And they say no new movies will be produced for a while because of the plague. Sort-of known guy Antonio Sabato's got news for y'all.
Here's the logline: The Expendables + a cast of washed-up deplorables = The Availables.
Anyway, the movie. Sounds hilarious. Here's the poster. Try not to be surprised at the names in the cast. The brief character descriptions in the right-hand column are just [chef's kiss]. As writer, producer, director, and star, Sabato of course has cast himself as John, The Slick One. So there may be oil or Vaseline or Astroglide involved at some point.
For my money, though, the one that literally made me laugh out loud, startling the cat and prompting a What? from my wife, was Scott Baio's description, The Furious. Which instantly called to mind the 1999 cult comedy Mystery Men, about a gang of "superheroes" who all had shitty superpowers. Ben Stiller, of course, played Mr. Furious, whose "superpower" was -- you guessed it -- getting really pissed off. So now I just envision Chachi sitting there, smoldering and seething with rage until he finally blows his top.
In fact, looking at the other character descriptions after Baio -- The Wise One, The Shadow, The Gracious -- they might as well just plug in some of the other Mystery Men superhero names. I could definitely see Kevin Sorbo as The Shoveler or The Waffler.
The rest of it is padded out with Trump-humpers like Dean Cain and Kristy Swanson, people who couldn't hack it in Hollyweird and blamed it on political correctness instead of a lack of talent and a nose for lousy projects, and MMA fighters like Bas Rutten and Tito Ortiz. (Cain's real claim to fame is taking Brooke Shields' virginity, when she was 22 years old.)
Then there are lesser-known actors, such as Australian actor Robert Rabiah and Baywatch alum David Chokachi, who don't seem to be especially vocal about their politics, certainly not in the way Sabato and Baio (both of whom spoke at the Republicon convention in 2016) have been. Nor do they appear to be semi-pro trolls like Cain and Swanson. Nor do any of their public-facing outlets (Wikipedia, Twitter, etc.) have any mention of this thing. Which is kind of a hint.
So unless maybe Tony S. humps the right leg for money -- maybe Stephen Bannon or Robert Mercer, some shithead whackjob with money to match their mental problems -- it either won't get off the ground, or worse, it'll get made on a shoestring. It'll make the cheesy Sonny Chiba chopsocky stuff from the '70s and '80s look like Citizen Kane.
For what sounds like it's supposed to be an action movie, the cast is awful long in the tooth. Baio turns sixty this year, Sorbo, Lamas, Michael Dudikoff, and soap actor Ronn Moss are all well into their sixties. The only thing that kept James Woods and Jon Voight out of this was tertiary syphilis. Count on a lot of "creative" angles for the action scenes, especially for Mr. Furious.
The only real surprise in the cast is Robert Wagner, but since Wagner is 90 years old (and a more, uh, interesting character than his usual public persona has indicated), I'm betting he doesn't have much screen time in this little epic. In fact, I'm betting he never appears in it at all. Sabato is claiming that the cast will house together during shooting in New Mexico, in order to self-quarantine. If Wagner is involved, it'll only be because they spliced in five minutes of him on his veranda, reading a few expository lines about why he's the "Father of Faithful Ones."
Anyway. Looks like loads of fun, maybe one of those "midnight movie" type deals like Showgirls or Rocky Horror Picture Show. More likely, I'll see it on the rack at my local supermarket, peeking out from behind God's Not Dead 3 or something like that.
Mostly though, the world could really use less of this sort of shit, these tedious, thinly-veiled and poorly-written allegories claiming to impart moral truths, coming from people who gleefully support daily indecency and mendacity, open theft and shameless indifference to mass death.
They want to lecture us heathens about good and evil and christian values, maybe they should take a fucking look in the mirror, while reading aloud the Sermon on the Mount. They support death and lies and thievery and cruelty and shameful hypocrisy. They don't have enough goddamned sense to be ashamed of themselves and each other.
Here's the logline: The Expendables + a cast of washed-up deplorables = The Availables.
Bakersfield; Calif — Antonio Sabato Jr. is getting set to shoot a new movie. One he is directing and writing called "Trail Blazers". It is a modern day western about "good" Vs "evil"; angels and demons.Well, that was painful to read. I sure do hope Scooter got a decent grade on that book report. Guy works in the feckin' media you say? Forget the basic spelling and grammar errors, the content itself reads like a high-school intern cranked it out so he could go on a sandwich run.
It's a faith based movie that he hopes will encourage others to stand up for their faith, but at the same time provide tons of action. He is working on marital [sic] arts and gun fights for an action packed movie.
