Respect

I don't mean any disrespect, but Loozyanna Senator John F. (for Fuckface) Kennedy has never not sounded like a drawling, three-sheets-to-the-wind rapist of random livestock.

Really, I'll try very hard to care as I watch his fuckhole of a state go under the waves in the very near future. You get what you vote for, folks.

Parasite

David Fahrenthold still deserves the Pulitzer. Donald "Fuckface Von Clownstick" Drumpf is still a scummy, skinflint dirtbag who deserves to live on a fucking sidewalk and beg for change.

In the linked article, a line from one of Drumpf's "books" is excerpted:

“We’ve benefited from the American Dream and we feel the duty to give back to the community,” he wrote of his family in “The America We Deserve” in 2000. “Those who don’t are nothing more than parasites.”

Couldn't agree more, and as Fahrenthold has spent the better part of the past year painstakingly chronicling, Drumpf and his offspring have never done a goddamned thing for anyone else that didn't also -- or in many cases only -- benefit themselves and their interests.

Think about just one of many examples of this -- Drumpf literally used foundation money to pay the seven dollar fee for Fuckface Junior to join the fucking Boy Scouts. That's as bad in principle, if not in volume, as him using foundation money to buy life-size paintings of himself. Seriously, there's something wrong with a person that does this, or cashes a thirteen-cent check.

These people continue to be living, breathing, slithering proof that there really is no such thing as karma. They are liars and frauds and utterly soulless con artists, and they should be ridden into the throes of desperation and poverty at the soonest available moment.

Dr. T and the Women

So many takeaways from Bungle in the Jungle 2. Only one more to go, unless Clownstick, you know, pussies out. But it had everything, didn't it -- from the banana-republic threats to the silent stalking to (ultimately) Drumpf's innate need to show at every opportunity what sort of scumbag he actually is. Trotting out Bill Clinton's alleged rape victims to throw in the face of Hillary Clinton is a new low, even for Drumpf.

Hope his poised, precious daughter is proud of dear ol' Dad now -- you know, if she wasn't already proud of him creeping through beauty pageant dressing rooms like a fucking perv, or telling Howard Stern that he could refer to her as a piece of ass. I guess money buys a lot of forbearance, just like it buys a lot of plastic surgery.

With the outing of Bill Cosby as a serial rapist just prior to the 2016 campaign startup, there was always the possibility that, with Hillary as the expected Dem nom, BC's '90s antics were going to come back to haunt him. Look, from a standpoint of cheap agitprop, it really doesn't matter if Bill Clinton is a rapist, or just a philanderer with poor eyesight -- you can't preach a gospel of never questioning a rape accusation, and then trying to brush aside inconvenient accusations.

That said, I can't be bothered to give more than a fuck and a quarter at best about Juanita Broaddrick and the rest of them. They can't not realize that Drumpf is using them as props, and has already discarded them, as they are of no use to him at all. If they think they have been cheated by the justice system, then let them do what Cosby's accusers are doing -- band together, get a lawyer, and take his ass to court.

What Drumpf has been doing all along of course -- emotionally, politically, etc. -- is gaslighting his followers in particular, and the country in general. He makes shit up, denies he said it minutes later, accuses his accusers of having ulterior motives. It is the worst sort of emotional manipulation, far worse than any political candidate at any level in our lifetimes, and it is a clear indicator of how he would function in elected office if enough of us were stupid or spiteful enough to give him the opportunity.

At the very least, he's a pigfucker who despises women. That much is abundantly clear. But the Gooper pols who are shamelessly invoking all their female relatives as excuses to distance himself from the pussy-grabber are just as bad, maybe worse. They are just fine with disempowering women, making their medical decisions for them, making them take a fucking Greyhound bus 500 miles to find the nearest Planned Parenthood clinic because they don't have one in their own state anymore. But they're oh-so-offended by a hot-mic circle-jerk in the back of Billy Bush's Bangbus. Hey, fuck you. No one's buying your little "shocked" act.

