Four Weddings and a Vicodin

Congratulations to processed aerosol cheese-like substance Rusty Limpballs and his fourth future former missus. No truth to the rumor that the groom is registered at Pfizer.

The couple met six years ago, while she was running a charity golf tournament and Limbaugh was in the process of divorcing for the third time.

Talk about meeting cute. For the eventual rom-com, I see Katie Heigl and, once he gains the requisite seventy-five pounds, James Woods. The hijinks write themselves.

Sunday morning, a source tells PEOPLE, the newlyweds hopped Limbaugh's private Gulfstream jet for a honeymoon in Mexico, Africa and a couple other spots.

Now, if we think about this for a hot second, the ginormous mound of pelf Limbaugh has accumulated through sheer gall, it should chap even the most dedicated libertarian capitalist's hide. True capitalism, as we all know through close reading of Adam Smith is not about creating mere profit, but wealth, things of value which can be utilized by others to innovate and prosper and create yet more value and wealth.

Big Pharma and his smarmy ilk have made their fortunes by generating product with no discernible, intrinsic value, merely recycled talking points that skew reality and play fast and loose with facts. Periodically they rent ghostwriters to compile their choicest schtick as empty-calorie jeremiads for the Walmart cutout-bin set to prop up their living-room milk crates with. It's a pretty good racket.

All that said, I have to admit that after reading Zev Chafets' infamous tongue-job of Limbaugh (now padded into book form, available at your finer True Value hardware stores), the real takeaway for me was how lonely Limbaugh really sounded. Chafets went on and on about the old-school opulence of Limbaugh's Florida estate, a cavernous compound riddled with top-shelf furnishings and a respectable car collection -- inhabited only by Limbaugh and his cat. Just seemed odd, somehow wrong.

Even liars and shills deserve to love and be loved (over and over again in Rusty's case), I suppose, so good luck with it, you crazy kids. No detours to the Dominican Republic this time.

The Power of Prayer

Oh, hey, no doubt, Rush Limbaugh has certainly been in my prayers as well. Yet still he continues to draw breath. Same with Cheney, Rumsfeld, and the rest of the Horst Wessel gang. Might as well pray for a suitcase full of Franklins to land in your backyard.

Love the crybaby conservatard comments there, by the way, excoriating japing libruls. Hey, motherfuckers, where were the tears and outrage at the barrage of Chappaquiddick jokes at Ted Kennedy's demise, or Tom Coburn imploring his pagan goatwhore daemon to smite a colleague for him? I gots your incivility right here, son.

(And what sort of twee mezzofanuc wears "blue jeans, an argyle sweater and a tweed jacket with elbow patches", as Coburn apparently does? Sheesh. Nearly as retarded as Coburn, Brownback, and DeMint -- nary a hundred IQ points among the lot of them -- gathering to pray for the defeat of the neutered health-care bill. If prayer worked, those three certainly wouldn't be standing.)

Untrue At Any Speed

You know, I have no doubt that Cousin Rusty is generous and pleasant with family members and household pets, but that doesn't make him any less of a fucking liar, and proud of it. Limbaugh is to American political discourse what NAMBLA is to child care, a ceaseless churner of swill for retards and rage-monkeys. Since they know their audience doesn't care about facts in the first place, it was only a matter of time before these clowns started using satire blogs and The Onion as source material.

Girth of a Nation

Aw gee, what a surprise:

Cheney, appearing on CBS's Face the Nation, said he was taking the side of Rush Limbaugh over Powell in the ongoing dispute in the GOP between the conservative talk show host and moderate retired general.

"Well if I had to choose in terms of being a Republican, I’d go with Rush Limbaugh," Cheney told moderator Bob Schieffer. "My take on it was Colin had already left the party -- I didn't know he was still a Republican."

A somewhat taken-aback Schieffer asked: "You think he's not a Republican?"

Cheney responded by pointing out that Powell had endorsed President Barack Obama last fall.

"I assume that that’s some indication of his loyalty and his interest," Cheney said.