Antonio plans to bring back his acting friends that have been shun [sic] from Hollywood due to their conservative views or Christian faith. Actors such as, Lorenzo Lamas, Kevin Sorbo, Dean Cain and Kristy Swanson have all signed up to be in the movie. There [sic, Jesus H. Christ] hope is to shoot the movie in a few months in New Mexico.
Anyway, the movie. Sounds hilarious. Here's the poster. Try not to be surprised at the names in the cast. The brief character descriptions in the right-hand column are just [chef's kiss]. As writer, producer, director, and star, Sabato of course has cast himself as John, The Slick One. So there may be oil or Vaseline or Astroglide involved at some point.For my money, though, the one that literally made me laugh out loud, startling the cat and prompting a What? from my wife, was Scott Baio's description, The Furious. Which instantly called to mind the 1999 cult comedy Mystery Men, about a gang of "superheroes" who all had shitty superpowers. Ben Stiller, of course, played Mr. Furious, whose "superpower" was -- you guessed it -- getting really pissed off. So now I just envision Chachi sitting there, smoldering and seething with rage until he finally blows his top.
In fact, looking at the other character descriptions after Baio -- The Wise One, The Shadow, The Gracious -- they might as well just plug in some of the other Mystery Men superhero names. I could definitely see Kevin Sorbo as The Shoveler or The Waffler.
The rest of it is padded out with Trump-humpers like Dean Cain and Kristy Swanson, people who couldn't hack it in Hollyweird and blamed it on political correctness instead of a lack of talent and a nose for lousy projects, and MMA fighters like Bas Rutten and Tito Ortiz. (Cain's real claim to fame is taking Brooke Shields' virginity, when she was 22 years old.)
Then there are lesser-known actors, such as Australian actor Robert Rabiah and Baywatch alum David Chokachi, who don't seem to be especially vocal about their politics, certainly not in the way Sabato and Baio (both of whom spoke at the Republicon convention in 2016) have been. Nor do they appear to be semi-pro trolls like Cain and Swanson. Nor do any of their public-facing outlets (Wikipedia, Twitter, etc.) have any mention of this thing. Which is kind of a hint.
So unless maybe Tony S. humps the right leg for money -- maybe Stephen Bannon or Robert Mercer, some shithead whackjob with money to match their mental problems -- it either won't get off the ground, or worse, it'll get made on a shoestring. It'll make the cheesy Sonny Chiba chopsocky stuff from the '70s and '80s look like Citizen Kane.
For what sounds like it's supposed to be an action movie, the cast is awful long in the tooth. Baio turns sixty this year, Sorbo, Lamas, Michael Dudikoff, and soap actor Ronn Moss are all well into their sixties. The only thing that kept James Woods and Jon Voight out of this was tertiary syphilis. Count on a lot of "creative" angles for the action scenes, especially for Mr. Furious.
The only real surprise in the cast is Robert Wagner, but since Wagner is 90 years old (and a more, uh, interesting character than his usual public persona has indicated), I'm betting he doesn't have much screen time in this little epic. In fact, I'm betting he never appears in it at all. Sabato is claiming that the cast will house together during shooting in New Mexico, in order to self-quarantine. If Wagner is involved, it'll only be because they spliced in five minutes of him on his veranda, reading a few expository lines about why he's the "Father of Faithful Ones."
Anyway. Looks like loads of fun, maybe one of those "midnight movie" type deals like Showgirls or Rocky Horror Picture Show. More likely, I'll see it on the rack at my local supermarket, peeking out from behind God's Not Dead 3 or something like that.
Mostly though, the world could really use less of this sort of shit, these tedious, thinly-veiled and poorly-written allegories claiming to impart moral truths, coming from people who gleefully support daily indecency and mendacity, open theft and shameless indifference to mass death.
They want to lecture us heathens about good and evil and christian values, maybe they should take a fucking look in the mirror, while reading aloud the Sermon on the Mount. They support death and lies and thievery and cruelty and shameful hypocrisy. They don't have enough goddamned sense to be ashamed of themselves and each other.
Love bad movies! I was hoping to see Tim Allen and/or Kelsey Grammer in the cast list, maybe they actually had something else to do or the budget couldn't afford them. Theme music by Kid Rock?
ReplyDeleteOh man, that is perfect. Kid Rock would be the ideal choice for the soundtrack to this thing. You can easily imagine a keystone track called Guns Blazin' or Showdown -- or better yet, to borrow Sabato's character description, The Slick One.
ReplyDeleteSwanson can also be viewed in the Biblical sense on the Interwebz. Also, adultery.
ReplyDeleteProud Christian, Republican, and Trump supporter.