Drumpf's implosion seems imminent, and more than justified. Frankly, I hope this rotten motherfucker and his entire shitbird family end up on the fucking sidewalk giving handjobs for crack. Every goddamned one of them is a conniving, money-grubbing, soulless sack of shit. But what we really have to watch out for is how is more, erm, energetic followers handle their hero's impending doom.

But that's okay, and entirely expected. Most of them can be distracted by Black Friday deals and discounts on cardboard containers of salted, deep-fried fat. In the meantime, let's bury this fucking prick.

He Can't Help Himself

The hilarity, she continues. No surprise that it doesn't take a Howard Stern to set Drumpf on "full douchebag," even preznitential cuz Billy Bush can bring it out of him. Within months of his marriage to his Slovenian mail-order bride, Drumpf was driving hard for the hoop on Nancy O'Dell. Like, he took her furniture shopping and everything.

And just when Paul Ryan was finally coming around to Drumpf. And now the RNC muckety-mucks are no doubt convening and conspiring, trying to figure out how to dump Gump, make Pence the front-runner, and tack on -- oh, I don't know, let's say Chachi or Screech or some other cartoon character. So long as we keep in mind that Pence treats women even worse than Drumpf or any other frat boy idiot -- he did, after all support and sign a bill requiring burial or cremation for fetuses that are aborted or miscarried.

Of course the diehard rubes will remain unswayed. He talks about women like they talk about women. Hell, I've talked about women disrespectfully -- you know, when I was 22 and lived on Jack Daniel's and the next woman I happened to meet. Never said the "grab 'em by the pussy" line, though. That's just weird and stupid, even for a drunken 22-year-old. But Drumpf was almost 60 at the time of the tape, just married for a third time, and with four children, three of them grown.

But even the diehards have to be wondering now. This is really not about how he treats or talks about women, as abysmal as that is. This is about judgment and common sense. What sort of a dumbfuck, especially one so obsessed with PR, says this kind of shit in a segment where a cameraman is present. Only a complete moron doesn't assume that the camera is always on, that the mic is always hot.

He couldn't resist the chance to show off for a presidential cousin/nephew, because he never can resist such things. He thinks he is BMOC, and as such is always compelled to play the role. And everyone knows that a real stud just walks up to dames, pulls them aside, gives them a kiss and grabs their pussy. Because that's what "stars" do. Seriously, is there anything this guy isn't completely inept at?

There's your fuckin' hero, your savior, you inbred flyover country dipshits. How do you like him?

This just got fun. Getcha popcorn. By next week the slogan might be changed to Two in the Pink, One in the Stink.

Taking a Yuuuge Drumpf

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Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Catching up from a nice long weekend away at the coast, it cannot go unmentioned how bizarrely, incredibly stoopid Drumpf really is. This Alicia Machado thing is unreal.

Let's concede, just for the sake of argument, that Machado is and has done everything her detractors claim she has done -- helped a gangster boyfriend getaway from an attempted murder; threatened a judge; banged a housemate on a Mexican reality show while dating a baseball player; had a kid by a hitter from the Sinaloa cartel; done a few pornos. Let's say it's all true and verifiable, that Alicia Machado is something less than (you'll forgive the pun) a model citizen.

Even so, at last Monday's debate, Hillary Clinton nailed Drumpf on any number of issues of real substance -- his non-payment of taxes; his lack of knowledge about the Iran deal; his imaginary ISIS plan; his unbridled joy in fucking over small businesses. So instead of responding at all, much less substantively, to any of those charges, Drumpf comes unglued and spends the entire week rationalizing why he was right in fat-shaming some pageant dingbat that everyone had forgotten about twenty years ago.

Seriously, what's wrong with this guy?

Rating the Shitshow

It was everything you assumed it would be, and so much less. Actually, the analysis should defy the pregame expectations: Hillary stuck to her script, but remained poised and determined to let Drumpf fart and belch and interrupt her every answer and dig his own hole; Drumpf kept sniffing like a cokehead and sighing and lying and being an asshole and doing all those things that got Algore crucified at the hands of the kewl kidz.

