Saturday, July 04, 2015

The Dogs of Bore

Jesus H. Christ, this is still a thing? I suppose the fact that "competitive eating" never really took off as a true professional sport (in that a significant number of people could make a decent living solely from that) is somewhat reassuring, as is the rather obvious fact that these bozos are doing substantial damage to their gastrointestinal systems.

The dopier pro-wrestling style antics have been played up in the Nathan's competition in recent years, perhaps to overshadow the possibility that there really isn't enough prize money unless you're some sort of weirdo living in mom's basement rent-free. How'd you like to be the one trying to sell your parents on this particular path to greatness?

Here's the thing about sports:  they generally involve people routinely performing feats of athletic prowess that most people cannot do, because of levels of physical conditioning. But anyone can eat several dozen hot dogs in a short amount of time, if they choose to spend weeks or months beforehand "practicing," dunking them in glasses of water to facilitate sliding down the gullet, and drinking enormous amounts of water before and after (risking water intoxication) in order to artificially distend the stomach and intestines. Not exactly the regimen of dieting, lifting weights, running, and learning playbooks undertaken by actual athletes of pretty much every real sport.

Bottom line:  not only is it disgusting and gluttonous, it's a sport in roughly the same way Groundhog Day is a holiday, or Dr. Dre is a licensed medical professional. But considering that the most play this crap gets is on Memorial Day and Independence Day, supposedly two days to at least pretend to celebrate some level of national greatness and significance, it might be more interesting to televise and report the entire proceedings -- especially the aftermath. What's the over/under on how long Stonie and Chestnut and the rest of these maroons spend squeezing out a 15-pound growler on the can later tonight?


Brian M said...

Can I mentiojn "Golf"?

Heywood J. said...

Sure, pound for pound, golf has to be one of the more wasteful sports, especially during worldwide water shortages. Playing devil's advocate, I would say that at least golf requires some actual skill, and many of the courses are spectacular in terms of aesthetic design.

But yeah, it's a rich man's sport for the most part, and the attempts to broaden the sport's appeal have faltered since Tiger Woods' career has declined, and no real superstar has emerged to take his place. Record numbers of courses have been closing for several years now.

California, for starters, needs to require that every golf course in the state needs to be 100% treated wastewater within, say, the next 18 months, or be forcibly closed. The amount of water that Palm Springs wastes, trying to maintain an oasis in the middle of the Mojave, is unconscionable.