Scene from a plausible near-future:
[INT.: Set of Sunday morning circle-jerk Meet the Press.]
CHUCK TODD: Good morning, I'm Chuck Todd, and welcome to Meet the Press. Our first guest this morning is Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. Welcome, Madam Speaker.
NANCY PELOSI: Good morning, Chuck, thanks for having me on the show.
TODD: The Democratic House has demanded that the Internal Revenue Service release the last six years of Donald Trump's tax returns. Acting Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney recently indicated that that would quote "never" end-quote happen.
PELOSI: Well, that's his job, isn't it, Chuck? [Pauses a beat] Such as it is.
TODD: Trump has indicated that since he is still under audit, it would be impractical for him to release the returns.
PELOSI [smiles]: Yes, he's indicated that.
TODD: Richard Nixon released his tax returns while under audit. What would you ascribe Trump's reluctance to?
PELOSI: First of all, Chuck, he's not under audit.
TODD: How do you know that, Madam Speaker?
PELOSI: Well, I could give you the old "how do you know a lawyer is lying" joke, Chuck, but the obvious fact is that Trump has literally been clocked at lying an average of roughly twelve times every day he's been in office. This is clearly just another in an impossibly long list.
TODD: Do you have any actual evidence of that?
PELOSI: Look. The IRS rarely audits anyone in the first place, because they're chronically understaffed. And they almost never audit wealthy people, because people who are actually wealthy hire competent professionals and companies with liability insurance to do their taxes. I'm wealthy too, and I've never been audited. Why? Because I hire a CPA/EA to do my taxes for me. If he messes up and gets me audited, his company's reputation takes a serious hit. Donald Trump counts on people to seriously believe he sits there at his Louis the Nineteenth dining-room table on April 14th every year, sorting out his receipts, trying to stay one step ahead of The Man. I mean, Jesus Christ.
Finally, Chuck, Trump has been claiming to be under audit since at least 2014. I seriously doubt anyone has ever been audited for five years straight without either ending up in prison, or having to hock their house and possessions to pay back taxes, like Willie Nelson. So Trump has either done something seriously wrong and illegal, or he's, you know, lying. I'm actually giving him the benefit of the doubt here, and saying it's more likely that he's just lying.
Although there's probably some illegal stuff going on as well.
TODD: Why would he lie for so long about something like that?
PELOSI [smiles again]: Why does any man lie, Chuck? More to the point, what does every man lie about?
TODD [starting to blush]: I don't know what you mean, Madam Speaker.
PELOSI [smirking]: Of course you don't. Let me be more clear -- he's lying because, since he under-reports his taxable income and assets, because he's a chiseling scumbag, the returns will show that he's not worth anything near what he's always claimed. Not only would that be embarrassing for him, but he would then be placed in the position of not being able to amend that embarrassing low total, without then exposing himself to charges of defrauding the federal government. Which is still a crime, even for someone occupying the office of chief executive.
TODD: Oh. I was thinking you were referring to somethi....never mind.
PELOSI: Money, height, sexual prowess -- men always exaggerate, Chuck. Whether it's the size of their wallet or the size of their....equipment, they can't help themselves. But in this case, it's Trump's selling himself as a super-successful gazillionaire for decades that is his main vulnerability. For him to have to publicly admit that he's merely a cash-poor hectomillionaire, with nearly all his assets tied up in the real estate portfolio he inherited from dear ol' dad....well, that would be equivalent to dropping his pants on Fox and Friends and showing his tiny, tiny wiener.
TODD: Madam Speaker, I....
PELOSI: Look, Chuck, we come on these shows, in an endless rotation, and we pretend to say something to the people of America, but we're all just really talking to each other, right? That's how the game has always been played. I don't have an opinion on whether that's "right" or "wrong," it's just how it is. It's part of my job, and as my political career winds down and I have no aspirations to higher office, I want my current tenure as House Speaker to have a more meaningful legacy to it.
Part of that legacy is getting to the truth, and getting some sunlight on the facts. In the 2016 election, both candidates promised to release their tax returns. Hillary Clinton released thirty-three years' worth of returns. Donald Trump dodged and hedged, and ultimately reneged on that promise. He keeps saying "promises made, promises kept," and that's simply not true. The only promise he's actually kept is giving billionaires another tax cut.
