Saturday, February 25, 2012


Li'l Ricky's sweater vest continues to unravel:

Speaking to a tea party group in Michigan on Saturday, former senator Rick Santorum (R-Pa.) accused President Obama of being a “snob” because he wants “everybody in America to go to college.”

The statement is a curious one considering that Santorum — who holds a B.A., M.B.A. and J.D. — holds more advanced degrees than Obama, who has a B.A. and a J.D.

Well, it's not that curious since Ricky speaks for and to the for-me-not-thee claque, who never met a handout they wouldn't take for themselves, but will bellow like a wounded farm animal if anyone else were to partake. It's true that college is not for everyone -- the poor teachers at the state system forced to try to work remedial math and English students who shouldn't have graduated from high school in the first place can attest to that -- but the bottom line is that the lifetime income gap between people with degrees and people without is only going to grow.

And of course Santorum knows this, just as surely as he knows what sort of catchy bullshit stokes the fires of his moron brigades. If this is what he's reduced to spouting, that debate debacle has him circling the drain even faster than it previously appeared.

Hearts 'n' Minds

You know, on the one hand, it almost gives you a headache to think that after ten years in that puckered butthole of a country, anyone could still be stupid enough to antagonize the Afghan populace by burning Qurans. On the other, it would be notable if they got one-tenth this indignant over the ongoing routine enslavement, rape, torture, murder, and daily oppression of their own women and children. That this sort of behavior can even euphemistically be referred to like it's just some cultural quirk or tic, a difference of opinion, is just revolting.

It would be nice if we could airlift their victims and, I don't know, send them to school -- or hell, just not enslave and rape and abuse them, but it ain't gonna happen. It's time to get the fuck out. There's nothing you can do with this contemptible mindset. If this is where we and they are at after a long decade, it's time to go.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Wholly Water

Although I pick on various religions fairly broadly, I tend by and large to go easy on the Mormons. But one thing I find peculiarly annoying is their "baptism" of dead people. The problem with it is not that they're "praying in" Holocaust victims, the problem is when they do anyone outside the faith without permission.

Now, of course as an atheist, it goes without saying that, as far as I'm concerned, it's just an empty, meaningless anodyne ritual. So what's the harm, then? Well, no "harm" in the sense that a mortal offense has been committed, and retribution must be had, or anything like that.

But it is a dick move. It's inconsiderate and presumptuous. It's disrespectful. It goes without saying that if acolytes of another institutionalized superstition were doing the same to LDS ancestors, they'd be annoyed by it.

This is not quite as irritating as their tax-free political meddling in the California referendum process, but it still sucks. You want people to stop calling you a cult, this is one thing you can remedy toward that end.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Ich Bin Ein Douchebag

Fun times at the CPAC.

Maybe it's just me, but at this point, every time I see Sarah Palin on my teevee (and fail to find the remote quickly enough) I think of those little yappy purse dogs. Doesn't even matter what she's saying anymore; she could be saying the sun will rise in the east tomorrow, and it would still come out this fingernails-on-chalkboard white noise. The CPACkers are still lining up for this stale guff, but then, somebody still watches Survivor, right? Chacun à son bloody goût, n'est-ce pas?

Extra kudos to Mike Huckabee for misusing not just one, but two classic phrases, previously invoked on truly serious, momentous scenarios, repurposed for his little clown conference. Surprised he didn't work in some "first they came for the deep-fried butter-stick eaters" schtick while he was at it.

Wednesday, February 08, 2012

Mitt For Brains (Spreading Santorum)

Ah, the heady thrill of a brief, deep gulp of the air of victory, adrenaline replacing oxygen in the exultation of pulling off a hat-trick upset in low-turnout flyover states with large swaths of ardent morons in the throes of their latest Anyone-But-Mitt mancrush. A series of new mistakes has piled up around these idiots' ears like a flurry of cholo-lettered neck tattoos; politically, the teahadis' panties lie at the foot of the bed of yet another coyote-fuck one-night-stand. Really, it's about to the point where they can't keep the names straight anymore, not that there's a whole lot of difference in the first place.

'Course, the obviousness of the 'baggers' ongoing failure to land a man who understands their special needs flies right past the usual fambly-valyews hacks, bless their pointy little heads:

“I think the reason Santorum didn’t get more votes before was because of the belief that he couldn’t win,” said Richard Disney, an organizer for the Tea Party in Reno, Nev. But, Mr. Disney said, he voted for Mr. Santorum mainly because “he was the only candidate I could stomach,” and he expects other Tea Party members are coming to the same conclusion.

