Bedwetters' Brigade

A natural result of having a far-too-long electoral campaign season is the spate of "oh shit" sentiments among the faithful, the so-called bedwetters. I'll count myself among the number of folks who find themselves enormously frustrated with the closeness of the polls, while still maintaining a fairly strong conviction that HFC, despite her flaws and over-familiarity, and despite having the media refs basically working against her with their false equivalences and mindless squirrel-chasing, will win. It'll be close, but the math dictates that she should win, in spite of everything.

It's important to recall that at this time in 2008, Obama and McCain were virtually deadlocked; Obama did not start pulling away until after the first debate, and really did not surpass the margin of error until the end of September. And 2012 was even worse -- the Rmoney/Ryan ticket led polling throughout October, frequently exceeding the MOE.

The real source of the bedwetting right now, aside from the unusually high stakes of the election and volatility of the polls, is that the campaign has revealed (or rather, confirmed) two extremely troubling factors:

1. The media, aside from a few notable exceptions, are too caught up in the "narrative" to check facts, call lies, and maintain a sense of proportion between the two candidates;
2. There is an even more substantial portion of the electorate that is comprised of racists and/or morons than previously assumed.

Rather than obsessing over the daily poll fluctuations, it's better to look at market averages such as Predictwise and the RCP average of polls, to get a much more realistic picture of what's going on. Right now, HFC is hovering at about 70% chance of getting elected, while the RCP average has her at just +1.5%, which could be cause for alarm, until you factor the above contemporaneous polling from '08 and '12, and remember that the first (and most important) debate is still over a week away. The pendulum will swing again.

One more thing to keep in mind, that I haven't seen mentioned in the media -- while you probably have heard that many potential Drumpf voters are reluctant or embarrassed to admit it, thus skewing the polls, given HFC's unfavorability numbers, there's a pretty good chance that the same phenomenon exists on her side of the fence as well. For example, a married couple where the husband wants him some Clownstick, but the wife really doesn't, she may just be holding her tongue and nodding "yes, dear" until the magic day where she can nullify his vote. I think those two groups, however prevalent they actually are, will end up being roughly equal in size, and thus will cancel each other out.

The "enthusiasm gap" between the two candidates exists, but only in the sense that on the HFC side, you don't have a bunch of borderline retards saying ricockulous things like gawwwd sint ahr candit ta sayve da cuhntree. I may not be enthused for Hillary herself, but I am more than enthused to send Drumpf and his shit-sack of deplorables -- and yes, they are fucking detestable, deplorable, contemptible excuses for oxygen-wasting fucktards, not half but all of them -- back home with their vestigial tails between their legs. I am as enthused about that as I was for voting for Obama in 2008. So take that into your conventional wisdom and shove it sideways, horse-race media.

There's plenty of time to go, it's difficult to conceive of an obnoxious asshole like Drumpf converting any remaining fence-sitters, and he gives HFC's team ad copy to work with pretty much every day. A strong performance by HFC in the debate, and some ad brutality throughout October should turn the tide. It would be nice if more voters were sane, and the media did their job, but barring some major weirdness (I know, I know) the Republic should survive, and send Clownstick and his shitbird family back to their comic-book-villain tower.

If only things went more smoothly, the Drumpfkins might get the massive blowout they truly deserve. But we can live with them just getting beaten.

Drumpf'd Too: Fuckface Boogaloo

WaPo's Chris Cillizza gets points, I suppose, for engaging with Norm Ornstein over the latter's critique of the media's handling of the Drumpf campaign overall, yet Cillizza remains willfully obtuse to what Ornstein is trying to tell him. Ornstein correctly cites the reporting of the Post's David Fahrenthold as exemplary, as well as this week's Newsweek article by Kurt Eichenwald about the Drumpf Org's massive conflicts of interest around the world, frequently with hostile governments and/or crucial geopolitical interests.

This is not a small point; it is the essence of the scampaign coverage. Consider the events of the last couple weeks, give or take, regarding the Drumpf scampaign:

1. Fahrenthold's reportage uncovered a direct link between the Drumpf Foundation's completely illegal "donation" to Florida AG Pam Bondi, just four days before Bondi's office graciously decided not to pursue fraud investigations against Drumpf University;
2. Fahrenthold's reportage also showed conclusively that the Drumpf Foundation itself is a racket. Not only does its namesake not contribute a thin dime to the foundation, but in one instance, accepted an award from the Palm Beach Police Association, based on a "gift" from the foundation that came entirely from another charitable organization. The event was held at Drumpf's dump in Florida, for which the PBPA was charged over a quarter-million dollars.;
3. Eichenwald's Newsweek article, which is thorough and exhaustive and therefore will get short shrift.

So think about these revelations for a moment, particularly those from Fahrenthold's articles. The guy's "foundation" is transparently a fraudulent slush fund, one that its founder contributes nothing to, merely funneling other people's checks and taking the credit. As if that wasn't bad enough, he uses it to bribe elected officials, buy paintings and souvenirs for himself, and even sticks it to the organizations giving him an award for being such a fucking humanitarian. But the media chase after the Clinton Foundation because Drumpf claims it is "pay-to-play," without at all pointing out the insane levels of hypocrisy and criminality on his side.

They could have covered all that and more. Instead they spent that entire time obsessing over HFC's health scare, dutifully reporting on Drumpf's visit to "Doctor" Oz's teevee show, and getting hilariously gulled into helping this cheap fucker promote his new hotel. Smooth move, guys. No wonder everyone despises you. You're hurting America, whether you realize it or not. Your mewling, pathetic excuses won't help you when this piece of shit wins. You are enabling horrible people, full stop.

It's understandable why Cillizza fails to see the dynamic at large, preferring instead to focus on the few bright spots, but still not asking why, for example, no other leading media entities have picked up on Fahrenthold's and Eichenwald's in-depth reporting. It's inexcusable, yet Cillizza insists on making excuses.

Well, like I said before, it's fuck-or-walk time, and they need to start reporting things as they are, and stop giving Drumpf an unearned curve and start reporting his LIES as such, every time, and see what effect that has on the electorate. Or they can keep doing what they're doing, get Drumpf elected with their even-handed ineptitude, and learn to bend the knee or get against the wall.

Your choice, folks.

Spit Roast

The Comedy Central celebrity roasts are one of my guilty pleasures over the years, though less and less so. The success of these events depends entirely on the people on the dais, roastee and roasters alike. Usually there is at least one roaster who is not a professional comedian, to provide some novelty. This time around, for the roast of Rob Lowe, that novelty roaster was infamous right-wing comic troll Ann Coulter.

There's no doubt that much of the invective lobbed at Coulter was mean and petty, but that's the vibe of such things to begin with. And if anyone brings that shit on themselves, it's Ann Coulter. Come on. Comparing the cracks about Coulter to the recent internet wilding of Leslie Jones is (once again) a case of completely misrepresenting the proportionality of the two situations.

I'm not saying that Coulter deserves necessarily every nasty thing ever written or said about her. But she has made a career out of going out of her way to be an obnoxious asshole. No one should be surprised that she invites that scale and degree of vituperation, when she openly revels in and encourages the same. Leslie Jones, on the other hand, committed the high crime of being in an all-female remake of perhaps the most overrated movie of all time, a perfectly decent comedy that has somehow become The Most Important Thang Evar in the Mountain-Dew-and-Adderall-soaked pea-brains of the MRA sub-reddits. Talk about having no sense of proportion.

Of course, what the article is really asking is whether the roasts would be missed terribly, and the answer is no. Most of the material is the usual gay/fat/old jokes, roughly the same level as your average "momma" joke. The catharsis is in supposedly watching someone famous get cut down to size.

