Lawyers, Guns, And Money

You know the rules only apply on the witness stand
And you never get in trouble if you stick with your plan....
-- Corrosion of Conformity, Heaven's Not Overflowing (1994)

I can't help but almost be charmed by the insouciant hectoring of the media, at yet another episode of Dick Cheney being....well, himself. He has never been anything but predictable: joyless, taciturn, curmudgeonly, stingy with even expository facts that everyone already knows. Yet the media are very upset, because he has once again told them to fuck themselves.

Why, by Wednesday a casual observer might have supposed that there might even be something approaching modest rebellion, that the lot of the media might actually grow some spine and march en masse out of the hamster McClellan's next assault upon sensibility and the English language. Alas, it was not to be so. I, for one, am shocked. And here they pretended quite vociferously that they might actually protest, that they might finally be ready to tell Big Time to his pinched, twisted face that They Would Not Take Any More Of His Shit.

But that was a couple days ago, and times they have a-changed since then. Cheney's blasting of an old man's face with birdshot has already -- in less than a week -- made the jump to cultural cliche/national joke. The only way it could have ended any differently is if Harry Whittington had died. Even then, who knows? This administration has made an art form out of demonstrating its clear contempt for the country, its citizens, its laws, its principles. It has been remarkably consistent in this pursuit, and it has gotten away with it quite well. Why change a good thing?

And now Whittington himself steps forward to absolve Big Time from his non-crime, and indeed practically beg abject contrition for his sin of standing within the scatter range, proving once again the old adage that there's no fool like an old fool. S'alright, Harry, just see that you don't embarrass Mister Man ever again. Now go get your fuckin' shine box.

So Whittington, already a longtime flunky of the Bush regime since he was just fucking up Texas, has done his part. And the media have done theirs. They wait patiently for Cheney and friends to give them a handle, instead of finding one themselves, and just grabbing and yanking with all their might. That has been their problem all along -- they keep waiting for help from the people they're supposed to be investigating. Jesus Christ. Why don't you just ask Robert Blake for dating tips while you're at it?

Cheney has always been a scowling, venomous presence, in whatever governmental capacity he has metastasized. He skulks about in a cloak of secrecy, secure in the knowledge that no matter how much the nattering nabobs of the Washington press corps bitch and moan, they'll still end up doing half the work for him.

All it would take is the group departure from just one press conference, as I described earlier. Surely this is not so much to accomplish, even for the most overfed of herd animals. Leave the Hamster alone with that crazy fuck Les Kinsolving for the press briefing; let that be the story. Maybe just one of you punks, while wondering aloud why Cheney took 18 hours to have the ranch owner (also a Bush flunky) call the media, why he took almost four days to speak publicly (and then to yet another flunky from a network of flunkies), could also wonder aloud why anyone should be surprised at all by this seemingly insensitive behavior.

We are, after all, talking about a man who took nearly a full week to cut his fly-fishing trip short after an American city was destroyed in the greatest natural disaster to hit this nation. Is there something we have missed here? Is there some misunderstanding as to how Richard Bruce Cheney has always operated -- and more importantly, will always operate? The man is as predictable as Michael Jackson at a Boy Scout Jamboree -- he has already spent the last 30+ years drawing the diagram for you.

All that is required of you, o guardians of the free press, is to report the clear and obvious facts that are already known to those who have been paying attention the whole time. And perhaps show, instead of meekly tell, the liars that you won't just sit there and faithfully stenograph their bullshit anymore. Is that so damned hard?