Sunday, March 01, 2009

Lost Quatrains of Nostradamus: CPAC Edition

From the bowels of a swamp shall they rise anon,
A captive audience fresh from rigors,
Of salty snacks and carbonated fructose,
Basement warriors brandishing cardboard swords and shields.

The lobby patiently awaits their grand designs,
Of tea bags and sea breezes and projected anxieties,
Darkened commie muslim hitler stalin bailout,
Word-salad egg-man walrus kookookajoo.

Beware the milky dawn on the day of Thor,
Court jesters whose blinds match not yon carpet nor drape,
Appeal their pagan gods for mushroom clouds over Wrigley,
Conveniently forgetting their previous employers.

The second hell-rider be neither famine nor pestilence,
But the arctic huntress of piled hair and boutique spectacles,
Conspicuous by her absence from the worshipful conclave,
Maybe next year if there's a side trip to Neiman Marcus.

Other beasties await unsuspecting conventioneers,
Coultergeists and failed morons, cue-bald and brain-dead, openly
Praying for failure and success in the same dissonant breath,
Till they choke from lack of air, or perhaps a stray Cheeto.

Finally the new leader emerges from his pit, a chimera,
Head of bulldog, body of water buffalo, serpent's eyes and tongue,
A painful barnacle in a damp and soiled place,
Soothed by voyages to citadel of Viagra with dark prince Oxy.


Marius said...

Superb, Heywood. Perhaps you can use your poetic endowment to work this in, too. Cluelessness on a national scale.

So a fat fuck sporting a Leningrad-mafioso look is the new face of the Mountain Dew party? I know some people who could sell him the bling he needs to complete that get-up.

Heywood J. said...

Thanks. It's only a matter of time before I work my way up to sonnet form.

I forgot about that little Mary Tyler Moron outburst. That was brilliant. Textbook definition of "ofay", I believe. I'm sure both of her black constituents were caught off-guard by that one. It's hard to be 100% outraged when they provide so much welcome comic relief. Perhaps their next platform will be written in ebonics.

As for Limbaugh, I caught a glimpse of that outfit, and first just assumed something about black being the fat guy's friend, and then thought he could pass for an extra from Eastern Promises. Very fitting for the remnants of their smash-and-grab philosophy.

Anonymous said...

Like Al said, "Rush Limbaugh is a big fat idiot." Great post!