Perhaps the most famous recent (and yugely telling) example of self-censorship at the supposedly no-holds-barred proceedings was in the 2011 roast of none other than Cheetolini himself. The roast was bizarrely tame, compared with most others, but supposedly the only thing off-limits was jokes insinuating that Clownstick isn't really as wealthy as he claims to be. Truth spoken in jest?

Drumpf'd

There is some small joy watching the idiot corporate media get suckered time and again by this incompetent con-man. After all, since they are largely incompetent as well, it just becomes a matter of being the first to make a move, and they will automatically, heedlessly follow, much the way your dog follows your hand because there might be a treat in it.

Now the media morons are all butt-hurt over this latest stunt, suddenly realizing they're Tina to Drumpf's Ike. Well, guess what, dummies:  he's been doing this to you for over a year, while the rest of us have watched and wondered, over and over again, why you can't just leave the brute. Now he's left a bruise, apparently. HE TRICKED US, YOU GUYS!

It wasn't the herding of them into pens at the rallies for the past year, like farm animals, waiting for the ancient, addled ungulates populating the building to waddle by periodically and hurl insults and spit at them, on cue from their wampeter. It wasn't the constant lying, evading, refusing to answer the simplest of questions honestly, openly defying them to simply do their jobs and empirically call him the fucking liar that he's been since the day he sprung forth from his mother's overworked asshole. No, it was the rickrolling that everyone saw coming up the road, punctuated with another pile of easily refuted, self-serving LIES.

Foundation and Empire

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Never Forget

On the 15th anniversary of the Twin Towers collapsing, it's interesting that this little nugget surfaces. What a disgusting piece of shit he is. If there was a god, the planes would have hit Gump Tower instead. If this doesn't do this worthless cocksucker in -- and don't worry, it won't; the Matt Lauers of the world will see to that -- I don't know what will. He's lucky there's no such thing as karma, or he'd be one of those melting Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Spread this one around far and wide, folks -- let's bring this fucker down, once and for all. He can take his fambly valyews lies and choke on them.

No More Excuses

In case you've been wondering all summer how a smart, accomplished candidate like Hillary Clinton could possibly lose against a comic-book villain with a mystery pelt stitched to the top of his head, this is how it happens. Coupled with the fact that the polls continue to get more and more worrisome, maybe it's time to get crackin' a little harder on this thing.

Look, we all get that nothing in this is fair. It's unfair that HFC is running neck-and-neck against this certifiable moron in the first place. It's unfair that the media refs hold them to completely different standards on everything. He's allowed to talk shit about anything and anyone with no consequences, she's forced to quickly apologize for supposedly insulting a group of people who richly deserve much worse. She has to contend with cheap rumor-mongering about her health, while he -- a fat, jowly seventy-year-old man -- gets away with a doctor's note that could have been forged by your average fifth-grader. Oh, but he's going on "Doctor" Oz this week to sift through his stool, so there's that.

Job Qualification

It's interesting to see just how indignant some media folks are over Matt Lauer's passive, enabling "candidate forum" the other night. It's as if they expected some other -- any other -- outcome from having a morning-show hack from a key corporate media monopoly "interview" a reality-teevee actor from one of that same network's shows from the past decade. Did anyone expect anything other than inept softballs?

I mean, yes, Lauer is certainly welcome to fuck off and die; that shitshow the other night was just a ramped-up continuation of what Lauer has done his entire career, which is to hurt America. And now that hurt is on the verge of becoming quite literal. Not that it hurts Lauer, of course; he makes more money in a year than you and I will see in our entire lives. The only thing that would hurt him is if he lost his elite status.

People who fancy themselves as media-watchers, implying that they are savvy to what the corporate media minions are really all about, miss the point by a mile when they start trying to suss out the political preferences of this or that reporter. I have no idea whether Lauer considers himself liberal or conservative, Republican or Democrat. Probably votes Democrat more often than not, maybe even fancies himself a good and generous citizen by contributing to the Clinton Foundation, if properly invited to the appropriate appletini soiree in the Hamptons. Whatever. Such considerations are irrelevant.

Curbing Their Enthusiasm

This is how you end up losing to spoiled morons who aren't even smart enough to photoshop their fakes properly:

Hillary Clinton expressed "regret" Saturday for comments in which she said "half" of Donald Trump's supporters are "deplorables," meaning people who are racist, sexist, homophobic or xenophobic.

"Last night I was 'grossly generalistic,' and that's never a good idea. I regret saying 'half' -- that was wrong," Clinton said in a statement in which she also vowed to call out "bigotry" in Trump's campaign.

Jesus Fucking Christ. What has been Drumpf's defining characteristic, not just during his scampaign, but his entire adult life? Never admit error, never give an inch, no matter how small or stupid or inconsequential, or blatantly obvious a lie it is. If anything, double down. His retard flock have no idea what he stands for -- even Drumpf has no idea what he stands for, as that changes day to day, sentence to sentence but they love him for that. They will follow him over a cliff, while he tells them it's not a cliff.

Curbing Their Enthusiasm

This is how you end up losing to spoiled morons who aren't even smart enough to photoshop their fakes properly:

Hillary Clinton expressed "regret" Saturday for comments in which she said "half" of Donald Trump's supporters are "deplorables," meaning people who are racist, sexist, homophobic or xenophobic.

"Last night I was 'grossly generalistic,' and that's never a good idea. I regret saying 'half' -- that was wrong," Clinton said in a statement in which she also vowed to call out "bigotry" in Trump's campaign.

Jesus Fucking Christ. What has been Drumpf's defining characteristic, not just during his scampaign, but his entire adult life? Never admit error, never give an inch, no matter how small or stupid or inconsequential, or blatantly obvious a lie it is. If anything, double down. His retard flock have no idea what he stands for -- even Drumpf has no idea what he stands for, as that changes day to day, sentence to sentence but they love him for that. They will follow him over a cliff, while he tells them it's not a cliff.

Got Woke

Jim Wright has far and away (afaik) the best and most complete take on (cue cheesy Ludlum title generator) The Kaepernick Kerfuffle. Kaepernick's rabid Facebook detractors proclaim that the song and flag worship that introduces professional sporting events is all about Respect. Well, clearly Kaepernick -- and now professional soccer player Megan Rapinoe -- feel that respect is a two-way street, that is something that must be earned, and not given mindlessly. And sometimes individuals might feel that they're not given the same respect that is demanded of them by their country.

The idea that the flag or the anthem stand for freedom and liberty is a nice one, but one that falls on its face when it's only for approved freedoms and liberties. The right to dissent or protest is even more important than the right to simply go along with the rest of the stadium. Anyone can do that; it take guts to decide not to do the (ahem) politically correct thing.

Now, to play devil's advocate, one should also note that if Kaepernick is trying to start a "conversation" or a "dialogue," there were and are any number of better ways to go about that. He is, after all, an NFL quarterback who came within thirty seconds and a dropped pass from winning a Super Bowl just a few years ago. Any number of reputable Bay Area journalists would have been happy to sit down and interview him, if he wanted to start a discussion on race. Performing provocative stunts like wearing socks with pigs wearing police caps, or pointedly sitting down through the national anthem, tend to (you'll be surprised to find) provoke something other than reasoned discourse.

Pogo Was an Optimist

We can chicken-egg this until the end of time, if we want to avoid the cold, hard, truth, but there it is all the same:  if the media (in the aggregate) suck, if they're incomplete or unfair in their coverage comparing the two candidates, it's because we (in the aggregate) suck, because we're willing to put up with such a low bar.

You can jabber on about Gish Gallops and Bradley Effects and such like until you're blue in the face. But none of it changes the fact that there are enough morons bringing and keeping Drumpf in contention, enough bozos to read only the "news" they already agree with.

