Surgeons at Our Lady Of Perpetual Straining Hospital worked on the vice president's sphincter for over three hours last night, after Cheney damaged his sigmoid colon during a rather contentious speech attacking Democrats for questioning the administration's veracity on pretty much everything.
"Apparently the vice president injured himself pulling massive amounts of rhetoric out of his ass," said Dr. Ben Dover, chief proctologist at the hospital. "Let's face it, the ass can only hold so much before it starts to distend and deform. I mean, you see some strange stuff here -- dildos, maybe the occasional rodent. But this, Jesus, he practically had a goddamned mini-storage in his ass."
When asked if the damage was permanent or life-threatening, the doctor politely demurred. "The condition is highly treatable," Dover offered, "but we believe it's symptomatic of a much deeper problem. Mr. Cheney has been pulling a great deal out of his ass for years now -- far more than medical science ever thought could be fit into there in the first place. So there is some long-term damage; you could just about park a Buick in his colon at this point. He has to remain clenched at all times just to keep his internal organs from falling out. And he sustained some severe paper cuts along the alimentary canal, as well as re-opening some scarred-over anal tissue.
"Things can eventually return to normal down there, but only if Mr. Cheney stops. He seems to be pathologically addicted to pulling shit out of his ass. I guess you could say he's a very unique type of 'crack addict'." Dover chuckled at his own mildly amusing assessment.
"The first step is for Mr. Cheney to admit that he has a problem, but as long as he keeps pulling out crap like this:
it's very difficult to offer a positive long-term prognosis. 'Good faith'? I'm surprised he didn't get struck by lightning while pulling that one out of his ass. We believe that was the one that caused the perforations near the rectum.
"All we can do is keep stitching up the paper cuts, and pray that Mr. Cheney eventually enters ass rehab. It could save his life, and it would certainly make walking and sitting more comfortable for him."