Before the vote in South Carolina in January, a group of religious and conservative leaders met in Texas and decided to rally around Mr. Santorum’s candidacy to try to stop Mr. Romney. But Mr. Gingrich’s decisive victory in South Carolina suggested that evangelical voters were not taking their cues from the leaders.

Gary L. Bauer, president of American Values, who attended that Texas meeting and backs Mr. Santorum, said Wednesday that one reason the leaders’ influence was not felt was that “these voters do not vote in lock step.” He also said many of the leaders were not from South Carolina and they would be more effective in states that vote later as they circulate newsletters, e-mails and video clips of Mr. Santorum’s debate highlights.

“All that has been going on and it will increase after last night,” Mr. Bauer said.

He also pointed to what he saw as the fortunate emergence in recent days on the national scene of several issues of intense social importance — abortion, contraception and same-sex marriage — just as Minnesota, Missouri and Colorado, with their strongholds of conservative voters, were preparing to go to the polls.

“The conventional wisdom is that it’s always the economy, and of course it is for most Americans,” Mr. Bauer said. “But no one is able to call a ‘time out’ on these values issues, and I wouldn’t be surprised if in part that helped stimulate voters to turn out for Senator Santorum.”

I don't know about you, folks, but I'm long tired of having these moronic pseudo-debates with these moronic individuals and groups. This is not the mark of a mature industrialized economy, much less a world leader. These are the dick-thumbing squabbles a bunch of boy-raping tribesmen in Bachabazistan have, when they're not picking bugs off each other's asses.

Sorry, but this is just fucking stupid. The economy has gone through a catastrophic meltdown that will take at least a decade to recover from (if it ever fully does), millions of people have lost their jobs and houses and livelihoods, and these jagoffs are worried about the usual fags-a-gittin-hitched, daughters-on-the-pill bullshit their grandparents fretted over? Are you fuckin' kidding me?

It's too bad the Catholic Church is butt-hurt over their businesses' employee insurance being "forced" to provide coverage for contraceptives. I can't believe this is a discussion, that there are adults in this (or any) country upset about birth control. (Invariably, these are always the same asswipes who are up in arms about the prevalence of abortion, but we'll get to that.)

Then again, I can't believe there are free, independent adults who take marching orders on their reproductive rights from a bunch of pedophile-enabling celibates. I can't think of a group of people on the planet less likely to have a clue about how normal human sexual relations work than a bunch of Catholic clergymen. Put it this way -- ten bucks says the insurance covers boner pills, and the diocese is just fucking jake with all that.

And in fact that seems to be the case -- voters identifying themselves as Catholics have consistently been out in front of the average American overall on this issue, polling regularly in favor of being (again, I can't believe this has to be said) allowed access to birth control and contraceptive options. And of course they're going to be way the hell out in front of their "leaders" on this, men who literally have no idea what they're making pronunciamentos about, except in the most abstract, dogmatic terms. Like Wall Street, the church is another beast that needs to be starved, that will not go away until enough of its constituents/victims get wise and stop feeding it.

Naturally, Ross Douthat, the thinking man's David Brooks, steps to the plate and attempts to articulate the right-wing culture vulture's view on these vital issues, in the guise of attempting to split the difference.

Problem is, there's just no difference to split here anymore, not really. Douthat correctly outlines the three big "social issue" buzzfeeds of the past week: mandated coverage of contraception, the Komen Foundation's botched attempt to roll Planned Parenthood, and the Ninth Circuit Court flipping the egregious Prop. 8 ruling. What he misses is how these issues are already lost for the sanctimonious god-pesterers.

Look, it can't be re-stated often enough or emphatically enough -- anyone worried about contraception or gay marriage is simply nuts. And as we always say, trying to deal rationally with fundamentally irrational people is by definition a waste of time. I wish it weren't so, but it is. It is like trying to argue with someone who doubts the existence of gravity, or thinks the earth is flat.

Abortion, as an issue per se, is trickier, in that intellectually honest brokers can come to different conclusions on it, at least to a degree. In other words, a goofball like Santorum insisting that life begins at conception falls into the aforementioned irrational group, but someone, say, objecting to a late-term abortion that was not due to any particular danger to the fetus or the mother has at least a point worth making.