The problem is that there are too many people out there who live in absolute certitude, who know just as surely as they know they have an imaginary sky-buddy looking out for their destitute little hamster lives, that they already know everything that is worth knowing. There is nothing new for them to learn, especially if it's something that would exculpate HFC, or conversely might add to the already impossibly high stack of shit that constitutes Clownstick's lies, his shit business record, his unethical use of money from his bullshit "Human Fund" foundation that he doesn't even donate any of his own money to.

10 More Questions for Fuckface Von Clownstick

The Juicers have their ten. Here are ten more questions that deserve to be asked:

1. What is your fucking problem?
2. What makes you think you know more about ISIS than the generals?
3. Where do you get off taunting a bona-fide war hero like John McCain, a man who literally was brutally tortured in an enemy prison camp for years, when he could have avoided it?
4. You tout yourself as a "businessman," yet your curricula vitae is littered with many more failures than successes, and in fact no successes of note in at least a decade or so. Specifically, what aspect of your supposed business acumen would you bring to the job of President?
5. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?
6. Have you ever had a pet that you didn't choke to death?
7. Why won't you release your tax returns?
8. Why won't you release your medical records?
9. Why won't you release your college transcripts?
10. You know as well as we do that you are manifestly unqualified for the job which you purport to seek. Why won't you just fuck off and die already?

Bonus Question: Many people are saying that you're a soulless, talentless cocksucker who tells lies like most people draw breath. Do you think that's a fair characterization, or do you feel like you actually have a talent?

Our future as a free and independent republic depends on our vaunted Fourth Estate asking questions such as these. I would be more than happy to ask these questions (and many more, believe me) face-to-face with Drumpf, no problem. Let's watch!

At the Movies

Maggie's Plan -- On paper, the lineup for this little indie thing seems solid -- Greta Gerwig, Julianne Moore, Ethan Hawke, Bill Hader, Maya Rudolph. In practice, these insufferable Park Slopeheads become tiresome within minutes after you meet them. These are Woody Allen characters without any of the charm or personality.

Gerwig plays the titular character, a New School administrator (I know, right?) who wants the kid, but not the relationship. She decides to go the in vitro route and gets some monkey butter from her friend who runs an artisanal pickle shop (for fuck's sake), but then meets half-cute with a struggling married writer (aren't they all), played by Hawke. They hook up, he knocks her up, they get married and have a kid, and then Gerwig decides she'd rather not be tethered to this guy after all, and so concocts a plan to reconcile him with his ex-wife (Moore).

It would actually be nice to say, even sarcastically, that the proverbial hijinks ensue, but alas no, there are zero hijinks to be had. It is less inventive than a typical Three's Company rerun, and Three's Company had Mr. Roper. These douchebags would have improved things by literally digging up the amazing Norman Fell, and simply placing his rotted, desiccated corpse in the shot, a la Weekend at Bernie's.

This is by no means a political film, but if you want some insight as to the current political climate, this is not a bad place to start. These character archetypes are exactly the kind of people conservatards in general and Drumpftards in particular despise, and rightly so -- spoiled, brainless, limo-lib yuppie assholes spouting terminally bad, self-absorbed dialogue. They're all terrible people, and you don't care about any of them.

Fergodsake, Gerwig's master plan to get Hawke and Moore back together involves a conference where Slavoj Zizek is speaking, because of course they both love Zizek. I'm half-surprised there wasn't a scene where Hawke and/or Moore didn't weigh in on Hegelian dialectics, while molding their own poop into a perfect sphere, and getting hung up on how to remove the handprints from the sphere. It's that fucking bad.

Did I mention there's an artisanal pickle guy named Guy? This could be a funny thing if done right, except it seems weirdly earnest about it, and doesn't seem to find the humor in such a thing. Gerwig seems to be channeling Jason Schwartzman's character in Rushmore (one of my all-time favorite movies), except Max Fischer is a sixteen-year-old dork, and Maggie is supposed to be a responsible adult around the age of thirty.

Say this for the characters -- they all have very punchable faces and personalities, even the women. It is at least heartening to see that, according to Rotten Tomatoes, this movie mode only $3,302. That is not a typo -- three thousand, three hundred and two dollars -- and the audience score is nearly thirty points lower than the critics' score, usually not a good sign. So there are countless YouTube videos of random idiots thumbing their dicks, that cost nothing to make, that have monetized themselves better than this movie.

There are some nice location shots of the NYC. That is the only positive thing I can say about this tedious, insufferable time-suck.

Grade: D

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Green Room -- This is a strangely fun genre romp, about a punk band trapped in a neo-Nazi skinhead club owned by none other than (who else?) Patrick Stewart, who has traded in his elegant elocution for a slightly more working-class rumble, almost like Lemmy at times. The action starts quickly and never lets up, ramping up the tension at just the right times. The ending is somewhat anticlimactic, and there are a couple of minor drops along the way, but overall this is a lean, mean machine that really should have done a lot better than it did.

I'd give you more details, but as long as you're down with the genre and have a strong stomach (there are a couple of scenes of fairly graphic violence), you'll enjoy this one.

Grade:  B+

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The Lobster -- Even though my tastes tend to run more fartsy than artsy, I wanted to like this, I really did. The premise seemed ripe for satire and metaphor -- in a dystopian future, single people are given 45 days to find love, or be transformed into the animal of their choice and set loose in the forest. Sounds fun, right?

Colin Farrell and Rachel Weisz are pretty solid in the lead roles, so the acting is not the problem. The problem is in the heavy-handed production, with repeated bursts of morose Beethoven and Shostakovich string quartets barging into scenes that are too quiet and slow in the first place. THE STRINGS AREN'T HELPING, GUYS. Additionally, the premise itself makes little sense in the context of the film -- no rationale for such a policy, much less a real mechanism for enforcement (considering the participants are consenting to irreparably disfiguring themselves) seems to exist. There's no Handmaid's Tale or even Hunger Games explanation for this. They're just doing it because they're supposed to.

I suppose The Lobster was intended to function as some sort of satirical tone poem on desirability as a component of sexuality, and how people can define themselves solely by what they have to offer to others, instead of developing themselves and presenting that. What hope for the thoughtful soul in a Tinder hookup world, that sort of thing. Whatever. At two hours, it feels more like three, and ultimately there's no point, not even a satirical one. Again, strong performances and great location shots abound, but there's just not a lot of plot to hold things together.

Grade: C-

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Okay, let's dip into the recent past for what I would consider a "new millennium classic":

Bad Santa -- As you might imagine, I can take or leave Christmas in general, and Christmas movies and music in particular. As far as Christmas music goes, there are only three songs -- Fairytale of New York, Father Christmas, and everything else. I fucking hate most Christmas music -- derivative, sappy, consumerist jabber.

And I don't need to see the Peanuts Christmas special ever again; the only reason I ever watched it more than once in the first place is because I grew up with literally three teevee channels, until I was in my twenties. There was nothing else on, and no internets yet. No wonder I played guitar, rode motorcycles, brought girls home to bang in the hot tub, and partied as hard as anyone has outside of Motorhead. Seriously, there are days when I wonder how I made it to my 28th birthday.

As far as Christmas movies go, I tend to like The Ref, Die Hard, and (oddly) Elf, maybe a couple others here and there. Bad Santa was one that had slipped by me when it first came out, but a recent spate of summer reruns on HBO served to remind me what a terrific movie it is in general, and what a great Christmas movie in particular.

Billy Bob Thornton is spot-on as Willie, the mall Santa from hell. With his dwarf/elf sidekick, played with hysterical energy by Tony Cox, Willie works the malls during the holiday season, then robs the safes of the proceeds. It's a low-bar racket, but one that works well for these two unambitious losers.

