Mitt For Brains (Spreading Santorum)

Ah, the heady thrill of a brief, deep gulp of the air of victory, adrenaline replacing oxygen in the exultation of pulling off a hat-trick upset in low-turnout flyover states with large swaths of ardent morons in the throes of their latest Anyone-But-Mitt mancrush. A series of new mistakes has piled up around these idiots' ears like a flurry of cholo-lettered neck tattoos; politically, the teahadis' panties lie at the foot of the bed of yet another coyote-fuck one-night-stand. Really, it's about to the point where they can't keep the names straight anymore, not that there's a whole lot of difference in the first place.

'Course, the obviousness of the 'baggers' ongoing failure to land a man who understands their special needs flies right past the usual fambly-valyews hacks, bless their pointy little heads:

“I think the reason Santorum didn’t get more votes before was because of the belief that he couldn’t win,” said Richard Disney, an organizer for the Tea Party in Reno, Nev. But, Mr. Disney said, he voted for Mr. Santorum mainly because “he was the only candidate I could stomach,” and he expects other Tea Party members are coming to the same conclusion.

Before the vote in South Carolina in January, a group of religious and conservative leaders met in Texas and decided to rally around Mr. Santorum’s candidacy to try to stop Mr. Romney. But Mr. Gingrich’s decisive victory in South Carolina suggested that evangelical voters were not taking their cues from the leaders.

Gary L. Bauer, president of American Values, who attended that Texas meeting and backs Mr. Santorum, said Wednesday that one reason the leaders’ influence was not felt was that “these voters do not vote in lock step.” He also said many of the leaders were not from South Carolina and they would be more effective in states that vote later as they circulate newsletters, e-mails and video clips of Mr. Santorum’s debate highlights.

“All that has been going on and it will increase after last night,” Mr. Bauer said.

He also pointed to what he saw as the fortunate emergence in recent days on the national scene of several issues of intense social importance — abortion, contraception and same-sex marriage — just as Minnesota, Missouri and Colorado, with their strongholds of conservative voters, were preparing to go to the polls.

“The conventional wisdom is that it’s always the economy, and of course it is for most Americans,” Mr. Bauer said. “But no one is able to call a ‘time out’ on these values issues, and I wouldn’t be surprised if in part that helped stimulate voters to turn out for Senator Santorum.”

I don't know about you, folks, but I'm long tired of having these moronic pseudo-debates with these moronic individuals and groups. This is not the mark of a mature industrialized economy, much less a world leader. These are the dick-thumbing squabbles a bunch of boy-raping tribesmen in Bachabazistan have, when they're not picking bugs off each other's asses.

Sorry, but this is just fucking stupid. The economy has gone through a catastrophic meltdown that will take at least a decade to recover from (if it ever fully does), millions of people have lost their jobs and houses and livelihoods, and these jagoffs are worried about the usual fags-a-gittin-hitched, daughters-on-the-pill bullshit their grandparents fretted over? Are you fuckin' kidding me?

It's too bad the Catholic Church is butt-hurt over their businesses' employee insurance being "forced" to provide coverage for contraceptives. I can't believe this is a discussion, that there are adults in this (or any) country upset about birth control. (Invariably, these are always the same asswipes who are up in arms about the prevalence of abortion, but we'll get to that.)

Then again, I can't believe there are free, independent adults who take marching orders on their reproductive rights from a bunch of pedophile-enabling celibates. I can't think of a group of people on the planet less likely to have a clue about how normal human sexual relations work than a bunch of Catholic clergymen. Put it this way -- ten bucks says the insurance covers boner pills, and the diocese is just fucking jake with all that.

And in fact that seems to be the case -- voters identifying themselves as Catholics have consistently been out in front of the average American overall on this issue, polling regularly in favor of being (again, I can't believe this has to be said) allowed access to birth control and contraceptive options. And of course they're going to be way the hell out in front of their "leaders" on this, men who literally have no idea what they're making pronunciamentos about, except in the most abstract, dogmatic terms. Like Wall Street, the church is another beast that needs to be starved, that will not go away until enough of its constituents/victims get wise and stop feeding it.

