Hey Paula

Apparently my lifelong vision quest to be the lunchmeat in the proverbial Meredith Vieira/Paula Zahn newsmilf sammich has once again hit a snag. O death, where is thy sting? (Better yet: O Sting, where is thy death?)

Newscaster Paula Zahn will leave CNN next month after nearly six years at the cable network to make way for a new prime-time program hosted by freshly hired former NBC News correspondent Campbell Brown.

What, the Campbell Brown who's married to Bush rent-a-shill Dan Senor? That Campbell Brown? How can this be?

Zahn's exit was not unexpected. Her show, "Paula Zahn Now," has struggled in the ratings behind not only Bill O'Reilly on the Fox News Channel, but also MSNBC's "Countdown with Keith Olbermann" and "Nancy Grace" on CNN Headline News.

This is all wrong, dammit. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I don't know about you, pally, but I certainly don't want to continue living in a world where spongy leches like O'Reilly and tentacled, multi-chinned orcs like Nancy Grace can push our sweet midwestern Paula down the ratings ladder. It's like having Arrested Development replaced by Judge Hatchett -- or Jebus forbid, Eye for an Eye.

I'm sure that if we check the handle of the knife, we'll find Wolf Blitzer's paw prints all over it. Anyway, there's always a position for you here at the Hammer, baby. We don't pay all that well, but we treat you right.