[SCENE: EXT. shot, parking lot of FOOD MAXX in Chico, California. Our hero, HEYWOOD J., is parking his shitbox 1991 Honda Accord, Iron Maiden's Powerslave blaring from the MP3 player, and preparing to get out to enter the store for his weekly ration of dark rum and Coke w/added lime flavoring. Out of the corner of his eye, Heywood spots two RELIGIOUS MISSIONARIES canvassing the parking lot, making their way toward him. Heywood inwardly mutters to himself, and mentally prepares a polite but firm demurral of their offer of everlasting boredom.]
MISSIONARY (perkily): Hi! How are you this afternoon?
HEYWOOD (politely but warily): Good. How you guys doin'?
MISSIONARY: Oh, we're great, thanks for asking. Say, did you know that God has a plan for all of us?
HEYWOOD: Really. A plan for the whole world?
MISSIONARY (excitedly): Yes!
HEYWOOD (walking toward store): Huh. Well, tell Him the plan's goin' just fuckin' peachy.
[END SCENE.]
Iron Maiden, rum'n'coke, and a blasting, en passant, of God's faithful souljers--it doesn't get any more awesome than that, Heywood. I wish those holy fuckers ever came my way--they would rue the day they were born, those woeful lunatics.
ReplyDeleteCraig, don't whet people's curiosity and then let them down. My heart went pitter-patter when I head of books that show you everything. Those are not Scandinavian books of universal compass they're advertising up there. It's just your run-o'the-mill spam mail for 'cheap' mortgage and personal loans. It's in Flemish or Dutch.
--Marius
Thanks for the props, guys. Oddly, rather than just stomping these poor sods, I think I actually just wanted to lay something out there that might get them thinking a bit: "Yeah, maybe there are a few kinks in the Grand Master Plan, aren't there?"
ReplyDeleteOf course, that's an exercise in futility, but hey, they were keeping me from my rum 'n' coke, dammit. Had to do something.
It's a very white-trash scenario, now that I think about it. If I had a mullet and a gum-chewing skank in a tube top riding shotgun, the stereotype would have beeen complete, I suppose. As Craig can attest (I hope), I am almost depressingly average in appearance, though.
As for the spam, I immediately spotted the goofy "ij" diphthongs of Dutch, and "krediet" made me assume some sort of financial scam. But words like "gewoon" and "wanneer" -- I don't know Dutch, but that did seem a bit off. (Then again, most of Dutch seems a bit off anyway. Like German after a dozen rum 'n' cokes.) Flemish. That would be cool. I can live with Flemish spam.