Rather than get bogged down into another pedantic panel argument about truth and promises and whether they're really important or not, I think we have a responsibility -- as a co-equal branch of the US government, mind you -- to get to the bottom of why that is. There's a reason he's reneged on that promise, and there's a reason that he lies about why he "can't" release the returns.
Put it this way, Chuck -- he currently seems more concerned about keeping his tax returns from ever seeing the light of day, than he is about hiding the Mueller Report that supposedly exonerates him. Though he won't release that either, after previously promising he would, because it totally clears him.
Why do you suppose that might be, Chuck?
TODD: Well, Madam Speaker, it would be irresponsible of me as a journalist to speculate on the possible....
PELOSI: Oh, please. Cut the Walter Cronkite pose for a second and be honest -- with me, with your audience, with yourself. I didn't ask you for objective empirical fact. I asked you for your opinion, based on the things you do know have transpired these past few years, the things you have observed and mentally collected, and perhaps formed a pattern of informational reference.
Chuck, you're an adult, gainfully employed, you have a wife and kids, right?
TODD [bemused, hesitant]: Riiight....
PELOSI: You have a house or maybe a couple, you have a vehicle or maybe a couple, you had to do some adulting over the years and purchase those things. You've held a job that requires you to talk on a daily basis with people in my line of work.
TODD [still slow on the uptake]: Okay.
PELOSI: Well, we all know that politicians, at best, are a breed of, let's say, truth-stretchers. We tend to BS and finesse things a bit, sometimes things that are important, sometimes not. But someone in your line of work needs to have something of a BS detector to spot us and call us out. Wouldn't you say that's true?
TODD [puffing self-importantly a bit]: Well, yes, we pride ourselves at cutting through the usual Washington-speak and getting to the heart of the matter. I take my job seriously, and I know my colleagues do as well.
PELOSI: Well, okay then. So what does your highly-refined-from-decades-of-experience BS detector tell you, when someone -- anyone, whether it's Donald Trump or Bernie Sanders or some hedge-fund twerp who makes a living robbing banks from the inside -- what does your "journalist's intuition" tell you when some rich guy tells you that he'd love to show you his tax returns, but gee, the IRS has been auditing him for nearly a decade, and gosh, his massive, throbbing portfolio of real estate is just too complex for mere mortals to comprehend? Does that ping your detector just a little bit?
TODD: I suppose, but I --
PELOSI: Chuck, if Donald Trump had been the salesman for your wife's Audi XUV or your Hamptons vacation house, would you have bought from him?
TODD [perplexed]: Uh, no, I guess I wouldn --
PELOSI: No one in their right mind would, Chuck. And that's all Jerry Nadler and Richard Neal and the rest of us are trying to do here, is get an inspection on the house. Unfortunately, we've already bought the house, but there's an opportunity next year to back out of a bad deal, and we feel that if enough people got a look at that inspection report, they might not like what they see. Maybe they see that the house is built on a sinkhole and infested with termites.
Chuck, would you have signed on the line which is dotted if the salesman who sold you that vacation house told you that he couldn't let you and your lovely wife see that home inspection report because....well because reasons? That the house was a hundred kinds of awesome and perfect, but you were just going to have to take his word for all that?
TODD: Ummm....
PELOSI: Look, you asked why Trump would lie about being under audit, and I'll repeat my answer -- because the returns show him to be not nearly as wealthy as he claims. There's also all that undeclared bratva money he's been laundering for years, but the thing we'll see right away is how....small it all really is. So small. Like a frightened baby mouse hiding in an unkempt tuft of grass.
TODD [regaining his composure]: Thank you for your time, Madam Speaker.
PELOSI [smiling like the cat that got the cream]: Pleasure as always, Chuck.
TODD: Up next, we'll have Rudy Giuliani and Kellyanne Conway explain why we should totally believe everything that comes out of the White House. Stay tuned.
{END SCENE]
[INT.: Set of Sunday morning circle-jerk Meet the Press.]
