Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Hair Today, Gall Tomorrow

Renaissance man and serial monogamist Donald Trump's twitter-twatting is the stuff of legend. Near as I can tell, this is not a parody. He coins amazing, memorable turns of phrase:
Boy howdy, if this century gets its own Algonquin Round Table going, the Trumpster's got a seat right next to Kanye West, ya heard? Jesus, I hope someone remembered to chronicle that timeless nugget o' wisdom.

But wait, there's more. He's not just the Samuel Johnson of the new millennium, you miserable peons. He's also a formidable baseball prognosticator:
Bang zoom, chumps! Forget that Verlander gave up three hits and one run (and that to start to ninth inning) in leading the Tigers to a 3-games-to-none leg up on the Yanks in the ALCS. The Donald has spoken.

Aside from notable quotes and sports psychicry, Mister Man also has the outside scoop on the politics that the kidz are talking about. Consider the sacrifice he just made for you fellow twatterers:
Awww, was he going to roll with the mouth-breathing undecideds who inexplicably got a featured role for the latest round of showpiece inanity? Seriously, who the hell is "undecided" at this point, were these people dropped on their fucking heads or something?

Of course, Teh Dawnuld is most certainly decided, like a boss y'all.

As you might assume, it goes on like that, with all the usual wit, reserve, and self-effacing charm that has characterized Kid Ego since his bootstrpping days as a short-fingered vulgarian thumbing his way through Daddy's money.

Oh yeah, he's not an economist, but he plays one on the teevee:
Who's "we" sailor, you got a mouse in your pocket? See, this is where Real America needs to really send a message to diehard inbred class warriors like Trump and Rmoney. The problem is not that they're obscenely wealthy -- the problem is that they were born on third base and seriously believe they hit stand-up triples.

At least Rmoney, far as I've ever seen, has never had the stones to throw out something like this, even as a goof:
Sure, and he has a 22" cock that every starlet lines up around the block nightly to suck, and has hit at least six holes-in-one at all of his golf courses, which are so elite and so difficult to play, that no one else has even been able to hit one. Really, the only reason Trump never joined the PGA is that it would have been unfair to the Woodses and Mickelsons and McIlroys of the world. Not sure why all you ungrateful motherfuckers haven't been thanking this guy on, like, and hourly basis for gracing our undeserving planet with his mighty beneficence for as long as he has deigned to. But really, people, get with the program already. Can't leave all the sucking up to rappers and Yankees, now can we?

Seriously, I don't know if Trump is part Korean or what, because the last two guys I recall with such a gratuitously bloated opinion of themselves and every blessed dump they ever dropped on the world were Kim Jong Il and Sun Myung Moon.

 Guess some other folks thought the twattering was a parody as well. Can't imagine why.

As a special bonus for all youse workin' slobs out there, suck on this:

I am not remotely kidding or exaggerating when I say that if Trump was my boss, I'd quit tomorrow. Trump's continued ability to not get struck by lightning -- or better yet, rendered dirt-poor rather than merely being able to declare bankruptcy every time one of his genius ideas goes Wile E. Coyote on him -- is incontrovertible proof that if there even is a God, He's a dick.

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