Cruz Control

This GQ article is a fine rundown of the Texas Senate race. Just read it, and soak in all the Rafael Cruz-y goodness. He's sticking with that "this human suit is getting itchy" schtick of his. Whatever works, fucko.

Seriously. The US Senate is teeming with assholes. Mitch "the Bitch" McConnell. Orrin "Saint Insufferable" Hatch. Marco "Pool Boy" Rubio. Rand "Serdechniy Droog" Paul. Obviously there are others. But Cruz manages to stand out even among that crowd of losers as a gaping asshole.

Cruz's worst traits are actually of the more subtle, nuanced type, but just as telling as (for example) McConnell's open-court poaching of two SCOTUS seats in less than two years. But you decide for yourselves which of these two salient Cruz facts paints him in a worse light:

• During the 2016 campaign, Clownstick called Cruz's wife ugly and insinuated that Cruz's father (who, to be fair, is both certifiably insane and, like his son, a gaping asshole) was involved in the JFK assassination. Cruz still sucks Clownstick's mini-cheeto every chance he gets, probably because he thinks he'll eventually get a SCOTUS appointment. Or maybe because he just has no self-respect. Does it really matter?
• As a child, Cruz sent money to Jesse Helms. Read that again, aloud if need be. AS A CHILD, RAFAEL EDWARD "TED" CRUZ SENT MONEY TO JESSE FUCKING HELMS. Maybe Cruz's whackjob evangelist dad made him sleep in the yard with the dog or something. But seriously, imagine the sort of "child" that sends money to a monster like Jesse Helms, instead of, I dunno, buying comic books and candy bars and the sorts of things Earth children buy with their money.

There's something deeply wrong with someone like that. He should consider himself lucky he's running against Beto O'Rourke, and not someone like, well, me. Because it's fucking Texas, where men are men and sheep are scared. And I can assure you, at every goddamn whistle stop I hit, I'd make damn sure to pick some random middle-aged gent out of the crowd, bring him up on stage for a minute, and it'd go something like this:

HEYWOOD J.:  Sir, can I ask you your name?
RANDOM MAN:  Rusty Shackleford.
HEYWOOD J: We've never met before, is that correct, sir?
SHACKLEFORD: Nope, never met.
HEYWOOD J.:  Mr. Shackleford, are you married?
SHACKLEFORD:  Yes, I am.
HEYWOOD J.:  Now, this might seem like a silly question but, do you love your wife?
SHACKLEFORD:  Yes, I do.
HEYWOOD J.:  What about your folks, do you love and honor and respect your parents?
SHACKLEFORD (growing concerned):  Well, of course.
HEYWOOD J.:  Yes sir, just establishing your bona-fides. This is Texas, and so I know you love your wife and your parents. So Mr. Shackleford, if another man disrespected your wife and your parents, what might be your reaction?
SHACKLEFORD (smiling, but also frowning):  Well, I guess I'd have to kick his ass. (chuckles)
HEYWOOD J.:  I expect you would, sir, as any decent man would. So what would you think of a man who called another man's wife ugly, and said his father killed JFK, and that second man not only didn't do anything about it, but tried to suck up to that first man who slandered his family? Now, we know how you'd feel about the first man, but how about the second man, the guy who had his wife and father insulted, and still wanted to be friends with the man who insulted them?
SHACKLEFORD (getting confused and a bit angry):  Well, shit -- sorry -- but that don't make any sense, what you're saying. You mean, the first guy calls the second guy's wife a pig, and then the first guy says the second guy's dad's a killer, and the second guy not only don't do nothin' about it, but he tries to pal up with that first guy?
HEYWOOD J.:  Yes sir, that's exactly what I'm asking you.
SHACKLEFORD (pauses, measuring his words):  Well, Jesus Christ, I really don't know, 'cause I honestly don't think I've come across someone that....shit, that gutless. Hell, I'd have less respect for the second guy, tell ya the truth. First guy's an asshole, no doubt. But that second guy, don't stand up for his wife or his dad? [widens eyes in exasperation] I'd say he needs a good ass-kickin' too!
HEYWOOD J.:  Yes sir, right you are. Just for the record, the first guy in the story is Donald Trump, and the second guy is Ted Cruz.

And I'd video that shit and put it up on fucking YouTube, over and over and fucking over again. Because it captures the intangibles that motivate people to vote with passion. They don't vote on this or that policy position, especially for a fucking senate seat. They vote on who moves them. And nothing's going to stir their contempt more than a smarmy little asshole who lets a clown shit on the mother of his children, and on his own father, and still fucking sucks up to him like a cheap Port Authority hooker to her pimp in a bad Starsky & Hutch knock-off.

I hope O'Rourke steps up and knocks his fucking block off, because it will win that Senate seat for him. That's the kind of thing that will galvanize the vote.