10. Hates the itching, but kinda digs the swelling.
9. Say the words "water boarding" or "nipple clamps", and a logjam forms in Cheney's pants.
8. Knows first-hand what the most dangerous game really is: wolverines. Reputedly bitch-slapped Fredo for saying "Parcheesi".
7. Punishment for insubordinate underlings is to change the big man's diaper for a week, and don't skimp on the Gold Bond, you ungrateful little fuck.
6. Keeps a Rolodex of Tony Snow's mostly-leather spank bank in the office safe, just in case ol' Snowblower gets any wise ideas.
5. Even when he's too old to recall what he had for breakfast that day, he'll never forget that magical lost weekend with Ann Coulter and Combover Tony Scalia, a heady brew of animal lust, absinthe, and freshly-harvested puppy blood. Good times.
4. "Pacemaker" actually a remote-control rheostat to monitor and calibrate the lowjack implanted in the base of Bush's skull. Clearly, it's working like a fucking charm.
3. After he told Pat Leahy to go fuck himself, he seriously thought about head-butting him, biting off a chunk of ear, and turning to the rest of the room, trophy hanging from his red, foaming maw, "Okay, who else wants a fuckin' piece of me?"
2. Shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. And that was after he shot Harry Whittington in that canned hunt.
1. Knows that as long as he has professional nitwits like that fucktard Goldberg on his side, defending him with the usual incoherent flatulence, he can keep trashing the country with his incompetence, his megalomanical secrecy, his ridiculous excuses, and most of all, his abiding, utter contempt for the principles of democracy and the Constitution. And if we don't do anything about it, maybe we deserve it. Hey, look, Paris Hilton picked her nose again!
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