Rummy Acts Tough

Secretary of Ghetto Armored Transport Vehicles Donald Rumsfeld lobbed a thinly-veiled threat at countries who may be harboring terrorist/Hitler Junior al-Zarqawi while he recuperates from injuries he may or may not have, depending on which dispatch from his website you choose to believe. (Recall that for several years, US intelligence was not 100% sure Zarqawi had one leg or two. I am not making this up.)

Rummy, holding out hope that Zarqawi is too grievously injured to flee or be treated in secrecy, neglects the obvious possibility that he's just playing possum again. However, just in case:

Rumsfeld said he thinks Zarqawi, the military's No. 1 target in Iraq, remains in the country. But if Zarqawi flees, Rumsfeld said in a news conference, any country that accepts him "would be associating themselves with a person who has a great deal of blood on his hands."

Rumsfeld didn't specify how the United States would deal with any of Iraq's neighbors that sheltered Zarqawi. Iraq is bordered by Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Syria, Turkey and Iran.

So it'll be a sliding scale of punitive action, depending on which neighbor gets caught harboring Zarqawi.

• Kuwait: Pay them to turn Zarqawi over to us, let them jack up the payment, send half into the Halliburton Kickback Fund, and "lose" the other half, like that $9 billion they "lost".


• Jordan: Engage in quickie propaganda campaign to inform Americans where and what Jordan is, and gauge their reaction as a finger to the wind on whether to rattle the sabers or open up the checkbook.


• Iran: Engage in disinformation campaign to shift blame to Syria. Pressure Italian and British intel agencies to concoct documents to wave as evidence. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.


• Pakistan: Pretend not to notice. Um, but really we're lookin', honest.


• Saudi Arabia or Turkey: Beg forgiveness, genuflect loudly, and promise not to ruffle their feathers again, pretty please o masterses of the preciousssss.


• Syria: Get Toby Keith to get crackin' on some finger-snappin' jingo two-steps for the cephalopods to waggle their tentacles to. It's Shockin' Y'all time agin, podna!

Not that it matters. Catching or killing Zarqawi or Bin Laden won't change a thing. But you already knew that.