Awesome. Cheney is certainly doing his part to hang Limbaugh's pendulous moobs and jowls around the neck of what's left of the Republitard party. You want 'em, ladies, choke on 'em. Maybe Powell, like just about everybody with a triple-digit IQ, has no clue what the Republicans stand for anymore -- lying, torturing, stealing, fingerpointing, me-tooing and rubber-gluing their way through policy arguments. He carried their water when they got the war they wanted, but maybe it was simply a bridge too far for him to endorse a woman who makes Fredo look professorial.

If this is what the Republicans want to be, the party of lying radio weasels and meddling ex-veeps, the party of fake plumbers and dipshit beauty-pageant contestants pretending to know something about anything, then they're getting their wish. Funny how when people had questions for Cheney back when he was in office, he was nowhere to be found; now that he has the chance to calumniate and rhetorically undermine the current administration -- an administration that's only been on the job for a dozen or so weeks at that -- you can't get rid of him. He's welcome to try to preserve his place in history, but it is and always will be a stain that will never quite be removed.

As always, great job, objective American corporate media entity! Why not visit San Quentin and ask Richard Ramirez what he thinks while you're at it? I mean, lesser body count, sure, but equally honest and valid opinions.

Bonfire of the Manatees

Every Camille Paglia column seems to take one back to the same question -- has she ever held an actual job, or has she spent her entire adulthood shuffling around an ivory tower? Who else would insist on being the architect of endless logical spirals, wispy curlicues of lunacy wafting into the clouds, look there they go!

Paglia decries the awful tactics of Obama's people doing what every administration does; that is, tying blocs of the opposition to the most ludicrous person they can find, in this case our good friend Nacho "Are You Gonna Finish That?" Limpballs. But don't get her wrong -- she rilly rilly supports Obama, except when he has the nerve to rebut talk-show clowns who openly pray for his failure on a daily basis, to the delight of his retard listeners. Apparently he's supposed to just lie back and take shit from the dumbest people in the country.

Paglia segues so effortlessly from "no shit, Sherlock" observations to "I don't think so, lady", it's almost an art form unto itself:

As a student of radio and a longtime listener of Rush's show, I have gotten a wealth of pleasure and insight from him over the years. To attack Rush Limbaugh is to attack his audience -- and to intensify the loyalty of his fan base.

If Rush's presence looms too large for the political landscape, it's because of the total vacuity of the Republican leadership, which seems to be in a dithering funk. Rush isn't responsible for the feebleness of Republican voices or the thinness of Republican ideas. Only ignoramuses believe that Rush speaks for the Republican Party. On the contrary, Rush as a proponent of heartland conservatism has waged open warfare with the Washington party establishment for years.

It should be obvious even to Paglia that the goal of attacking Lunchbox is to attack his audience, intensifying their loyalty perhaps, but forcing them into relative isolation, surrounded by deep but narrow ideological crevasses. The attacks take away the fence that people like Paglia enjoy parking their rhetorical armchairs on. And yes, it's because the GOP has nothing else to hang their hats on. Nicely done, Columbo.

And while "conservatives" (who are now actually authoritarians) might want to disassociate themselves from "Republicans" at this point, the reverse is not necessarily (or even likely) true. In fact, the Republicans pretty much have to cater to the moran bloc more than ever at this point. The idea that Limpballs' toxic sophistry is "heartland conservatism" -- when it is clearly neither of those things -- just makes Paglia look almost as ridiculous as our beloved Nacho.

And I'm sick of people impugning Rush's wealth and lifestyle, which is no different from that of another virtuoso broadcaster who hit it big -- Oprah Winfrey.

Um, sure, except for maybe the drug addictions, the mysterious jaunts down to the Dominican Republic with oxy and viagra, the multiple failed marriages. Yes, Oprah is obscenely wealthy and seems to have her own commitment issues, and certainly lives much larger than anyone really needs to. But she also gives a lot more of it away than she has to, and her philanthropic endeavors appear to be more than his (although, to be fair, Nacho does give generously to veterans' charities, which is the least could do).

But while Oprah may be somewhat precious and eminently ripe for parody in her daily affirmations of housewives' emotions, Limbaugh's affirmations are of a distinctly uglier stripe, and always have been. It's pretty disingenuous for a career ankle-biter of Fatboy's heft to suddenly cry uncle when he gets slapped back for once, and he doesn't need Paglia to sing a sad song for him. They still have a few Republicans left to do that shit.