Director Terry Zwigoff nails everything down to the details in this movie, from the music used throughout the movie to Willie's nihilistic alcoholism and his against-all-odds friendship with a weird, inscrutable kid. Thornton drinks, bangs, and bellows his way through these interchangeable consumerist shitholes, never looking up, never wanting more, knowing all the while that he's running head-first to a early grave.

In lesser hands, this would have been an unrelentingly bleak vision, but Zwigoff remembers that it is a Christmas movie after all, finds the humor in it, and doesn't resort to that sappy Miracle on 34th Street bullshit. It doesn't hurt to have two great comic actors (Bernie Mac and John Ritter, both sadly gone far too soon) supporting things.

There are a couple of discordant notes, but no bad ones, and Thornton and Cox chew up the scenery like a couple of wolverines. Christmas movie or no, this is one of the most mordantly funny movies around, but the fact that it is a Christmas movie makes it even better. If you had told me a year ago that I would have watched a Christmas movie multiple times throughout a blazing hot summer, I would said you were out of your fucking mind.

But I'd watch it again tomorrow, even though I just saw it about ten days ago, and I've watched it probably six or seven times in the past twelve weeks, and we're months away from Christmas, for the same reason we listen to great songs over and over again -- to savor the notes, the rhythm, the arrangement, the virtuosity of the players, to feel the hair on your neck or arm stand up because everything hits just right. Such a great movie.

Grade: A

See You Next Tuesday, Slight Return

Oh, the hilarity. Just another reminder that when you're crushing Drumpf and his idiot "working class" doofuses, you're also crushing these useless cunts. It is only partially gratifying to know that the work they've had done makes them even homelier than they probably were in the first place, and that they'll probably die with some Brazilian pool boy's jism in their throats.

These dingbats and their fucked-up faces can't die soon enough. They all have the same doll-from-hell-cheeked, cat-eyed look, like something out of a bad horror movie about evil ventriloquist dolls. They serve no purpose, except as alligator food at Drumpf's club for Florida shitheads.

Oh, and fuck Pat Boone as well, a completely overrated and useless person who is rolling with these unproductive cows. Boone is known as a "singer," and trust me, you do not know a single Pat Boone song worth knowing. Although from the photo, it is good to see that this motherless fuck is aging hard. With any luck, "Pat" Boone won't be cluttering up the planet for too much longer.

Space Truckin'

If we are to have a taco truck on every corner of this great nation of ours, then let's get this party started.

Roger Ailes Is The White Bill Cosby, But Worse

You know, call me crazy, but I am (perhaps counterintuitively) less concerned about how Fixed Noise as a network and Roger Ailes as an individual have served as surrogates for the Drumpf scampaign. There are no surprises to be had there.

What is rather surprising, given the way Bill Cosby had his life and career pushed through a wood chipper with startling quickness, as the accusations accumulated past the point of disbelief, is how Ailes has so far not had to endure such scrutiny and universal ridicule. As the accusations against Ailes accumulate, one might expect the heat to turn up; while Ailes may not be a household name the way Cosby is, he's been the power behind the leading cable news network for two decades.

You may not know much about Roger Ailes, but regardless of your political viewpoint, you know far more than you need or want to about Fixed Noise.

Saint Misbehavin'

Apparently Pope Francis is formally canonizing Mother Teresa this weekend, and the only fair response is whatever, pal. I don't understand the purpose of saints anymore than I understand the purpose of the Catholic church itself. It's merely custom, tradition, and not much more than that. We do it this way because we've always done things this way.

One of the finest polemic efforts by the late great Christopher Hitchens was to pierce the impermeable balloon of perfection that MT had cultivated for herself, by buddying up to Princess Di, while taking money from scumbags like Baby Doc Duvalier and Charles Keating. (As Hitchens famously recounts in The Missionary Position, the prosecutor in the Keating case personally implored MT to return Keating's ill-gotten, fraudulent, tax-evading contribution to her cause, to which she feigned ignorance in perhaps the most literal sense of the word -- she gave a nonsensical response to the request, and then essentially ignored him.)

Hitchens nails it by pointing out that while MT postured as a friend to the poor, what she really turned out to be was a friend of poverty and suffering, as she sincerely believed those things to be gifts from god. Relief from those ailments was not the goal; the more elusive goal of "redemption" was the point of her ministries. (Well, that and her more public stances against abortion and divorce. Anything that might empower women, MT's cause was to stand against such things.)

The One Thing to Like About the Drumpf Scampaign

They don't pay their scampaign workers. Couldn't happen to a nicer group of soulless scumbags. I hope Mike Caputo's house gets foreclosed on because Drumpf won't fucking pay him.

Shoot the Messenger

It's easy to pick on the MSM, in the most fish-in-a-barrel sense, but it can't be pointed out enough that the people they cover are worse, whether they're political candidates or rally-going yahoos.

One particular type of piece I've come to despise over this particular scampaign clusterfuck is the what are Drumpfkins really thinking profile, where we try to plumb the shallows of these goobers' intellects. Well, no, intellect is exactly the wrong word, because if there's one thing all these pieces have in common, it's a need to discuss how these sainted folk reach important decisions, gain some insight into their wisdom:

As we pulled up to her home, Sharon reflected on various theories her mother had. "Have you heard of the Illuminati? The New World Order?" Sharon asked so as to prepare me. "I'm tea party," Sharon said, "but I don't go along with a lot that my mom does." Whether they clung to such dark notions or laughed them off, tea party enthusiasts lived in a roaring rumor-sphere that offered answers to deep, abiding anxieties. Why did President Obama take off his wristwatch during Ramadan? Why did Walmart run out of ammunition on the third Tuesday in March? Did you know drones can detect how much money you have? Many described these as suspicions other people held. Many seemed to float in a zone of half-belief.

The most widespread of these suspicions, of course—shared by 66 percent of Trump supporters—is that Obama is Muslim.

What the people I interviewed were drawn to was not necessarily the particulars of these theories. It was the deep story underlying them—an account of life as it feels to them. Some such account underlies all beliefs, right or left, I think.

[emphasis added]

Every time a journamalist prints some false equivalence assertion like that last sentence there, a cuddly baby animal dies a horrible death. Bokay? Stop doing that shit, people. There is simply no "left" equivalent to an entire state of blue-collar peckerwoods living in a place they call Cancer Alley, mired in generations of poverty and failure, either working dead-end shit jobs or not at all, knowing at least one person stuck in substance abuse and/or grifting the system with fake diseases, rabidly supporting a fake billionaire who wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire.

Se Llama Fuckface

The Clownstick Medicine Show went international today, heading down to Mexico to meet with that country's equally unpopular leader, to pretend not to discuss the virtual wall which is not going to be built, and for which no one but the US taxpayers will pay.

Really, the only thing noteworthy about this stunt is in the way the scampaign head-faked that it might or might not go, right up until the last minute, then sent the press charter plane to Phoenix for the later speech, while the scampaign plane headed for Mexico City. It was said that members of the press corps were (lulz) "seething," which means what -- that they're not going to sit in his fucking rally pen anymore and let his retard fans fling their monkey poo at them? What, and quit show business?

But then, they are trained and indoctrinated to give the rubes exactly what they want.

Dumbass

Weekend before last we Netflixed the Anthony Weiner documentary, and it was everything you'd expect -- a full portrait of a talented but deeply flawed man, someone who fought diligently for his constituents, even as he pursued a needless and self-destructive private life.

So it makes sense that Weiner's self-implosion continues unabated, in the midst of a hotly contested electoral contest that finds Weiner's spouse as the right-hand woman of the Democratic contestant. I suppose that's part of the psychopathology of it all, whether "they want to get caught" or whatever.