But that point is not the one that Komen was attempting to make by withdrawing its funding, and Douthat knows it. For one, PP obviously provides a broad spectrum of women's health services that have nothing at all to do with abortion. For another, abortion is, well, legal; like it or not, this has been settled law for nearly forty years now. For yet another, the immediate and widespread reaction -- not only the wave of donations to PP but the threat of a boycott against Komen's increasingly tedious pink-washing guff -- should make it clear to one and all that, while individuals may be squeamish about abortion, and not choose it for themselves, they also don't trust a sanctimonious turd like Rick Santorum to sort it out for them.

Now, critics of that will invariably cite some god-awful statistic about how abortion has become this afternoon lark that women just like doing for shits and giggles, that it's like going to a resort or something, that's it's practically a method of birth control unto itself. Two things to say to this: 1) Maybe you should provide -- no, insist on easier access to regular birth control, then; 2) Why in the hell would you want someone who uses abortion as birth control to even become a parent?

Where these pathological idjits should lose just about anyone with a shred of conscience or dignity is where they insist that even in cases of rape or incest, abortion should be illegal? Really? You would rather force a woman to bear a rape-baby, to be confronted with that pain and indignity literally every minute of every day for the rest of her life, than even to let her just take a morning-after pill, much less get an actual D&E procedure? Proves my point about being unable to talk to these people -- not to mention the fact that they're so far beyond butt-fucking stupid, they fall for literally anything.

Now, the problem is not that this Santorum surge (and yes, feel free to upchuck a little in your mouth at that visual) is for real. It's not. He's unelectable; he knows it, and more importantly the party knows it. But it's enough to keep the horse race interesting, and since the refs get paid to keep things interesting, they'll milk it as long as they can -- just long enough, inevitably, to force the Mittster to genuflect in the direction of these weirdos to try to get them on board.

It's just infuriating to see it come to this, to think that a country of 320 million people, instead of being a vibrant, mature democracy that can debate big ideas and big issues with integrity and intellectual honesty, has so many bozos who would much rather live in some repressed, lace-curtain nation of finks and busybodies. You honestly have to wonder whether any of them have wives, daughters, mothers, any sort of female perspective in their lives.

But it's important to keep in mind that there are plenty of women involved in these sideshow antics. When you decry the vicissitudes of the intrusive patriarchy, please remember: we can't do it without your help, ladies. You could try some grand Lysistrata-type of gesture, but then, no one wants to fuck these guys in the first place. That may be part of why they're so hellbent on controlling others' sex lives.

Sunday, February 05, 2012

Hoodie and the Blowfish

Line forms to the left, ladies! Photo swiped from Kissing Suzy Kolber.

Aside from the fact that I can hold a grudge like Newt Gingrich clutching a snack cake, and ten years down the road I still hate the fucking Patsies like a case of the clap because of the Tuck Rule, this time around it was just good to know that Saint Brady's Super Bowl loss tonight made the Baby Bundchen cry. In two blessed weeks of unstoppable hype, in which every bit of tedious minutia gets raked over as if it means something, Gisele Bundchen's prayer is probably the most off-putting -- and should be even more off-putting to people who actually believe in god.

Hell, I doubt if even Brady would have the gall to pray for success. He goes in, he does his job, win or lose. He wakes up every morning knowing that he already got a rare deal out of life's lottery, what with an easy first-ballot Hall of Fame NFL career, more money than he can spend, and a billionaire supermodel girlfriend. It's okay to still play to win, and be a true competitor, but to beseech the Big Guy for divine intervention after all that would just be greedy.

At any rate, oddly this might be most frustrating for Peyton Manning, a supremely gifted quarterback who managed to win just one championship, will probably not get to another in what's left of his career, and watched his adequately but lesser talented brother just get out from under his shadow with a second Super Bowl win, first with a wild-card team, now with a lame 9-7 team -- and against Peyton's biggest nemesis both times.

And no, I didn't bother with the halftime show. The Black Guy Pees' effort last year pretty much ruined that for me, until they get an actual rock band again, instead of this canned, choreographed dance crap.

[Update (2/6, 6:45 PST): Looks like Bundchen, unsatisfied with her earlier efforts to be an insufferable dunce, decided to double-down and trash the Patsies' receivers going butterfingers on the final comeback attempt. Too funny. She's partly right, of course, but the fact is that Justin Tuck's sacks and heavy pursuit had Brady rattled, and he wasn't 100% by the end. Some of his throws were money, and should have been caught, but some of them were dead ducks.

But it's not like those guys haven't made countless clutch catches for Brady (who, as much as I abhor the guy and his team, still have to admit that he would never have thrown them under the bus like that) in the past. And she just made it that tiny bit harder on team chemistry in the off-season. Awesome.]

