Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

10. Lindsay Lohan (and Mischa Barton, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, ad nauseam) -- Call a taxi.

9. Rudy Giuliani -- Size zero sequined number by Memorial Day, come hell or high fugly.

8. Mitt Romney -- Remember to change lithium-ion batteries in face-plate along with the smoke detectors, during switch-back to Daylight Savings Time.

7. Hillary Clinton -- Ask around for ideas, pick resolution that focus-groups best with sensible centrists and Village idiots.

6. Barack Obama -- Bring people of all nations, creeds, colors, and lifestyles together under magnetic charisma and happy-talk, then get each one of them to kick down fifty bucks for a nice juicer. Buy tropical island.

5. Sherri Shepherd -- Explain frantically to bozos in audience how Jeebus was around before gravity and thermodynamics, which made getting around in those days interesting to say the least. Offer to take bozos on field trip to Creation Museum.

4. Fred Thompson -- Give wife's tits a good squeeze, scratch and fart a bit, then laze into 800th iteration about how it's better to elect a president by voting for someone who acts like he has better things to do.

3. Corporate media -- Stay housebroken.

2. Richard Bruce Cheney -- Try to find a little "me" time, explore rejuvenative properties of bathing in puppy blood. Have Constitution reprinted in two-ply for executive bathroom.

1. George Walker Bush -- Get NotJenna to show him where Pakistan is on a map.


Special Hammer of the Blogs bonus resolutions:

• Larry Craig -- More cock, this time at county fair glory hole.



• Billy Kristol -- Other side of glory hole.



• Britney Spears -- Think seriously about getting tubes tied. Share taxi with moron coke-whore friends. Start fashion trend by painting smiley-faces on cankles.



• Mike Huckabee -- Appoint son as head of security team. Continue insisting that grampa warn't no monkey, even though one look at progeny proves otherwise. Re-stock on snake oil for general campaign.



• Tom Brady -- Upgrade from Bobcat to Caterpillar D8 to retrieve ginormous piles of money and/or pussy. Share some of each with teammates, coaches, and helpful refs. Prepare for inevitable downfall caused by unrealistic expectations and excessive repetitions of that damned Dropkick Murphys song from The Departed.