But the doc is a reminder of how passionate an advocate Weiner could be for the things he seemed genuinely to believe in.  Whatever his problem is, like with Eliot Spitzer before him, it has cost untold potential in terms of the good he might have been able to do.

Ordinarily you could make some cheap point about IOKIYAR, how guys like Weiner get their careers derailed even though they never actually have physical contact with anyone, while scumbag pigfuckers like Scott DesJarlais do far worse and keep getting re-elected. But the difference is that most of these Gooper douche-nozzles are transparent in their desire to accrue money and power and notoriety; they make no pretense about "public service" or some such nonsense.

Weiner really did and does come across differently, not just in the documentary but in countless interviews and media appearances over the years, he has unfailingly conveyed a presence of intelligence, confidence, integrity, and a genuine desire to improve the lives of his constituents. It's unfortunate that his demons keep getting the best of him.

Crapfest

There's a reason I rarely bother to venture onto Facebook anymore, and today is a perfect example of why, post after post after fuckheaded rant about how Colin Kaepernick should be "deported" or fired or what-have-you, for the high crime of expressing his opinion.

I think some people need to be reminded of what the great things are about this country. Perhaps the most important feature is that every citizen has the inalienable right to be wrong, and even to be a jerk about it. Without that basic right, nothing else matters, we would all just be slaves to the swirling winds of mob rage.

I'm just cynical enough to believe that Kaepernick, who had been on the verge of being benched in favor of Blaine Gabbert, is trying to get traded to a team that will start him, although there are certainly better ways to go about that. Perhaps Kaepernick is utterly sincere in his sentiments, in which case there might be better ways to communicate that. We don't really know, and it's not really important.

What should be important is that, after a year-plus of listening to Fuckface Von Clownstick paint this country as a festering hellhole for his adoring throngs, it's more than a mild coincidence that the most ardent of the anti-Kaep screamers are also the most devout Clownstick acolytes. This is the conservatard mythos writ small -- the conservative can complain about the gubmint interfering with his ability to make and keep his money, but the second someone complains about how they're treated by agents of that same gubmint, these people come unglued.

They loves them some Drumpf because he's sooo un-PC, but the fact of the matter is, these people are as PC about their own pet causes as the most tiresome SJW tweeting from their safe space. I tend to agree with them that their country is lost, but it's lost because they are moronic, intolerant rageaholics who probably need a diagram on how to wipe their asses properly.

Wrong Question

Here we go again; get ready for yet another meaningless kerfuffle over an athlete expressing their opinion. Humble prediction:  not one (1) media entity will think to ask, Why do we feel the need to perform nationalistic chants at sporting events? What tangible need is served by this? Some people would probably miss it, but so what? Can we just watch a fucking ballgame without being pestered by your jingoistic nonsense?

None of those questions will ever be asked or answered by a corporate media entity. There would be too much incoherent whining and twittering.

Dr. Feelgood

It would be the irony of all ironies if, after several weeks of halfwitted sniping at HFC's supposedly dismal medical condition, Clownstick got hung up a bit on the complete bullshit five-minute letter his gastroenterologist wrote up for him as a favor.

This is by far my favorite part:

Bornstein didn't talk politics in Friday's interview but said he's a fan of his patient.

"I like Donald Trump because I think he likes me," he said.

Oh, that's a great fucking reason. I would be fucking embarrassed, literally ashamed, if someone of Drumpf's low-rent character and tenth-rate intellect had anything at all to say about me, seriously. Not even because he's a bad guy, but because he's an incompetent tool, a complete jerkoff. His praise and affection would mean nothing, like being slobbered on by a Saint Bernard. Drumpf is the Simple Jack of political candidates and Bornstein got the, uh, seal of approval.

By the way, again, if you're going to spend weeks making shit up about your opponent's supposed medical condition, you might want to at least pretend to make sure that your own doctor's reports are at least a little airtight, and not something a seventh-grader wrote to excuse his absence.

What You Wish For

So it turns out that new Philippine strongman Rodrigo Duterte is every bit the authoritarian scumbag he campaigned as. To which the correct response is, what the fuck did you idiots expect?

In the final days of the campaign, Aquino became more alarmed about Duterte, telling voters that “we should remember how Hitler came to power.’’ But Duterte’s fear tactics worked. He drew thirty-nine per cent of the vote, to Roxas’s twenty-three per cent, and popular support for him remains robust. In a poll released on July 20th by Pulse Asia Research, ninety-one per cent of Filipinos said that they trusted Duterte, while the more authoritative Social Weather Stations found that sixty-three per cent expected him to fulfill his campaign promises. “There seems to be a level of acceptance on how Duterte’s war on drugs is being conducted,’’ Palabay said.

Okely-dokely then. I guess the Philippines can fucking suck on it. Sometimes people get what they deserve. Any questions?

Call His Bluff

So this happened:

"Dwayne Wade's cousin was just shot and killed walking her baby in Chicago," Trump tweeted Saturday morning, misspelling the basketball player's first name. "Just what I have been saying. African-Americans will VOTE TRUMP!"

First things first -- I give less than half of a standard-issue fuck how Dwyane [rolls eyes] spells his first name, except to note for the record that one of the convenient features in learning how letters work in forming words and sentences is that each letter is assigned a specific set of possible sounds and are designed to work in sequential order.

But set that aside, and also set aside Drumpf's craven use of a tragic death to bolster his cheap racial scampaign rhetoric (which, of course, he has only proffered to lily-white audiences). Is there one (1) enterprising journamalist out there with access to Drumpf who has the stones to call his bluff?

I mean, let's hear it, asshole. What specifically would you, Fuckface Von Clownstick, do that would have prevented Nykea Aldridge from getting shot? Huh? Hmmm? What would you change? More cops on the streets? Great, how do you pay for that? Are they going to walk a beat and get to know the community they serve, or are they just going to swarm the 'hood in their patrol cars, bust some bustas, and then go back to their residential enclaves?

This mouthy moron talks a big game about every goddamned issue, but there's never any details. Okay, you Twitter fucktard, let's hear some details for once. Accepting the bullshit argument that the blacks all live in broke-ass urban war zones, what precisely does this asshole plan to do about it?

Suckers

Another one for the Best News of the Week file. I hope every single one of those blue-collar morons at the rallies ponied up for this. I would love to know that they had used the money for the loan payment on their single-wide to donate to Fuckhead's scampaign, which he then in turn used to pay himself the jacked-up rent he charged his own scampaign.

Jesus H. Christ, how fucking dumb do you have to be to go along with something this obvious and transparent? Drumpf is basically a Nigerian prince at this point. Fuck these idiots, they deserve to get fleeced of every rusty nickel they have.

Policy

A motorist who happened to be white and deaf was killed last week in North Carolina, by a cop during what should have been a traffic stop.

Unfortunately, this is what it's going to take to make America look a little more closely at the policies that govern the rules of engagement for law enforcement personnel. Does that sound a bit militaristic? Good, because our local law enforcement departments have become de facto paramilitary organizations, like what you used to read about in banana republics, back when media entities had foreign offices.

Race is more often than not a factor in these incidents, but if we really want to get to the bottom of why harmless, unarmed people are being routinely killed by cops for no good reason, we have to address the training policy of using deadly force as a first resort, when it used to be a last resort.

Pay or Play

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First Amendment Remedies

I'm basically inclined to agree with Strix on the demise of Gawker. Extra humor value comes in the form of them being undone by a couple of toads like Peter Thiel and Hulk Hogan. But mostly, yeah, you live by the hoke, you die by it.

Except here's the thing, in the form of we're totally sure he's gonna lose you guys, no problem! would-be god-emperor Fuckface Von Clownstick:  he's made no bones about his utter disdain for the "legitimate" press, and in fact has made an ongoing hate-sport of its members at his rallies. It's not difficult to see that a Preznit Clownstick (shudder) would instantly populate the White House Press Room with only the entities that spoke favorably of him. He might even pursue more (let's say) Putin-style modes of retribution on especially problematic journamalistas.