CHUCK TODD: Good morning, I'm Chuck Todd, and welcome to Meet the Press. Our first guest this morning is Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. Welcome, Madam Speaker.
NANCY PELOSI: Good morning, Chuck, thanks for having me on the show.
TODD: The Democratic House has demanded that the Internal Revenue Service release the last six years of Donald Trump's tax returns. Acting Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney recently indicated that that would quote "never" end-quote happen.
PELOSI: Well, that's his job, isn't it, Chuck? [Pauses a beat] Such as it is.
TODD: Trump has indicated that since he is still under audit, it would be impractical for him to release the returns.
PELOSI [smiles]: Yes, he's indicated that.
TODD: Richard Nixon released his tax returns while under audit. What would you ascribe Trump's reluctance to?
PELOSI: First of all, Chuck, he's not under audit.
TODD: How do you know that, Madam Speaker?
PELOSI: Well, I could give you the old "how do you know a lawyer is lying" joke, Chuck, but the obvious fact is that Trump has literally been clocked at lying an average of roughly twelve times every day he's been in office. This is clearly just another in an impossibly long list.
TODD: Do you have any actual evidence of that?
PELOSI: Look. The IRS rarely audits anyone in the first place, because they're chronically understaffed. And they almost never audit wealthy people, because people who are actually wealthy hire competent professionals and companies with liability insurance to do their taxes. I'm wealthy too, and I've never been audited. Why? Because I hire a CPA/EA to do my taxes for me. If he messes up and gets me audited, his company's reputation takes a serious hit. Donald Trump counts on people to seriously believe he sits there at his Louis the Nineteenth dining-room table on April 14th every year, sorting out his receipts, trying to stay one step ahead of The Man. I mean, Jesus Christ.
Finally, Chuck, Trump has been claiming to be under audit since at least 2014. I seriously doubt anyone has ever been audited for five years straight without either ending up in prison, or having to hock their house and possessions to pay back taxes, like Willie Nelson. So Trump has either done something seriously wrong and illegal, or he's, you know, lying. I'm actually giving him the benefit of the doubt here, and saying it's more likely that he's just lying.
Although there's probably some illegal stuff going on as well.
TODD: Why would he lie for so long about something like that?
PELOSI [smiles again]: Why does any man lie, Chuck? More to the point, what does every man lie about?
TODD [starting to blush]: I don't know what you mean, Madam Speaker.
PELOSI [smirking]: Of course you don't. Let me be more clear -- he's lying because, since he under-reports his taxable income and assets, because he's a chiseling scumbag, the returns will show that he's not worth anything near what he's always claimed. Not only would that be embarrassing for him, but he would then be placed in the position of not being able to amend that embarrassing low total, without then exposing himself to charges of defrauding the federal government. Which is still a crime, even for someone occupying the office of chief executive.
TODD: Oh. I was thinking you were referring to somethi....never mind.
PELOSI: Money, height, sexual prowess -- men always exaggerate, Chuck. Whether it's the size of their wallet or the size of their....equipment, they can't help themselves. But in this case, it's Trump's selling himself as a super-successful gazillionaire for decades that is his main vulnerability. For him to have to publicly admit that he's merely a cash-poor hectomillionaire, with nearly all his assets tied up in the real estate portfolio he inherited from dear ol' dad....well, that would be equivalent to dropping his pants on Fox and Friends and showing his tiny, tiny wiener.
TODD: Madam Speaker, I....
PELOSI: Look, Chuck, we come on these shows, in an endless rotation, and we pretend to say something to the people of America, but we're all just really talking to each other, right? That's how the game has always been played. I don't have an opinion on whether that's "right" or "wrong," it's just how it is. It's part of my job, and as my political career winds down and I have no aspirations to higher office, I want my current tenure as House Speaker to have a more meaningful legacy to it.
Part of that legacy is getting to the truth, and getting some sunlight on the facts. In the 2016 election, both candidates promised to release their tax returns. Hillary Clinton released thirty-three years' worth of returns. Donald Trump dodged and hedged, and ultimately reneged on that promise. He keeps saying "promises made, promises kept," and that's simply not true. The only promise he's actually kept is giving billionaires another tax cut.
