Top Ten Surprises At The 2007 State Of The Union Address

10. A drunken, disheveled Dennis Hastert has to be forcibly removed from the Speaker's seat after showing up early, chaining himself to the chair, and knocking back a fifth of Yukon Jack and a Costco bag of Baken-Ets.

9. Speech repeatedly interrupted mid-sentence by overzealous standing ovations and woofing from James Inhofe and Thad Cochran. This eventually causes Bush to forget where he is, and he ends up accidentally proposing ending the death tax for Iran and North Korea, and tactically nuking unwed mothers.

8. Cheney goes commando, insists on telling everyone just to see the look on their faces.

7. TelePrompTer cuts out, forcing Bush to improvise. After 25 seconds, he's already lapsing into "izzle" talk.

6. 2008 White House Correspondent's Dinner emcee already selected -- kid-pop singer Raffi, who as it turns out, also does a kick-ass Ari Fleischer impersonation with a ball-gag and buttless chaps.

5. Jar filled with formaldehyde, some hard-boiled eggs, and what is reputed to be Saddam Hussein's penis is placed strategically on Cheney's podium as a silent warning to all.

4. Condoleeezzza Rice wears stiletto heels and a pleather skirt; Robin Givhan gets a week's worth of drooling "columns" out of it.

3. New Cabinet post proposed, Department of Baldfaced Lies, aka "Ministry of Truth". Tony Snow offers to clone himself to fill the position, but the nod goes to a homunculus conjured from John Negroponte's back hair. It may in fact be Negroponte himself.

2. Attempts to prise Bush's spindly cock from Senator Droopy Dog's mouth prove fruitless, and the Jaws of Life have to be rushed in at the end of the speech. Lieberman naturally apologizes for not finishing, begs for another chance to do it right.

1. America considers its options -- popular uprising to protest and remove this empty-headed stain from power once and for all; scooping out its collective eyes with a melon-baller and finding the nearest gas oven to stick its head into; changing the channel. Naturally we choose C, but the melon-baller is tempting.