The real problem here is not that Drumpf might actually win (even though he might, there's a lot of time to go, people are stupid, and HFC seems determined to stick with her prevent defense), it's that most of his supporters share his vitriolic stance on "the media," which of course really means unfavorable press. So as the disinfo market gets niched, mostly through idiotic agitprop sites like Breitbart and worse (and believe me, they get a lot worse, not in the racist sense, but just in the sheer ineptitude of their sites and content), the marching morons get more and more distrustful of the conventional media outlets, and more and more vituperative in their stance against them. They would be A-OK with whatever their favored strongman/daddy figure chose to do with unruly media folks.

Complicity

Look, what Texas and other states are doing -- and have been doing for decades -- to undermine reproductive rights is shameful, despicable, disgusting (to use the Drumpfster's favorite word). There's no two ways about it, especially considering that the abortion rate has been steadily declining in this country for about twenty years now. There's just no reason for this nonsense, except that it inflames the rubes.

But this is an issue that affects poor women the most, by far, and so here is what I would ask those women:  Do you vote? More specifically, do you vote every time you can, even if a pet issue isn't on the ballot? Do you vote in the midterms? Because part of the reason so many of these fuckers are in office right now is because no one could be bothered to show up in 2010, or 2014. That's why you vote every time. That's why you follow the issues and the people, and pay attention.

A Nation of Rackets

Oh look -- in "water is wet" news, costs for simple (yet life-saving) medical devices are usuriously high. SOMEONE SHOULD DO SOMETHING!

EpiPen maker Mylan has become the new boogeyman of the pharmaceutical industry.

Following complaints from consumers that the company had hiked the price of the emergency auto-injector by $100 in recent months for no obvious reason, members of Congress are calling for an investigation. The price has increased 450 percent since 2004, when a dose cost $100 in today's dollars, to its current price of more than $600. Many consumers hadn't noticed the gradual rise in price, however, because the company often only added in 9 to 15 percent each time and insurance companies had made up the difference. But with recent changes in the deductible structure and co-pays for some health plans that have put more of the cost for drugs on consumers, many families have been hit with sticker shock.

So let's see if we have this straight -- a long-standing collusion of profiteering among a triangle of associated industries (pharma, insurance, HMOs) which has any number of congress-critters in their back pockets suddenly has said critters' antennae tingling, even though prices for the Epi-Pen (and any number of devices and medications) have been steadily rising for years.

Re-signed

The Drumpf Scampaign Express seems to have veered off into some seriously weedy territory now. The current "campaign" "manager," one Paul Manafort, has been replaced by none other than the high-larry-us team of Stephen Bannon (maker of the ricockulous Sarah Palin mockumentary Triumph of the ShrillThe Undefeated) and sheltered suburban mom (NSFW) Kellyanne Conway, mostly known as an empty talking head.

Bannon is an arrogant slob who should have choked on his ill-gotten pelf a long time ago, and Conway's defining characteristic is that she sticks to the script, even when it's an incredibly shitty script. In other words, they're perfect to pose as the takeover artists of this foundering Potemkin shop.

Not that they're not really on the scampaign team now -- of course they are. Bannon runs the deep-in-the-tank Breitbart site, whose collective nose is so far up Drumpf's wrinkled orange butthole, they have a secondary tan. Years ago I was on a booty call, and it turned out that she only had a bottle of self-tanning lotion available for lube. So my dick looked like a carrot for the next two weeks, which I still think is fucking funny twenty-five years later. That's Breitbart, whenever they extricate from Drumpf's puckered anus. They're an even more ideal propaganda arm than Fixed Noise.

Orange Like Me

"At the end of four years, I guarantee you, that I will get over 95 percent of the African American vote." -- God-Emperor For Life Fuckface Von Clownstick

Shorter FVC:  Don't you people know what's good for you?

Indeed, what would black Americans "have to lose" by voting for a thin-skinned con-man:

• whose first major foray into the housing industry resulted in a federal lawsuit for redlining blacks and Hispanics from his buildings, for which Drumpf and Dad hired close friend (and vile scumbag) Roy Fucking Cohn to defend them;
• who took out a full-page ad in the New York Daily News calling for the death penalty for the so-called Central Park Five, implicitly called for the suspension of civil liberties for "criminals," and when the CP5 were exonerated, trotted out the usual "a detective friend of mind told me" lies that guilty men were being set free;
• whose most public encounters with black people appears to be schmoozing athletes and rappers, and feting scumbags like Don King?

Hell, I dunno, why don't we ask Cheryl Lankford?

Ugly Americans

Soon as the story first broke that Ryan Lochte and his swim teammates had been robbed at gunpoint in Rio, you knew something had to be up. After all, Lochte was able to cultivate a career as an affable doofus because he really is, by all objective accounts, an affable doofus. So it makes sense that he would almost cause an international incident by lying about a little post-party vandalism.

None of this obviates the fact that Rio is, again by all objective accounts, an overpopulated, crime-ridden dump where the wealthy live behind security systems and high gates, and the poor live clustered on hillsides in corrugated tin sheds. Lochte's story was believed precisely because it was so believable.

Between the 2014 World Cup and now the 2016 Summer Olympics, Brazil has made an attempt to draw "prestige" events that show it as a player on the world stage, rather than a over-large banana republic. Problem is, in dealing with FIFA and the (notorious) IOC, two of the most corrupt and useless "world" organizations outside of the UN, Brazil has merely managed to cement that reputation of those organizations and or itself as a country.

Lochte's indignation at being shaken down in the street for a fine by Brazilian street cops just shows what a dope he is. If he had pulled this shit in, say, New York City, and the cops didn't recognize him, he'd have spent at least a few hours in a holding cell in Rikers, one of the more terrifying places in this country. Lochte (and his presumably virgin asshole) should be thanking those cops for sparing him from a Rio holding cell.

Not that any of it matters; while the gossip rags and moral wags are scolding him for his bad behavior and poor international diplomacy, Lochte has gone back to his regular life -- swimming for a living, cashing fat checks, and banging hot chicks. What a country! We should all be so lucky.

Soulless

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In Other News

It seems that everyone had the same bright idea after seeing the Bidens' summer playlist, to create a proper Onion Diamond Joe Biden playlist. Fuckin' A.

Here's what I like about the real Joe Biden:  I feel like he is probably aware of his Diamond Joe doppelgänger, and he thinks it's funny.

Crybaby

Yes, how dare the media report exactly what I said verbatim -- it's not fair! Waaahhhhh!

Fuck this incompetent motherfucker, and his moron cult followers. It would be poetic justice if the media simply took him at his word, and just stopped covering him altogether, but obviously that's too much to ask. They need him for clickbait as badly as he needs them for a punching bag at his rallies.

You'd think at the very least the reporters would get tired of being penned at the rallies like animals, to endure Drumpf's Two Minutes of Hate and the inevitable spectacle afterward of halfwits waddling by to scream "traitor!" at them and flip them off.

There's still time for these fools to rediscover their personal dignity, and just say fuck it and not go anymore. What might that be like, if the media pen was completely empty? He's going to make shit up and say what he wants to say anyway, but Il Douche is a parasite at heart, with unearned attention and adulation the lifeblood.

Citizens Untied, Part 2: The New Model

So the rolling Drumpfster Fire has begun pulling in respectable dollars since its hokey start in May. And yet no ad time has been bought or reserved so far, and most of the billing seems to have been funneled back into Drumpf's pockets, simply by holding "events" at his own hotels and supplying his own branded water, wine, steaks, etc. And Drumpf's business history of fucking over contractors and/or waiting them out in court with specious lawsuits indicates that whatever campaign funds do not get spent probably will not be recouped without a fight.

