Heavy Petting

One of the better one-liners from the 2016 campaign came from P.J. O'Rourke, who explained that he would be voting for Hillary Clinton because even though Clinton was "wrong about absolutely everything, she's wrong within normal parameters." It was useful not because it was particularly side-splitting, but because it concisely explained the dynamic at work, between a careerist pol who, while competent was widely despised, and a shameless, inept grifter.

It was also useful because it served as an illustration, however rare, of a conservative taking an opportunity to demonstrate the concept of intellectual honesty. Unlike many of his peers in the wake of the election, O'Rourke has been consistent in his opposition to the incompetent clown.

The characterization is also useful because it applies quite well to some conservative politicians. Nebraska Senator Ben Sasse would be a good example, as would Mike Pence. Pence is a hack among hacks, a talk-radio weasel who latched on to the political grift, and was on his way to getting unceremoniously booted out of Indiana before the angry clown rescued him.

So Pence's cat Oreo died today, at the age of thirteen, and the linked article provides several photos of Pence and his wife holding their pets (they have another cat named Pickle, and a rabbit named Marlon Bundo). It seems pretty clear that Pence genuinely loves his animals. And while we may find it weird that Pence calls his wife Karen "Mother," and refuses as a matter of principle to dine alone with any other woman, they clearly love and care for each other.

Philly Cheese Stank, Day 4: All In

Let's take a rare break from the usual "bitter cynic" character, and give credit where credit is due:  Hillary crushed it. Really. Good politicians are good salespeople at heart, and the candidate speech at a nominating convention is as high stakes as it gets when it comes to sales pitches.

And she made a very effective sales pitch that stands well on its own, but looks even better when stacked up against Ragey McPocalypse's hour-plus of screaming at his audience about the Mad Max charnel house outside the RNC arena. HFC also did that very effectively, used Drumpf's own crazed rhetoric and inexcusable self-regard to paint him as an unreliable goofball with the temperament of a dopey teenager whose mom has to pull the hardened masturbation socks out from under his bed and crack them before throwing them into the laundry.

Depending on how the media decide to frame the speech, and which money quotes they push, this could easily mark the point where people decide to vote for Hillary, rather than merely against Drumpfski and his Russian overseers. She emphasized her genuine working-class roots; her actual track record fighting for the disadvantaged, well before she or her husband got into politics; her support and advocacy for 9/11 victims, survivors, and first responders; the idea that America is a team, and that we should pull together. These also proved effective in establishing a positive, can-do contrast to Drumpf's Thunderdome boilerplate.

HFC's speech was really just the icing on what proved to be a solid lineup, including a four-star general surrounded by over three dozen veterans and officers, and the immigrant parents of Muslim Army Captain Humayun Khan, who died in 2005 when a suicide bomber attacked his post in Iraq. National defense became an issue in this evening's proceedings, culminating in Clinton's detailed proposal to defeat ISIS, as well as a blistering reproach of Drumpf's brazen claims that he knows more about ISIS than the generals.

By presenting adult solutions to Drumpf's childish goading, Clinton managed to build a solid, consistent case against someone who should have been laughed out of the room a full year ago. Drumpf's concern-trolling of the convention all week smacked of desperation, came off as pathetic more than anything. Let me ask you something on your cherry-picked AMA, asshole:  What the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously. I mean, the man has been a jerkoff for decades, but have you ever seen someone so pathetically needy? I've literally encountered crazy homeless guys on the sidewalk who have more fucking dignity than this phony-tough guy, who has probably never been in an actual fistfight.

Philly Cheese Stank, Day 3: Getting Traction

Some solid, powerful speeches tonight, especially from Tim Kaine and Barack Obama. Kaine's mocking of Drumpf's "believe me" schtick, as the calling card of the con-man, actually seemed more authentic because Kaine, while pleasant and smart enough, does not exactly pop off the screen. (Then again, charisma is obviously a highly subjective thing -- how people can watch or listen to toads like Gingrich or Drumpf for more than two seconds is beyond me.)

The boo-birds really need to start shutting the fuck up, like now. They may not realize that they'll be the first to hit the Clownstick re-education camps, but they will be. See, middle-aged white guys like me? I can pass easily. I've spent my life around these unrepentant goat-fuckers. I know the code. I'll hate it, but I'll get by just fine in a Clownstick presidency.

Philly Cheese Stank, Day 2: Who Farted?

Cognitive dilemmas abound so far in Philly. You have the Bernie holdouts, resplendent in their anger, vowing to never vote for the she-creature. To listen to these people, you might almost be convinced that:

• There is no difference at all between HFC and the raving clown Drumpf.
• There are no other candidates at any other level running this year.

It's too bad Drumpf has poached the Stones' You Can't Always Get What You Want, because that song would be a little too on-the-nose for the last few hard-to-herd libs. Look, we get it, she's sub-optimal, not precisely what you wanted. The young holdouts have yet to learn that is exactly and always how politics works; the old hippies and Bernouts (see what I did there?) are past the point of caring anymore, as they only have a few election cycles remaining.

Now, when your own avatar, who also is past the age for selling out, grabs you by the lapels and says, "Look, motherfucker, this is how it is. Deal with it," then maybe it's time to listen. Your movement has revolved around one person, and one person only; you have failed to endorse or explain how anything will roll down to state or local levels. Who are they endorsing for Congress, for their state legislatures, etc.? No clues, but I don't even have to ask about the HFC side. Whatever else she is, she understands the whole picture, that being president doesn't matter if you're surrounded by a bunch of mouth-breathing teabaggers who refuse to work with you. Ask Hopey-Changey how that all worked out.

Philly Cheese Stank, Day 1: The Stankening

You'd think the horse-race media would at least shake up their own narrative, but that would give them too much credit. Just as last week's crapfest began with floor fighting among remaining holdouts, so the Dems' attempt at levity began with trying to tame the hostile Bernie bros. By the end of the night, things seemed to have calmed down, and by the end of the week the butt-hurt will be mostly forgotten, except with people who were probably never going to vote for HFC anyway, but look for it to be an underlying theme of commentary all week.

It was probably a good idea to get Warren and Sanders done on opening night, because despite both players' move toward comity, the fact is their central theses revolve around the theme of dire inequality and disparity. They are correct, of course, but such an argument comes directly at the expense of the structural integrity of the current and future leaders of the actual Democratic Party.