Sunday, November 01, 2009

A Modest Proposal

The bigger the cap, the bigger the pillin',
Who gives a fuck about a punk-ass villain? -- Ice Cube, No Vaseline

What you have here is your classic 80/20 (or even 90/10) scenario -- the majority of the problems emanate from a minority of the group. This is not in dispute by most reasonable people. What may be in dispute is what to do about that minority. I have an idea.

The notion that something like this can even be polemically perceived as "inevitable" (or "nearly inevitable") does a tremendous disservice to the vast majority of people who just want to live their lives, go to school, raise their families, and all that. It's only "inevitable" if you're too much of a fucking loser to take advantage of that free (however flawed) state edumacation and work toward being useful.

Blaming it on the factors of aggressive music and video games is the sucka's way out. It's a hard-knock life pretty much everywhere, asshole. I went through the violent movies/music/games phase like everyone else back in the day, and somehow managed to avoid pulling a train on a drunk girl on a public bench. You're welcome, America.

The teens (it seems too much to call them "kids", even though they are chronologically young) who committed this act are going to be tried as adults, and rightly so. They will probably face sentences of roughly 20 years, give or take. Me, I think we'd be doing these punks and the world a huge fucking favor by just taking them round back and ending them, quickly and painlessly.

Nothing personal, boys, but we're trying to at least pretend to have a civilization here, and with all the state-funded options available to every card-carrying dipshit out there, you don't have to make full use of those options, but when you abuse the weak and helpless, well, fuck you. There are already too many people cluttering up the planet; it does not make sense to put up with people who cannot abide by the most basic of social mores.

But more pragmatically, here is my actual idea: what if we offer to cut that prospective 20-year sentence in half -- provided they first go to Planned Parenthood and get snipped? Which is more likely -- the world being robbed of their potentially illustrious progeny by such a tactic, or society being spared the bullshit of caring for their miserable, abused seed? Statistically it's far and away the latter. So why not give prisoners a new lease on life to just cut bait, why not bribe a crackhead whore with four kids she doesn't take care of to tie her fucking polluted tubes? There are people who have kids who shouldn't have a goddamned goldfish for a pet. Why exactly am I supposed to pay for their poor impulse control?

Enough is enough. I'm a utilitarian at heart, and I think there are creative, fairly non-coercive ways to incentivize the cessation of perpetually aggrieved morons. Let's at least take a step toward alleviating the truly "inevitable" idiocracy. Anytime you call a gang-rape at a homecoming dance "nearly inevitable", you've given up, period. I'd like to drown these motherfuckers in a shallow bucket, but I'd settle for them not reproducing.


Anonymous said...

Two words. Running Man.

Sharkbabe said...

Fuck sterilize. Some people need killin.

And I mean that in a caring way. [/dame edna voice]

Anyway, there's too many of us all-devouring humans on the planet, even those spawned by non-braindead-thug-cretins.

Anonymous said...

Thanks. You're right. I've gotten to the point of being sick of it whenever shit like this happens (and here in Philly, it happens often enough) and we are urged to remember that the perpetrators "are victims too". Agreed, but it has to stop somewhere, and the sterilization idea is one way to stop the bleeding.