This a much more scaled-up, but only slightly more sophisticated, version of the late great Fred (I say) Fred Thompson's primary run in 2008. Thompson lulled a lot of fokes with his Alabama drawl, but he was both an actor and a lawyer, had actually done and known a few things worth doing and knowing in his day, and was adept at using his physical size and speaking cadence to convince and motivate listeners. But he was also smart enough to know that he had no chance of becoming president, and seemed to run his campaign accordingly, a cynical cash-grab on the way out the door to retirement.

Citizens Untied, Part 1: The Art of the Grift

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Word Smoothie

What. The. Actual. Fuck?

Look, having nuclear — my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at MIT; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Wharton School of Finance, very good, very smart — you know, if you’re a conservative Republican, if I were a liberal, if, like, OK, if I ran as a liberal Democrat, they would say I’m one of the smartest people anywhere in the world — it’s true! — but when you’re a conservative Republican they try — oh, do they do a number — that’s why I always start off: Went to Wharton, was a good student, went there, went there, did this, built a fortune — you know I have to give my like credentials all the time, because we’re a little disadvantaged — but you look at the nuclear deal, the thing that really bothers me — it would have been so easy, and it’s not as important as these lives are (nuclear is powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power and that was 35 years ago; he would explain the power of what’s going to happen and he was right — who would have thought?), but when you look at what’s going on with the four prisoners — now it used to be three, now it’s four — but when it was three and even now, I would have said it’s all in the messenger; fellas, and it is fellas because, you know, they don’t, they haven’t figured that the women are smarter right now than the men, so, you know, it’s gonna take them about another 150 years—but the Persians are great negotiators, the Iranians are great negotiators, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us.

I can't believe we didn't catch this a year ago, when it actually happened, not that he's gotten any better since. Jesus H. Christ, it's like a three-year-old took a handful of those word magnets you get at Barnes & Noble, and just hurled it at the refrigerator. Read it aloud in your best Drumpf voice to get the best effect -- merely watching the video doesn't do it justice, you have to concentrate to spout a drool of consciousness like that. It takes effort. I'm guessing it has something to do with how the crafty Persians rooked us on the nook-ya-ler deal,

Even Sarah Palin at her methiest makes more sense than this fuckin' jamoke. Fucking Fredo Arbusto never sounded this flat-out stupid.  Picture every speech, every ceremony, every diplomatic negotiation that a president must do, being done for the next four years -- hell, four weeks -- by the font of this supreme babble. Every phase of Donny Boy's game is completely, irrefutably incompetent. His business acumen, his common sense, his knowledge of the world, of foreign and domestic policy. He's an incompetent writer and speaker because he's an incompetent thinker.

Successful business people don't speak like this, to point out the obvious; their stakeholders would laugh them out of the room and then divest immediately. You wouldn't invest a roll of nickels with someone who sounds like a raving asshole on a sidewalk wearing a "The End Is Near" sandwich board. But then, Drumpf doesn't have stakeholders, because no one with any sense would put their money in one of his ventures. The long-standing joke is that he's a free-riding clown who lives on other people's money. That sounds about right. I hope Deutsche Bank eats every dime he's borrowed from them. It would serve them right.

Millions of morons want this man to lead the country, and he's probably not qualified to lead his own company. His defenders keep touting his streams of inarticulate chunder as some sort of "common man" qualifier, as if average people went off on random, incomprehensible tangents routinely, as if being clear and articulate with language wasn't, you know, one of the most vital components of the job.

I Started a Joke

"Jokes start with 'knock-knock' and 'what do you get when you cross a....'" -- Dale Gribble, King of the Hill

It does not matter at this point whether Drumpf was "joking" or "sarcastic" or whatever bullshit he and his lackeys pull out of their asses. It might have made a difference several months ago, but that time has passed. Coming just a couple weeks after one of his campaign advisors openly called for HFC to be "shot for treason," and not only went unpunished by the campaign but has since been praised by Drumpf himself, it's irrelevant whether Drumpf just had a Freudian slip in the midst of another word-salad, or if he was dog-whistling.

Honestly, I have no real idea if Drumpf actually wants or expects Hillary Clinton to be attacked or assassinated by would-be Second Amendment "defenders." And that itself is a major part of the problem here -- that you can't really tell. He routinely speaks in such vitriolic, heavily personalized language that assumptions change. In the past week alone he's referred to her as a "devil" and a "monster." It's only a matter of time before one of the halfwits in the crowd decides to take him literally. If they think someone is an actual monster who will bring on the apocalypse, they might do just about anything to prevent them from succeeding.

He has staked his campaign on painting a heightened, hyperbolic caricature of his opponent. This requires not only calling her a monster, but lying about her positions as well. He has to know that he's lying, but beyond that, he knows that we all know he's full of shit. He counts on his cult not caring about any of that. They have their own set of facts, which change and morph with Dear Leader's mercurial temperament.

Burying the Lede

While the media chases its collective tail over Drumpf's Second Amendment, amirite? wink-and-a-nod to the (judging from the number of applause breaks) crowd of drooling morons, they're missing the real story here. Throughout the entire speech, he's either incoherent or flat-out lying, there's simply no in-between whatsoever. Many people are saying he's a fucking moron who can't stop lying. Sad!

Here's a fun incoherent part, where he talks about Carrier air conditioning moving a manufacturing plant to Mexico, and how he'd single-handedly stop it all (unless, of course, they were Drumpf Signature Line Air Conditioners, the classiest and coolest air conditioners you can find, they're tremendous, believe me):

And two things are gonna happen, one of two things — one of two things are gonna happen. Number one, if you get them in time, they’re not moving. Throws it all off-balance, since they’re all off-kilter. Number one they’re not — now, nobody — people would say well, why doesn’t anybody use this? Why doesn’t anybody mention it?

SPOILER ALERT -- he never makes it to number two. Sad! I think we all needed to know that second thing that was totally gonna happen.

Plop Fiction

Uh, yeaaahhhhh, I think we've heard that tall tale before. Funny how there's no description of the guy with the crowbar, or his vehicle, or how an elderly man gets beaten with a crowbar and doesn't need to go to the hospital, or how this supposedly happened "last week" (what day?) and we're just now hearing about it. These people are nearly as incompetent at lying as their bozo of a cult leader.

This story is in a number of outlets over the last few hours, all of them simply reprinting the original AP feed word-for-word. Did I miss something, or is the ASSOCIATED PRESS, like the Holy Roman Empire, no longer any of those things? I honestly can't believe any sort of qualified editor let this be released as a news item. Fucking Perez Hilton does more rigorous fact-checking.

Ten bucks says there is nothing, or nearly nothing, true or accurate about this story. But, you know, maybe a NEWS AGENCY could verify some facts and details before putting it out to the nation. This is what happens when your corporate media collectively says "fuck it."

Detroit Crock City

Let's all get ready for the Big Drumpf Pivot, in which this fucking clown, after more than a year of acting like a fucking clown, is suddenly going to show us how presidential he thinks he is. Billed as an economic policy speech, this was really just a teleprompter-driven, toned-down version of his usual stump speech, with a few economy-based generalities thrown in.

Let's look at the high points, such as they are:

• Simplifying the tax system to just three brackets;
• Capping the business tax rate at 15%;
• Reduce "job-killing" regulations (and presumably the jobs of the people who enforce them);
• Pull out of the TPP and renegotiate NAFTA;
• Slap tariffs on countries who won't negotiate "fairly";
• Commit to spending on infrastructure;
• Bring back coal industry jobs;
• Repeal the estate tax.

