Priorities

I don't think these people will be truly happy until they get what they're preparing for.

The Associated Press began preparing Britney Spears’ obituary within the past month, Usmagazine.com has learned.

"We are not wishing it, but if Britney passed away, it’s easily one of the biggest stories in a long time," AP entertainment editor Jesse Washington tells Us.

"I think one would agree that Britney seems at risk right now," Washington adds. "Of course, we would never wish any type of misfortune on anybody and hope that we would never have to use it until 50 years from now…but if something were to happen, we would have to be prepared."

These people are pathological. It's one thing to be a celebrity ass-sniffer, and maintain the pretense that you're a "reporter" or a "journalist". Whatever. Most people have to lie to themselves about something, somewhere along the line. But these guys are basically hounding this girl, writing almost wishfully about the likelihood of her killing herself in some instances.

Perhaps they will get their wish, and then they can spend the next year telling us how tragic it all is, that they harassed to death someone who clearly wasn't emotionally equipped to handle it. Who knows, maybe a couple of them will have the presence of mind to follow suit. There is just something fundamentally indecent about a person who enthusiastically prepares an obituary for a 25-year-old ahead of time, especially during a week in which another hard-living 25-year-old, one with some actual talent, exited far too early. As far as "jobs" go, there's more dignity in shoveling elephant shit while wearing clown shoes and speedos and a rainbow afro wig.

News You Can Lose

One benefit of being out of the proverbial loop for a weekend is coming back and having to wonder momentarily what the hell this happy horseshit even means. Of course it means exactly what it says, yet when the people involved and "story" described are parsed, it all becomes both inscrutable and ineffable, utterly opaque yet somehow pellucid, a meta-Rosetta for a diseased, debauched celebrity death cult. Whatever happened to the good old days when Frank Sinatra banged cocktail waitresses and insulted the maître d'?

Consider briefly the primary characters in this scenario:

• Britney Spears -- Popularly known as a "singer", yet apparently never actually "sings" without renting high-dollar teams of songwriters and producers, and running it all through Pro Tools. There is no evidence that Spears even listens to music, much less actually writes and performs it. Say what you want about the hippie chick with the out-of-tune acoustic at your local Coffee Hut, at least she's trying something; there is a solid chance that Spears literally does not know which end of a guitar is up.
  
  Distinguishing characteristics: exploitive childhood has predictably curdled into an adult swamp of mindless, unsexy exhibitionism and narcissism. Somehow managed to make a skeevy moron like Kevin Federline look like the responsible parent with her indifferent, borderline sociopathic approach to parenting. Future choices include becoming a plush toy for some doddering oil baron, or robbing liquor stores. Either way massive amounts of barbiturates will be involved. Some people may regard Dana Plato as a cautionary tale; others as a role model. Spears has apparently confounded either perception by genuinely not even having heard of poor Dana.



• Phil McGraw -- Still not licensed to practice psychology. Got his big break as a jury consultant back when Oprah crossed the Texas beef mafia. Differs from Jerry Springer mostly incrementally. Springer's smug leer seemed to intimate that, even in the guise of dispensing advice, he probably wouldn't say no if one of his toothless retard guests offered him a blowjob. Dr. Phil seems to get more of a rush telling his slightly more upscale morons that they're morons, appears genuinely perplexed that, being self-destructive morons, they have no common sense, but still thinks he's helping them, rather than validating their self-esteem and impulse-control issues. Probably has more in common with his Muppet doppelgänger than he cares to admit.



The muppet has his own series of diet and parenting books out this spring.


• Scenario -- Spears' parents, who seem to have moseyed semi-upright from Al Capp's imagination, seriously thought it'd be a good idea to have a self-promoting teevee shrink visit their dysfunctional daughter in the hospital, and that he'd keep his piehole shut. Here's the thing, and even the Spearses should realize this -- there are plenty of actual therapists out there who might have a chance to help their daughter without making a circus out of it; however, given that she's neither intellectually nor emotionally equipped to get out of what she's gotten herself into, it's highly unlikely. But it was never going to happen with Dr. Phil. Seriously, do these people think they're supposed to call Bob Vila to re-roof their fuckin' house? What's wrong with them?

Anyway, more briefly -- a "singer" who does not actually sing is supposed to enter into therapy with a pop shrink who is not actually licensed, commissioned by her idiot parents who, if they really wanted to help her, would have done so a long time ago. And the "news" is that the whole thing got called off.

Is there a more perfect metaphor for the heavily-dimpled adipose tissue that is American culture/media/society?

Sister Act

Are they trying to affirm every snarky stereotype about churchgoing Southerners? Christ, I hope at least this baby-daddy isn't an aspiring Vanilla Ice type.

And, you know, too bad about Mama Spears' parentin' book being "put on hold" in response to the blessed event. The entertainment value of seeing who was planning on shelling out money for such a thing would have been worth the price of the marketing campaign. Instead, both her daughters are competing for tabloid space for the foreseeable future, the youngest having pre-sold the first photos of the next rugrat for a reported million dollars.

When the aliens finally land, we'll make great pets.