Lester Holt tried to do his job, for real, aiming futilely to keep Drumpf on point, to get him to answer the actual question, etc., to little avail. The guy just doesn't operate that way, just ignored Holt's attempts to keep him on topic. But even Frank Luntz' focus group was 16-6 in favor of Clinton at the end. Maybe the novelty is finally wearing off, maybe people are starting to see reality with a real-time side-by-side comparison, maybe Hillary really did land some nice jabs (she did).

On the other hand, here's your corporate media in its epic brilliance, one more bloody time:

Jesus Christ, what a fucking tool. Of all the jobs it is literally impossible to "over-prepare" for, I think most of us can agree -- wherever we fall on the political spectrum -- that President of the United States is, like, the biggest, most obvious one. What the hell is wrong with these people? They are with false and empty equivalences what Drumpf is with lying, and lying about lying. It's pathological.

Foundation and Empire

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Curbing Their Enthusiasm

This is how you end up losing to spoiled morons who aren't even smart enough to photoshop their fakes properly:

Hillary Clinton expressed "regret" Saturday for comments in which she said "half" of Donald Trump's supporters are "deplorables," meaning people who are racist, sexist, homophobic or xenophobic.

"Last night I was 'grossly generalistic,' and that's never a good idea. I regret saying 'half' -- that was wrong," Clinton said in a statement in which she also vowed to call out "bigotry" in Trump's campaign.

Jesus Fucking Christ. What has been Drumpf's defining characteristic, not just during his scampaign, but his entire adult life? Never admit error, never give an inch, no matter how small or stupid or inconsequential, or blatantly obvious a lie it is. If anything, double down. His retard flock have no idea what he stands for -- even Drumpf has no idea what he stands for, as that changes day to day, sentence to sentence but they love him for that. They will follow him over a cliff, while he tells them it's not a cliff.

Curbing Their Enthusiasm

This is how you end up losing to spoiled morons who aren't even smart enough to photoshop their fakes properly:

Hillary Clinton expressed "regret" Saturday for comments in which she said "half" of Donald Trump's supporters are "deplorables," meaning people who are racist, sexist, homophobic or xenophobic.

"Last night I was 'grossly generalistic,' and that's never a good idea. I regret saying 'half' -- that was wrong," Clinton said in a statement in which she also vowed to call out "bigotry" in Trump's campaign.

Jesus Fucking Christ. What has been Drumpf's defining characteristic, not just during his scampaign, but his entire adult life? Never admit error, never give an inch, no matter how small or stupid or inconsequential, or blatantly obvious a lie it is. If anything, double down. His retard flock have no idea what he stands for -- even Drumpf has no idea what he stands for, as that changes day to day, sentence to sentence but they love him for that. They will follow him over a cliff, while he tells them it's not a cliff.

10 More Questions for Fuckface Von Clownstick

The Juicers have their ten. Here are ten more questions that deserve to be asked:

1. What is your fucking problem?
2. What makes you think you know more about ISIS than the generals?
3. Where do you get off taunting a bona-fide war hero like John McCain, a man who literally was brutally tortured in an enemy prison camp for years, when he could have avoided it?
4. You tout yourself as a "businessman," yet your curricula vitae is littered with many more failures than successes, and in fact no successes of note in at least a decade or so. Specifically, what aspect of your supposed business acumen would you bring to the job of President?
5. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?
6. Have you ever had a pet that you didn't choke to death?
7. Why won't you release your tax returns?
8. Why won't you release your medical records?
9. Why won't you release your college transcripts?
10. You know as well as we do that you are manifestly unqualified for the job which you purport to seek. Why won't you just fuck off and die already?

Bonus Question: Many people are saying that you're a soulless, talentless cocksucker who tells lies like most people draw breath. Do you think that's a fair characterization, or do you feel like you actually have a talent?

