Another Reason Why They Hate Us

There is something so aggressively vile about the very concept of "competitive eating", it's difficult to put it into words. Fortunately the San Francisco Comical has graciously decided to help. Putting it in the guise of a poorly-written cultural pride puff piece is just gravy, so to speak.

For those unfamiliar with this sport, competitive eating is just what it sounds like: Contestants sit down in front of a huge pile of baked beans or matzo balls or pulled-pork sandwiches, the timer starts and they eat as much as they can, as fast as they can, until the time is up.

Lest you think this is some cheesy county-fair sideshow, know that competitive eating has become a hugely popular sport (a designation some observers object to) with its own governing body, the International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE).

Uh, yeah, "lest" you get the crazy idea that wolfing down hot dogs and matzo balls is some kinda freak show, the IFOCE is here to set you straight, and to ask you if you're going to finish that.

Frankly, I would have thought that IFOCE would be on temporary hiatus while Revenge Of The Sith is in theaters, but maybe the lines moved fast for them.

The number of contests has grown from 12 eating events in 1997 to more than 100 last year, 20,000 people show up to watch the Wingbowl each year and Nathan's Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Championship, the Super Bowl of competitive eating, appeared on the Jumbotron in Times Square last year. According to Richard Shea of the IFOCE, competitive eating is the fastest-growing sport in the world.

Second-fastest. The inadvertent winner is the natural by-product of this goon-fest, competitive shitting. You have any idea what eating 62 hot dogs in five minutes will do to your cloaca? Try passing a Volkswagen through your asshole and tell me that's not a sport, Champ.

Competitive eating has spawned its own celebrities as well. The No. 1 eater in the world, Takeru "the Tsunami" Kobayashi, won the last Nathan's contest by eating 50 hot dogs in 12 minutes, doubling the previous record. The 5-foot-7-inch, 145-pound Kobayashi also blew away the elephantine competition on "The Glutton Bowl" by outscarfing them and wrapping up the proceedings by slurping down 50-plus cow brains.

The diminutive Thomas is second in the world only to the similarly slender gobblemeister, the latest and greatest in a tradition of Japanese eaters who pose an ever increasing challenge to American eating supremacy. (The Coney Island title went to a Japanese eater in 1997, and the Japanese have owned it ever since).

This actually does qualify as strange, that slender Asians are world-beating trenchermen, but so what? What kind of fucking loser jerk watches this crap, much less participates in it? Jesus H. Christ, don't you morons have sock drawers to sort out or something?

You know, I'm not a proponent of suicide or anything, but when your life has devolved to such a useless cesspool that you will waste your God-given moments watching some skinny freak (that you would normally sidestep on the street) scarf several dozen hot dogs in a few minutes, it may be time to consider the therapeutic benefits of eating a bullet. Hell, make a competition out of it, see who can eat the most bullets before time runs out. Whatever floats your leaky boat, retard.

On the IFOCE Web site is a proclamation: "There is an century-old prophecy within the competitive-eating community, dismissed by most, that foretells the rise of the One Eater, a woman who will electrify America's gurgitators and lead them to international victory once again. Like Joan of Arc before her, this eater will be slender of stature but mighty in strength. In recent months, the prophecy has been mentioned more and more frequently as the eaters have watched Sonya Thomas excel in nearly every contest she enters."

Jeebus. So it's really just pro wrestling with nitrates. Sweeeeet. And it seemed at first like it was all about the strategery. I, for one, am shocked.

Thomas, who grew up poor in South Korea, was born competitive. "I hate to lose," she said. "I hate to lose." Thomas moved to the United States in 1997 and settled in Alexandria. Back then, she had little else in her life besides a job, and her spirit continued to, well, hunger for more. It was so bad, Thomas said, that she became depressed and even considered suicide. But everything changed in 2002, when, on television one day, she saw Nathan's Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Championship. She knew in a split second it was for her. "It was my dream, " she said. "I just wanted to be there. They looked like celebrities because they were on TV eating."

It goes on, for far too long. Oh, the competitive yearning and striving. Look, you dumb cunt -- if you're such a fierce competitor, why not become competitive at something useful? Huh? Hmmm? Am I supposed to be uplifted by a woman being rescued from the throes of suicidal depression -- by a hot-dog-eating competition? Are you fucking kidding me?

God, does it get worse, and interminably longer. It's like watching grass grow -- mutated, awful, weedy grass. Come-from-behind stories of derring-do that are supposed to be somehow heroic or inspiring -- but they're eating fucking hot dogs! Oy, it makes your head swim just thinking about it. I hope they're so proud of this they televise it on Al Jazeera. Democracy Hot Dog Sexy!

More nuggets of wisdom from this stupid sack of shit:

You can bet she'll put every ounce of steely determination she has into trying, though. "Koreans care about winning," she told me. "Korean people, their mind. Do you see that? In all sports, they try to be the top one. They care only about top one; they don't care about second one, third one. You know, it's Korean style. That's why I learned that, too. In my life, I have to be top one -- you know, that's me. I cannot take second place, third place."

You know, there is an old saying, from the wonderful Larry Sanders Show, where Larry remarks about somebody as "he'd suck a dick to win a sack race". It's a clever shorthand to refer to someone who is hyper-competitive over things that mean absolutely nothing. Sonya, I'm not at all impressed by your eating "prowess". I couldn't possibly care less if you sucked down 100 hot dogs in two minutes flat. Really. It's eating, stupid.

This whole "Korean gotta be top one" bullshit -- gimme a fuckin' break. Name one thing that Koreans dominate in, besides nail salons in Garden Grove. One thing. This is not to say that they, like many ethnicities, don't have a perfectly fine work ethic. But this broad is positively delusional. Take a quick straw poll of Korean citizens -- Say, would you folks rather have the world's fastest hot dog eater, or the #1 economy? "B", you say? Well, come on! This chick can suck down six dozen hot dogs in ten minutes. Aren't you impressed?

And so forth. This is the epitome of abject, pathetic gluttony, of hopeless losers who should have cultivated a useful and productive talent, but instead are content to gorge themselves in front of throngs of braying retards in wife-beater T-shirts and flag doo-rags. Meanwhile, significant chunks of the human population around the world starve, or are chronically malnourished.

Worse yet, they seriously seem to think they're doing something besides engaging in mere food porn.