How to Lose 500 Pounds in One Day

The latest Republirat to take the plunge is Hastert, who has decided to spend more time with Mark Foley's Alberto Gonzales' his family. That would be the family of two that resides in his mansiere.

Hastert's retirement has local Democrats starting to boast they can win another congressional seat, even as the GOP vows it won't easily give up a seat it has held for two decades. Hastert was considered by many to be unbeatable in his northern Illinois district.

"Any Democrat thinking of getting into this race does so at his or her own peril," said National Republican Congressional Committee spokesman Ken Spain.

Spain then skulked back into his office for his now-daily cocktail of Vicodin washed down with the company kool-aid, which is getting thinner by the day.

Seriously, the only possible obstacle to a complete blowout next year is the reflexive boobism of the 28-percenters, who at this rate of defection forced retirement may finally be demoralized enough to just stay home and let the adults sort this out. (But not, one hopes, before they've given all their spare cash to Fred Thompson. After all, it is still morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.)

Not that I want a Democratic one-party state either, because this country needs a balance of two rational parties, but when one of those parties basically needs its head jammed in a toilet until it achieves some clarity, it'll do.