Just Asking

You think Santorum's foamy asshole ever gets sore from all the bullshit he pulls straight out of it? Of course, one would expect nothing less from a Joe Pa U alumnus (Go Fightin' ShowerFuckers!). But Jesus H. Christ, this guy doesn't even fucking try to conceal the fact that he invents things to suit his narrative. And he'll never retract or correct himself, because he's never wrong about anything. Which is a pretty neat trick.

On the one hand, it is gratifying to watch Santorum not only twist in the electoral wind, the math dangling ever provocatively just out of his reach, but willing to monkeyfuck his party's already dwindling chances in, ahem, Tampa (apparently Branson had an Andy Williams convention going when the GOP wanted to have its convention). On the other, it is enormously annoying to realize that, due to the limitless supply of butthurt stupidity in this nation, Santorum will no doubt land squarely on his cloven hooves smack dab in the middle of K Street.

In the meantime, if it encourages the louche, hypocritical "fruits 'n' nuts" reflexive California haters out in Real 'murka, I would like to humbly offer this demurral: Yes. You're sooo right. It sucks out here. That's why one in every eight Americans lives here. It's just awful. Whatever you do, don't fucking come out here. Just don't risk it. There's barbecuing in January. Barbecuing in November. Summers without 95% humidity. Winters without eight feet of snow and people frozen inside their homes. The largest, most diverse agricultural breadbasket on the planet, locally grown food of all types within an hour's drive. Stuff to do and see, and people who are actually conversant about books and movies and teevee shows that don't have Kardashians in them.

It's terrible. Run for your lives. Stay in Alabama and marry your cousin. Take Rick Santorum's every word as divinely ordained gospel.