Rather than get bogged down into another pedantic panel argument about truth and promises and whether they're really important or not, I think we have a responsibility -- as a co-equal branch of the US government, mind you -- to get to the bottom of why that is. There's a reason he's reneged on that promise, and there's a reason that he lies about why he "can't" release the returns.
Put it this way, Chuck -- he currently seems more concerned about keeping his tax returns from ever seeing the light of day, than he is about hiding the Mueller Report that supposedly exonerates him. Though he won't release that either, after previously promising he would, because it totally clears him.
Why do you suppose that might be, Chuck?
TODD: Well, Madam Speaker, it would be irresponsible of me as a journalist to speculate on the possible....
PELOSI: Oh, please. Cut the Walter Cronkite pose for a second and be honest -- with me, with your audience, with yourself. I didn't ask you for objective empirical fact. I asked you for your opinion, based on the things you do know have transpired these past few years, the things you have observed and mentally collected, and perhaps formed a pattern of informational reference.
Chuck, you're an adult, gainfully employed, you have a wife and kids, right?
TODD [bemused, hesitant]: Riiight....
PELOSI: You have a house or maybe a couple, you have a vehicle or maybe a couple, you had to do some adulting over the years and purchase those things. You've held a job that requires you to talk on a daily basis with people in my line of work.
TODD [still slow on the uptake]: Okay.
PELOSI: Well, we all know that politicians, at best, are a breed of, let's say, truth-stretchers. We tend to BS and finesse things a bit, sometimes things that are important, sometimes not. But someone in your line of work needs to have something of a BS detector to spot us and call us out. Wouldn't you say that's true?
TODD [puffing self-importantly a bit]: Well, yes, we pride ourselves at cutting through the usual Washington-speak and getting to the heart of the matter. I take my job seriously, and I know my colleagues do as well.
PELOSI: Well, okay then. So what does your highly-refined-from-decades-of-experience BS detector tell you, when someone -- anyone, whether it's Donald Trump or Bernie Sanders or some hedge-fund twerp who makes a living robbing banks from the inside -- what does your "journalist's intuition" tell you when some rich guy tells you that he'd love to show you his tax returns, but gee, the IRS has been auditing him for nearly a decade, and gosh, his massive, throbbing portfolio of real estate is just too complex for mere mortals to comprehend? Does that ping your detector just a little bit?
TODD: I suppose, but I --
PELOSI: Chuck, if Donald Trump had been the salesman for your wife's Audi XUV or your Hamptons vacation house, would you have bought from him?
TODD [perplexed]: Uh, no, I guess I wouldn --
PELOSI: No one in their right mind would, Chuck. And that's all Jerry Nadler and Richard Neal and the rest of us are trying to do here, is get an inspection on the house. Unfortunately, we've already bought the house, but there's an opportunity next year to back out of a bad deal, and we feel that if enough people got a look at that inspection report, they might not like what they see. Maybe they see that the house is built on a sinkhole and infested with termites.
Chuck, would you have signed on the line which is dotted if the salesman who sold you that vacation house told you that he couldn't let you and your lovely wife see that home inspection report because....well because reasons? That the house was a hundred kinds of awesome and perfect, but you were just going to have to take his word for all that?
TODD: Ummm....
PELOSI: Look, you asked why Trump would lie about being under audit, and I'll repeat my answer -- because the returns show him to be not nearly as wealthy as he claims. There's also all that undeclared bratva money he's been laundering for years, but the thing we'll see right away is how....small it all really is. So small. Like a frightened baby mouse hiding in an unkempt tuft of grass.
TODD [regaining his composure]: Thank you for your time, Madam Speaker.
PELOSI [smiling like the cat that got the cream]: Pleasure as always, Chuck.
TODD: Up next, we'll have Rudy Giuliani and Kellyanne Conway explain why we should totally believe everything that comes out of the White House. Stay tuned.
{END SCENE]
2 comments:
Damn. Genius. Sheer genius, Heywood.
Outstanding. Keep rockin' the planet.
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