Our future as a free and independent republic depends on our vaunted Fourth Estate asking questions such as these. I would be more than happy to ask these questions (and many more, believe me) face-to-face with Drumpf, no problem. Let's watch!

Roger Ailes Is The White Bill Cosby, But Worse

You know, call me crazy, but I am (perhaps counterintuitively) less concerned about how Fixed Noise as a network and Roger Ailes as an individual have served as surrogates for the Drumpf scampaign. There are no surprises to be had there.

What is rather surprising, given the way Bill Cosby had his life and career pushed through a wood chipper with startling quickness, as the accusations accumulated past the point of disbelief, is how Ailes has so far not had to endure such scrutiny and universal ridicule. As the accusations against Ailes accumulate, one might expect the heat to turn up; while Ailes may not be a household name the way Cosby is, he's been the power behind the leading cable news network for two decades.

You may not know much about Roger Ailes, but regardless of your political viewpoint, you know far more than you need or want to about Fixed Noise.

Se Llama Fuckface

The Clownstick Medicine Show went international today, heading down to Mexico to meet with that country's equally unpopular leader, to pretend not to discuss the virtual wall which is not going to be built, and for which no one but the US taxpayers will pay.

Really, the only thing noteworthy about this stunt is in the way the scampaign head-faked that it might or might not go, right up until the last minute, then sent the press charter plane to Phoenix for the later speech, while the scampaign plane headed for Mexico City. It was said that members of the press corps were (lulz) "seething," which means what -- that they're not going to sit in his fucking rally pen anymore and let his retard fans fling their monkey poo at them? What, and quit show business?

But then, they are trained and indoctrinated to give the rubes exactly what they want.

Dr. Feelgood

It would be the irony of all ironies if, after several weeks of halfwitted sniping at HFC's supposedly dismal medical condition, Clownstick got hung up a bit on the complete bullshit five-minute letter his gastroenterologist wrote up for him as a favor.

This is by far my favorite part:

Bornstein didn't talk politics in Friday's interview but said he's a fan of his patient.

"I like Donald Trump because I think he likes me," he said.

Oh, that's a great fucking reason. I would be fucking embarrassed, literally ashamed, if someone of Drumpf's low-rent character and tenth-rate intellect had anything at all to say about me, seriously. Not even because he's a bad guy, but because he's an incompetent tool, a complete jerkoff. His praise and affection would mean nothing, like being slobbered on by a Saint Bernard. Drumpf is the Simple Jack of political candidates and Bornstein got the, uh, seal of approval.

By the way, again, if you're going to spend weeks making shit up about your opponent's supposed medical condition, you might want to at least pretend to make sure that your own doctor's reports are at least a little airtight, and not something a seventh-grader wrote to excuse his absence.

Call His Bluff

So this happened:

"Dwayne Wade's cousin was just shot and killed walking her baby in Chicago," Trump tweeted Saturday morning, misspelling the basketball player's first name. "Just what I have been saying. African-Americans will VOTE TRUMP!"

First things first -- I give less than half of a standard-issue fuck how Dwyane [rolls eyes] spells his first name, except to note for the record that one of the convenient features in learning how letters work in forming words and sentences is that each letter is assigned a specific set of possible sounds and are designed to work in sequential order.

But set that aside, and also set aside Drumpf's craven use of a tragic death to bolster his cheap racial scampaign rhetoric (which, of course, he has only proffered to lily-white audiences). Is there one (1) enterprising journamalist out there with access to Drumpf who has the stones to call his bluff?

I mean, let's hear it, asshole. What specifically would you, Fuckface Von Clownstick, do that would have prevented Nykea Aldridge from getting shot? Huh? Hmmm? What would you change? More cops on the streets? Great, how do you pay for that? Are they going to walk a beat and get to know the community they serve, or are they just going to swarm the 'hood in their patrol cars, bust some bustas, and then go back to their residential enclaves?