Obviously, most of this is the usual supply-side bafflegab we've been enduring off and on since the Reagan (PBUH) years. There's nothing new here. Working on the free-trade agreements is actually not a bad idea -- and even HFC has stated a willingness (for what that's worth) to look at both TPP and NAFTA -- but there are domestic conditions that must be addressed before that can happen, or it will absolutely cause trade wars which would definitely cost jobs and probably a recession as well.

Playing to Stereotype

Yet another piece about how Drumpfkins don't care about "facts." No surprise there, what's kinda fun is the accompanying photo:

Is it smug and mean and all that to poke a little observational humor at these folks, based strictly on how they look in the photo? Sure, but that's never stopped yours truly. The thing is, the most consistent pro-Drumpf argument the cultists have been able to muster is that he'll brings jobs back. (Though, of course, not his own signature line products.)

But -- and again, I'm being a dick here, but tell me I'm wrong -- none of the people in the photo look employable for much. I do like how Tattoo Woman, rather than making any effort to cover up her sleeves and leggings, simply threw on some jorts and a tie-dyed tank, with a jaunty ribbon in her hair. You know, like church.

Punchy the Whale

Seems like it's been a while since fat Mexican George Zimmerman has been in the news for something stupid, so it's good to be reminded that he's still kicking after all. At least until Herr Drumpfski's Deportation Task Farce makes an assumption and dumps his ass in some random Central American craphole.

Something to Consider

I know we're all against the death penalty now, some of us out of principle, and some (like myself) because in practice it is an enormously flawed and corrupt process, but the fact is that Dylann Stormfront Roof is 22 years old, and the rest of his life, even if he lives to be eighty, will be just like this, unless he finds someone to "ride" with for protection:

Dylann Roof was attacked after he was let out of his cell to take a shower at around 7:45 a.m. Thursday, Charleston County Sheriff Al Cannon said at a news conference.

As Roof left his cell, inmate Dwayne Stafford “ran down the stairs and was able to get to Roof, who was at or near the shower area,” the sheriff said.

Stafford, who is black, punched Roof “a number of times and assaulted him quickly,” Cannon said.

Don't worry, the guards can be trusted to keep young master Roof in (to use the colloquial) PC:

Officials are investigating how Stafford managed to get through a steel cell door with a narrow vertical window and down the stairs to reach Roof.

The two detention officers assigned to the unit are being interviewed and officials are also looking into the possibility the electronic door mechanism malfunctioned.

The area of the jail is for federal and high-security prisoners. It has two tiers of cells and the shower Roof was using was in the center on the ground floor. Cell doors can only be opened by officers sitting at a control console.

Yeah, that is indeed a mystery. Sure hope they get to the bottom of that. So to speak. Start with the equipment malfunction. Lose any videotape of the event that might exist. One thing we definitely know for sure is that prison guards are absolutely incorruptible.

Don't get me wrong, I have zero sympathy for Roof and whatever demented cause that drove him to his fateful moment, although Roof clearly came from let's say suboptimal circumstances. But the fact of the matter is that life without parole also presents a complex set of dangers and challenges: people who are literally disincentivized from attacking other inmates, guards, etc.

Supposedly the death penalty will be sought against Roof, and maybe it'll happen, or maybe it will just enable them to keep him in a more supervised environment for the next half-century. Either way, chances are Roof will spend the rest of his life not contemplating his sins, but deciding whether to become prey or predator. That's all the carceral state is anymore.

Beg to Differ

There's no need to statsplain the obvious confirmation-bias arguments, that people tend to believe what they want or need to believe, despite the facts. I honestly hope no one bothers with the hardcore maroons. There's just no percentage in it, and in fact, sometimes it has to be acknowledged that there are simply some people who do not learn the obvious and see what's in front of them until you break one off in their ass.

Look, when you say, essentially in the same argument, that people won't respond to facts, and that you can't convince them, you're admitting upfront that it's a waste of time to try to reach out to them. You might be able to sway them if they meet you halfway, engage with some semblance of intellectual honesty. Let the rest of us know if that ever happens to you.

Immigrant Song

I can't imagine anyone cares too deeply about any "inconsistencies" in Melania Drumpfski's story about emigrating to the US -- except, of course, insofar as it highlights the likelihood that her husband might be less than sincere in his commitment to keep out the furners.

Hell, this is the third time this week something has come up that undermines Clownstick's credibility on this issue. Late last week, it came out that Drumpf was hiring nearly 80 foreign workers at his Florida country club, because it's tough to find busboys to clean up after overfed swells or something. Yesterday, HFC shrewdly toured a tie factory in Colorado, comparing their ties with Drumpf's signature line, made in China. Of course, since Drumpf's name is his real product, he is indiscriminate about using workers from other countries to support it -- clothes made in Asia, furniture made in Turkey, etc.

I have seen commenters -- reasonably sane ones -- on websites, propounding their belief that Drumpf is sincere about reforming immigration laws, keeping out the moooslims, removing the illegals that have stuck around too long, yada yada. I find it somewhere between ridiculous and pathetic that, after listening to this man's foolishness for the past year, anyone could think he's sincere about anything, anything at all.

Recall that Drumpf pitched his tent early on as a birther, and a not terribly committed one at that, but just visible enough to serve as a rube magnet, to corral a base of true believers for the run. It's just marketing for (and to) morons, telling them what they want to hear. What's his slogan, Stop me before I'm forced to employ more furners!?

No one should be surprised, by the way, if it happens that the Drumpfkins really just want the brown people gone. Which again, is just one in a long line of reason why these dopes deserve everything they got comin' to them. You want sincerity? I sincerely wish they could get Drumpf, without the rest of us getting any of him on us. It would be a great way to thin out the herd.

Loser

Does it need to be pointed out that (especially three months out) only people who know they're going to lose talk about the contest being rigged? At least he's consistent in his fucking incompetence. I sincerely hope that after this shitshow is finally, blessedly done, the only thing keeping him from living on the sidewalk is the allowance he gets from Putin.

Come On Motherfucker

I've got nothing to lose but my apathy, the root of the problem has been isolated. -- Clutch, Come On Motherfucker

I suppose I naively thought they'd wait until closer to the actual election to spread the lie, but they're starting three months out.

"I'm afraid the election's gonna be rigged, I have to be honest," Trump told the crowd.

....

"If there’s voter fraud, this election will be illegitimate, the election of the winner will be illegitimate, we will have a constitutional crisis, widespread civil disobedience, and the government will no longer be the government," [Drumpf advisor] Stone said. He also promised a "bloodbath" if the Democrats attempt to "steal" the election.

Yeah, I have guns too, asshole. Bring it, you fucking Roy Cohn butt-boy. Let's dance.

The main thing to note here is that, like Corey Lewandowski, Stone was dismissed from Drumpfski's campaign, yet still continues to function as a surrogate. Hmmm, I wonder what the deal with that is? There's being a cynical, soulless, political animal, and there's trying to incite civil unrest. Fuck Roger Stone, although I'm sure someone will at the next swingers' club he visits.

Let's beat these fuckers until they don't know what hit them.

The Straight Talk Express Keeps Rollin'

Senator McCain has strong, empty words for the Khans, and for America:

"I cannot emphasize enough how deeply I disagree with Mr. Trump's statement. I hope Americans understand that the remarks do not represent the views of our Republican Party, its officers, or candidates."

Yeah, you might want to tell that to your own party nominee, numbnuts.

Look. I like John McCain. I respect his service and sacrifice. I probably would have voted for him in 2000, depending on who his running mate would have been if he had gotten that far. I was pissed at the shitty rumor-mongering, then and since, that Grampa Walnuts had taken one too many hits from Charlie at the Hanoi Hilton, that Johnny Mac had snakes in his head.