Naturally, Ross Douthat, the thinking man's David Brooks, steps to the plate and attempts to articulate the right-wing culture vulture's view on these vital issues, in the guise of attempting to split the difference.

Problem is, there's just no difference to split here anymore, not really. Douthat correctly outlines the three big "social issue" buzzfeeds of the past week: mandated coverage of contraception, the Komen Foundation's botched attempt to roll Planned Parenthood, and the Ninth Circuit Court flipping the egregious Prop. 8 ruling. What he misses is how these issues are already lost for the sanctimonious god-pesterers.

Look, it can't be re-stated often enough or emphatically enough -- anyone worried about contraception or gay marriage is simply nuts. And as we always say, trying to deal rationally with fundamentally irrational people is by definition a waste of time. I wish it weren't so, but it is. It is like trying to argue with someone who doubts the existence of gravity, or thinks the earth is flat.

Abortion, as an issue per se, is trickier, in that intellectually honest brokers can come to different conclusions on it, at least to a degree. In other words, a goofball like Santorum insisting that life begins at conception falls into the aforementioned irrational group, but someone, say, objecting to a late-term abortion that was not due to any particular danger to the fetus or the mother has at least a point worth making.

But that point is not the one that Komen was attempting to make by withdrawing its funding, and Douthat knows it. For one, PP obviously provides a broad spectrum of women's health services that have nothing at all to do with abortion. For another, abortion is, well, legal; like it or not, this has been settled law for nearly forty years now. For yet another, the immediate and widespread reaction -- not only the wave of donations to PP but the threat of a boycott against Komen's increasingly tedious pink-washing guff -- should make it clear to one and all that, while individuals may be squeamish about abortion, and not choose it for themselves, they also don't trust a sanctimonious turd like Rick Santorum to sort it out for them.

Now, critics of that will invariably cite some god-awful statistic about how abortion has become this afternoon lark that women just like doing for shits and giggles, that it's like going to a resort or something, that's it's practically a method of birth control unto itself. Two things to say to this: 1) Maybe you should provide -- no, insist on easier access to regular birth control, then; 2) Why in the hell would you want someone who uses abortion as birth control to even become a parent?

Where these pathological idjits should lose just about anyone with a shred of conscience or dignity is where they insist that even in cases of rape or incest, abortion should be illegal? Really? You would rather force a woman to bear a rape-baby, to be confronted with that pain and indignity literally every minute of every day for the rest of her life, than even to let her just take a morning-after pill, much less get an actual D&E procedure? Proves my point about being unable to talk to these people -- not to mention the fact that they're so far beyond butt-fucking stupid, they fall for literally anything.

Now, the problem is not that this Santorum surge (and yes, feel free to upchuck a little in your mouth at that visual) is for real. It's not. He's unelectable; he knows it, and more importantly the party knows it. But it's enough to keep the horse race interesting, and since the refs get paid to keep things interesting, they'll milk it as long as they can -- just long enough, inevitably, to force the Mittster to genuflect in the direction of these weirdos to try to get them on board.

It's just infuriating to see it come to this, to think that a country of 320 million people, instead of being a vibrant, mature democracy that can debate big ideas and big issues with integrity and intellectual honesty, has so many bozos who would much rather live in some repressed, lace-curtain nation of finks and busybodies. You honestly have to wonder whether any of them have wives, daughters, mothers, any sort of female perspective in their lives.

But it's important to keep in mind that there are plenty of women involved in these sideshow antics. When you decry the vicissitudes of the intrusive patriarchy, please remember: we can't do it without your help, ladies. You could try some grand Lysistrata-type of gesture, but then, no one wants to fuck these guys in the first place. That may be part of why they're so hellbent on controlling others' sex lives.