News of the World

I've been on vacation/out of the loop for a week or so, so just wondering -- is Michael Jackson still dead, or did He rise up on the third day and cure cancer and shit? Say this for the American media, they make every conceivable effort to exceed any possible mode of parody. The only good use for the Staples Center tomorrow would be to lock the doors after everyone's in and turn it into a job fair, since clearly these goofy motherfuckers could use some gainful employment. Or, you know, a few strategically dropped canisters of sarin. Whichever's cheaper.