This mouthy moron talks a big game about every goddamned issue, but there's never any details. Okay, you Twitter fucktard, let's hear some details for once. Accepting the bullshit argument that the blacks all live in broke-ass urban war zones, what precisely does this asshole plan to do about it?

Re-signed

The Drumpf Scampaign Express seems to have veered off into some seriously weedy territory now. The current "campaign" "manager," one Paul Manafort, has been replaced by none other than the high-larry-us team of Stephen Bannon (maker of the ricockulous Sarah Palin mockumentary Triumph of the ShrillThe Undefeated) and sheltered suburban mom (NSFW) Kellyanne Conway, mostly known as an empty talking head.

Bannon is an arrogant slob who should have choked on his ill-gotten pelf a long time ago, and Conway's defining characteristic is that she sticks to the script, even when it's an incredibly shitty script. In other words, they're perfect to pose as the takeover artists of this foundering Potemkin shop.

Not that they're not really on the scampaign team now -- of course they are. Bannon runs the deep-in-the-tank Breitbart site, whose collective nose is so far up Drumpf's wrinkled orange butthole, they have a secondary tan. Years ago I was on a booty call, and it turned out that she only had a bottle of self-tanning lotion available for lube. So my dick looked like a carrot for the next two weeks, which I still think is fucking funny twenty-five years later. That's Breitbart, whenever they extricate from Drumpf's puckered anus. They're an even more ideal propaganda arm than Fixed Noise.

Orange Like Me

"At the end of four years, I guarantee you, that I will get over 95 percent of the African American vote." -- God-Emperor For Life Fuckface Von Clownstick

Shorter FVC:  Don't you people know what's good for you?

Indeed, what would black Americans "have to lose" by voting for a thin-skinned con-man:

• whose first major foray into the housing industry resulted in a federal lawsuit for redlining blacks and Hispanics from his buildings, for which Drumpf and Dad hired close friend (and vile scumbag) Roy Fucking Cohn to defend them;
• who took out a full-page ad in the New York Daily News calling for the death penalty for the so-called Central Park Five, implicitly called for the suspension of civil liberties for "criminals," and when the CP5 were exonerated, trotted out the usual "a detective friend of mind told me" lies that guilty men were being set free;
• whose most public encounters with black people appears to be schmoozing athletes and rappers, and feting scumbags like Don King?

Hell, I dunno, why don't we ask Cheryl Lankford?

Crybaby

Yes, how dare the media report exactly what I said verbatim -- it's not fair! Waaahhhhh!

Fuck this incompetent motherfucker, and his moron cult followers. It would be poetic justice if the media simply took him at his word, and just stopped covering him altogether, but obviously that's too much to ask. They need him for clickbait as badly as he needs them for a punching bag at his rallies.

You'd think at the very least the reporters would get tired of being penned at the rallies like animals, to endure Drumpf's Two Minutes of Hate and the inevitable spectacle afterward of halfwits waddling by to scream "traitor!" at them and flip them off.

There's still time for these fools to rediscover their personal dignity, and just say fuck it and not go anymore. What might that be like, if the media pen was completely empty? He's going to make shit up and say what he wants to say anyway, but Il Douche is a parasite at heart, with unearned attention and adulation the lifeblood.

Citizens Untied, Part 1: The Art of the Grift

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The Straight Talk Express Keeps Rollin'

Senator McCain has strong, empty words for the Khans, and for America:

"I cannot emphasize enough how deeply I disagree with Mr. Trump's statement. I hope Americans understand that the remarks do not represent the views of our Republican Party, its officers, or candidates."

Yeah, you might want to tell that to your own party nominee, numbnuts.

Look. I like John McCain. I respect his service and sacrifice. I probably would have voted for him in 2000, depending on who his running mate would have been if he had gotten that far. I was pissed at the shitty rumor-mongering, then and since, that Grampa Walnuts had taken one too many hits from Charlie at the Hanoi Hilton, that Johnny Mac had snakes in his head.