Inside Larry King: The Lost Columns

Greetings, suspenderheads, and welcome to yet another airing of the grievances from all things Larry....I say go easy on American Idol spreader-of-sunshine/blower-of-smoke Paula Abdul. After all, it's not as if she fucked William Hung or something. Of course, if Hung fucks like he sings, she'd wind up with a nose full of spastically thrusting mini-cock anyway. She bang! She bang! Oh baby...My pick for Rizzo in Joel Schumacher's developing New Line remake of Grease -- none other than well-cured slab of ham Brian Dennehy....I've always thought of Steve Miller as America's Bryan Adams....Top your list of boutique celebrity fragrances with Suddenly Larry. It's a heady melange of Metamucil, Werther's Original, and a special suspender-cleaning fluid I get from a Hasid in the Garment District....You know who can really mine some comedy gold out of a toilet-paper holder and a rubber band is that Carrot Top....The next time the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame passes up KC & The Sunshine Band, they might as well go into witness protection, 'cause I'll go all Robert Blake on them and shit....Note to self: brown in back, yellow in front....I dare you to tell me with a straight face that Treat Williams wouldn't have made the ultimate cinematic Batman....Rumor has it that the First Lady paid Jeff Foxworthy $20 for that Bush-jacking-off-a-horse joke. It's amazing how easily the stuff translates right over from "you might be a redneck if" to "you might be the ignorant asshole running the country if"....I'm Larry King, and I'm kinda hoping that's not just a roll of quarters in your pocket.