Ann Coulter's Def Comedy Jam

America's favorite plagiarizing fabulist she-male is back in top form:

March 3, 2007 | WASHINGTON -- The Ann Coulter presidential primary ended on Friday, before an oversold crowd of Republican college kids and conservative activists in a basement hotel conference room. She had just finished doing her incendiary stand-up act, joking that Al Gore was fat ("Did Al Gore actually swallow Michael Moore?"), that Bill Clinton was the first black president ("half white, half trash") and that John Edwards was a "faggot."

I've been hearing a lot of "Al Gore is fat" jokes lately. The only one that was genuinely funny was Jon Stewart's ("Here's an inconvenient truth -- cake is not a food group."), which is far more self-deprecating and critical than you will ever hear these conservatives authoritarians get on their own people. Dennis Hastert looks like he could swallow Gore and Moore simultaneously, and still have room left over for a plate of buttermilk biscuits smothered in gravy made from the bones of Mark Foley's pages. But Al Gore is fat. Right.

The Clinton "joke" actually makes no sense, unless Coulter is logically imputing that "black" = "white trash", or that even bringing up "white trash" would be considered acceptable in a crowd made up mostly of that exact renewable substance. And John Edwards is a "faggot" now. Probably because he was one of those much-maligned trial lawyers; though Coulter also has a law degree, she's chosen to apply it thusly, much to the relief of law firms who would otherwise have to put up with her incompetent bluster. The difference is that Edwards performed actual work, which is a different thing entirely than assuming that the demented scribblings one makes on cocktail napkins during a pub crawl can be turned into "books" and "jokes".

What I have never gotten about Coulter and her many defenders is this -- they always default to the trope that she's "joking", that when she is invited to a "news" program, or a "serious" political conference, these things she says are just "humorous polemics". Well, no. They are neither humorous, nor polemic. Saying that 9/11 widows are gold-digging hussies -- not funny, no actual point. Ditto the wishful poisoning of John Paul Stevens. The list goes on and on. This is not Swiftian satire; these are third-rate japes beneath most hack comics.

Like I said, I can find humor in comments directed at my own side, if they're funny. But shit, Coulter's brand of "humor" really doesn't even make sense. John Edwards is a "faggot". I honestly can't find the funny. Are we in fourth grade or something? I just hope Phyllis Schlafly, whose son actually is a "faggot", was present, not that she would care.

Oh, wait. It is the carny convention, after all. Guess I answered my own question. But perhaps our serious librul media could start keeping these little Tourette's episodes (which happen with alarming regularity) in mind, before asking Miss Thang to contribute "serious" commentary on their stupid fucking infotainment shows. Relegating her to the Fox Network, the broadcast equivalent of a sandwich board on a sidewalk denizen, should be the first recourse for sensible people. This toxic cunt has poisoned the debate pool for long enough; send her back to clown college already.

[Update: Edwards has responded, in half-assed fashion, and Coulter counter-responded predictably enough:

Mr. Edwards’s aides responded with an e-mail message that attacked Ms. Coulter and urged supporters to donate to Mr. Edwards’s campaign. “John was singled out for a personal attack because the Republican establishment knows he poses the greatest threat to their power,” said his campaign manager, David E. Bonior. “Since they have nothing real to use against him, Coulter’s resorting to the classic right-wing strategy of riling up hate to smear a progressive champion.”

Ms. Coulter, asked for a reaction to the Republican criticism, said in an e-mail message: “C’mon, it was a joke. I would never insult gays by suggesting that they are like John Edwards. That would be mean.”

Oh ho. Teh fun-nay. Did not see that one coming up the road. Look, Edwards' mistake here is in making this about himself and thinking it's an opportunity to drum up some coin. Big picture, boys. Coulter is a cheap rabble-rouser, and nothing is beneath her, and her track record speaks loudly and clearly. This could be a real opportunity to put one of the most vile demagogues out there back on the lunatic fringe, where she belongs.

And you don't do that by saying "poor wittle me", you do that by drawing attention to her entire body of work, and entreatying the bloodsucking media vampires that keep her afloat with constant appearances to marginalize this sort of bullshit, period. In effect, you further marginalize the asshole morons who crowded in to watch her stand-up act, and go out and buy her "books". Recognize the enemy when they're in your face, boys; marginalize them and claim some of their accessible turf as they retreat. Read some fucking Sun Tzu already.

Even better, make a joke out of it in return. Get in front of a camera and start riffing. "Faggot? I don't get it. Is this what conservatives consider humorous? Perhaps someone could explain it to me, as soon as they're done studiously ignoring Dick Cheney's donut-bumping daughter." Maybe not in so many words, obviously, but you get the idea. Seriously, a deft, concise press conference could put not just Coulter but the entire conference on their heels, scuttling for the safety of their rocks as the sunlight fries their exoskeletons. It's all in the phrasing. Start by asking plainly and sincerely why exactly anyone there would have found that funny, and watch some magic happen.

Perhaps even more frustrating is that Romney, Giuliani, and McCain (who wasn't even at the sideshow) all made short work of repudiating Coulter's comments, which would have made possible a more forceful response from Edwards, further delegitimizing the CPAC itself. Money is important, but so is reclaiming the sphere of ideas, a necessary part of which is marginalizing people like Coulter. This is a chance to capitalize on that principle. Take another stab at it, ladies.]

[Update #2: Here's an e-mail list of advertisers who sponsor Coulter's website, poached from a commenter at John Edwards' campaign blog.

jonathan.atack@ing.com, boris.dunne@ing.com, ronald.h.lataille@verizon, contact.community@wachovia.com, investor.relations@bankofamerica.com, info@overstock.com, investor.relations@yahoo.com, investor.relations@universalstudios.com, jheinz@gannett.com, (gannett is usatoday) info@yellowpages.com, info@monster.com, info@ulta.com

And some media e-mails:

netaudr@abc.com, nightline@abcnews.com, 2020@abc.com, evening@cbsnews.com, earlyshow@cbs.com, oreilly@foxnews.com, hannity@foxnews.com, colmes@foxnews.com, today@nbc.com, hardball@msnbc.com, msnbcreports@msnbc.com, ombudsman@npr.org, nytnews@nytimes.com, ombudsman@washpost.com, info@ap.org, tips@upi.com

I'm as First Amendment as they come, and I think that's obvious, but I am not going to get hung up on some esoteric ACLU/Skokie bullshit here. Coulter has never added anything to any serious debate, not even in the guise of "humor", and she makes way too much money and gets far too much publicity doing it. She and her scumbag ilk are never going to be intellectually honest about anything. They are where they are because that's where the money is. Maybe it's time to change that; maybe she's gotten away with her revolting schtick for long enough.]