[Update #2 (9:00 PST): Okay, okay, I'll stop with the updates. But Kee-rist, ya gotta see this takedown of what has to the bitchiest, douchiest sportswriter evar. Has to be read to be believed. I mean, I never, and I mean fucking never envisioned myself even remotely defending Tom Brady, but goddamned if this particular assclown didn't make me reconsider. He's only taken his team to the goddamned championship game five times in the last decade, winning three and losing two by a handful of points, and this asshole complains about it like Brady fucked his mom and shaved his dog.

Bear in mind that, of 32 teams in the NFL, in 46 years four teams (Cleveland, Detroit, Houston, Jacksonville -- the last two being expansion teams from 2002 and 1995 respectively) have never even made it to the Super Bowl, and ten more have made it at least once but never won. So nearly half the teams (and their fans) have no idea what it's like to win a championship -- and several others, such as the Raiders and 49ers, have been and won multiple times, but not in many years.

Again, Brady has gone five times and won three. In the past decade. And this douchehat has the balls to not only complain, but to single out Brady for his "hideous performance" (27/46, 276 yds, 2 TD, 1 INT). Slash in KSK comments nails it as "weapons-grade douche". I mean, it's been funny to note how Gisele is starting to Yoko Brady's mojo, but this pathetic, personal sort of shit this columnist pulls out of his ass is just nuts.

I hope the guy at least has enough sense to realize that nobody in the Patsies organization will ever talk to his dumb ass again. I sure as fuck wouldn't.]

Friday, February 03, 2012

Slump Buster

If you weren't quite convinced yet that Mitt Romney is a soulless plutocrat douche, maybe this will help. Not that this is any sort of shock; one hectomillionaire endorsing another for political power is our nation's -- every nation's -- lifeblood.

Even if some putative working-class mook manages to Horatio Alger himself into high office, he is always and forever reminded of who really put him there; Obama is never going to rattle any cages, any more than Clinton would have. Life is long, after all, they are young, with young families and children with futures ahead of them. That is not a hint at dark conspiracy, just an understanding that sterling careers are built and mortared on not pissing the wrong people off, lest they get the idea that their pelf is better spent on someone more grateful.

All that said, there is something irredeemably, obscenely vulgar about watching this ancient lounge lizard, orange-y pelt glued to the top of a phrenologist's wet dream, leathered facial hide bronzed with the blood of a thousand Eastern European escorts and the sweat of a thousand Guatemalan maids, throwing his imaginary weight behind perhaps the least popular Republican candidate in recent memory. Romney is so white, he makes me -- whose LA street nickname was "Cracker McCrackerton" -- look like Malcolm X. (Okay, slightly repurposed Paul Mooney smackdown about Wayne Brady. Thanks, Mr. Mooney.)

There is something grimly funny about watching this white, uptight, and outtasite super-Mormon sell his ass to a modern-day Caligula, a man who earned the honorific "short-fingered vulgarian", an unrepentant power tool who flirted with the pretense of entering the race as a publicity stunt last year, and just last week had his minions issue a proclamation that, were he sufficiently genuflected to, he might consider running as a third-party candidate. Of course, that idea fell by the wayside when Trump's natural pick for a running mate had to maintain his day job coercing bodacious retards to drink donkey jism. (Their parents must be so proud. Why not just do gang-bang porn and be done with it, girls?)

Anyway, is there a better sign for the state of the nation and the electorate than this -- a pretend bidnessman who can't even keep from going bankrupt in the casino racket, an industry several layers deep in corruption, a man who communicates routinely in cheap and increasingly desperate publicity stunts, deigning to grant his official imprimatur to a corporate android, a vulture capitalist grown rich from the usury generated by the American jobs he squashed and sent to Asia and pocketed the difference?

And Romney is so widely and deeply loathed, both by his base and the party establishment, that he has to sit there and take the venereal gift of Trump's approval like he wanted it. Just hours after crowing over beating the toxic turd Gingrich in Florida. Bwahahaha. And here I'm picking on the chicks drinking donkey chowder for the amusement of whatever inbred troglodytes watch that reality show. This reality show is becoming much more debasing. Next thing you know, Romney's going to have to let Meat Loaf and Gary Busey feel him up for Trump's amusement, just to try to squeak a bump in the coveted extra-chromosome demo.

You know, America, as long as you keep Trump on the air by watching his dumb-ass show, this is all your fucking fault.