Down Feel Masturbation

I like Emmitt Smith, and it's mean to pick on a guy's poor enuncimatin', but damn, this is pretty funny.

People have been asking me, “How do you beat these Patriots? They are an offensive astronaut.” Well, I think the problem is that teams are not syphilisly equipped to deal with New England’s team speed downfeel. That’s something that you cannot stimulate in practice. No matter how hard you might antipasto it. They are a very prophylactic offense.

No, the key to beating the Patriots is to be able to run the ball. You take a look at a guy like Willie Parker. He has the dexatrim to be able to get past that first level of the defensive line and masturbate the ball down the feel. That’s the key to beating the Patriots, and really any other team: YOU MUST BE ABLE TO MASTURBATE THE BALL DOWN THE FEEL.

If you can’t masturbate the ball down the feel, you’re going to find yourself in many 3rd and long saturations. You want to be able to POUND it. Be perspiration in running that ball, masturbate it up the hole, and keep that Pats’ offense off the feel. Otherwise, that offense will DI-RECT you. I mean, just direct you and pick you apart all day.

I haven't seen enough of Smith's commentary to know if he's really that bad, though ProFootballTalk.com also gives him a hard time pretty regularly. Hell, Shannon Sharpe sounds like a Fat Albert character most of the time, and Terry Bradshaw, especially when he gets excited (which is whenever Jigglian Reynolds does her weather-bunny bit), becomes Boomhauer from King of the Hill.

That's all right. It's just football commentary, and it's more fun that they don't all sound alike with perfect oration, or come off like Howard Cosell -- or god forbid, Dennis Miller.