Saturday, March 10, 2007

Master Debaters

So it appears that the Great Debate that was to come on Faux News will never pass. The Nevada Democratic Party was encouraged to retrieve its addled wits after yet another idiotic Osama-Obama "joke" this time by Faux's own president, Roger Ailes, who decided to take a much-needed break from spelunking Rush Limbaugh's ass to drop teh funny bombs. Better late than never, one supposes.

Still, you'd hope that at this late date, people would start understanding the very fundamental concept that there is infinitely more potential upside in cultivating niche markets of non-voters than genuflecting to the far right, vainly hoping to peel away precious slivers here and there from people who viscerally loathe them, because they viscerally loathe themselves.

Already John Edwards had refused to participate in this dog-and-pony show, and it would only have been a matter of time before Obama would have said "fuck it"; these apes have had their little name game for quite long enough, and Obama presumably has his pride.

Anyway, one trenchant observer who knew beforehand why Edwards really dropped out is the one and only Virgin Ben:

Edwards is running scared. Because he's running scared, he's running left. Soon he'll be infringing on Dennis "I've Got No Strings" Kucinich territory.

Edwards hopes to gain votes by outflanking Clinton and Obama. If he can solidify the netroots crowd — the Daily Kosians who despise Fox News' conservative bias more than Al Jazeera's pro-terrorist bias — he may precipitate a groundswell of Huffington Post support.

Yeah, that's what it is, buddy. You just keep telling yourself that, while you flip a coin between Saint McCain and Mrs. Doubtfire Rudy Giuliani. Meanwhile, the rest of us will be clearing our heads with regular infusions of nasty, sweaty, gland-pumping [Grampa Simpson voice] seeeexxx!!1!1!! Haven't you seen the Seinfeld where they give up sex, dude? George becomes the smart one. That should be a clue.

I know, I know. The guy has made a lifestyle choice, and I am being mean and hypocritical by not respecting and embracing it. I mean, they're all virgins by choice, right?

Actually, I can afford to be an asshole about this issue, because I know what pussy feels like. Oh no I di'unt!

Which isn't to say that Edwards' newfound repugnance for Fox News won't win him some supporters. Radical left organization MoveOn Civil Action has already embraced Edwards' newfound hatred of Fox News. "The Fox debate should just be canceled and a more legitimate news source should be found," says Adam Green, MoveOn Civil Action's spokesperson. "[The debate is] a lame proposal that would have multiple Fox personalities joined by one lone Air America panelist. That's a rigged, unfair and unbalanced debate."

Yet, for some strange reason, both Clinton and Obama are considering attending the debate. If Fox News is the cable news right-wing Satan, why would such liberal luminaries even consider sitting on the same stage as a Fox News moderator?

Because they still think there's some sort of magical upside to reaching out to the armchair troglodytes who watch Bill O'Reilly. Look, asshole, you want people to take your toy network seriously, how about just making it less stupid. Not "more liberal", not "less conservative", but just figure out a stupid quota and keep within it for a change. Pound for pound, the only "news" network with a comparable concentration of stupid is the laughably-named Headline News Network, the numbers of which are artificially skewed by the chins on the back of Nancy Grace's neck.

There is no debate because Fox does not even brook the pretense of seriousness. There is no need to have a serious debate on Fox, because they wouldn't know what to do with it.

And Roger Ailes (the Limbaugh ass-spelunker, not the cool one on my blogroll) deserves some credit for making this abundantly clear so early in this already too-long campaign season.

[Special credit also to ABC for having a sidebar link to ClownHall's stable of goobers, one of which I will profile later tonight. Real fuckin' feather in yer cap, fellas.]


john lenin said...

People like Ben are mainly attracted to virginity as a defining characteristic for the opportunity it provides them to look down their nose at all of us swine luxuriating in the pleasures of the flesh. If being a virgin by choice meant you weren't allowed to broadcast that fact to anyone within earshot, I doubt many of them would keep at it for longer than it took to find the nearest hooker or docile barnyard animal.

the very fundamental concept that there is infinitely more potential upside in cultivating niche markets of non-voters than genuflecting to the far right

Now why would we want to start making inroads into that fifty or so percent of non-voters when it's so much easier to thanksralph!? (I love whoever first thought to use that as a verb.)

Heywood J. said...

That's a good point. If they couldn't brag about it (snort), there'd be no upside to it.

I've never seen that thanksralph used as a verb before. That's pretty damned cool.