about some of the major ways I have personally made the world a much more dangerous place, through reckless brinksmanship with North Korea and Iran, and through defunding and foot-dragging programs designed to round up all the old Soviet nukes so they don't fall into al-Qaeda's hands. If people knew the truth about what a useless, feckless sack of shit I was, I'd be this month's Bernie Kerik, without the Ground Zero fuck-pad and the funky hizzos.