10. Eight-minute "human beat box" rendition of God Bless America lulled them into stupor.
9. Defensive coordinator scheduled meeting on covering Santonio Holmes for next Monday.
8. Everyone but Leinart disillusioned by Michael Phelps' bong photo.
7. Edgerrin James' incessant whistling of 10th Avenue Freeze Out in the huddle after halftime show disrupted second-half offense.
6. Troy Polamalu's habit of praying and crossing himself every fifteen seconds actually got the Big Guy's attention.
5. Thought appeal to feds for fourth-quarter bailout would go through without earmarks or personal-foul penalties.
4. Crazy octuplet woman had players cracking Travis Henry jokes.
3. Kurt Warner's manic giggling every time the announcer said "Breaston".
2. Larry Fitzgerald doesn't play defensive back. Then again, neither do Arizona's DBs.
1. Setting stage for triumphant return to big game in 2069.
Showing posts with label top ten lists. Show all posts
Showing posts with label top ten lists. Show all posts
Monday, February 02, 2009
Monday, December 31, 2007
Top Ten New Year's Resolutions
10. Lindsay Lohan (and Mischa Barton, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, ad nauseam) -- Call a taxi.
9. Rudy Giuliani -- Size zero sequined number by Memorial Day, come hell or high fugly.
8. Mitt Romney -- Remember to change lithium-ion batteries in face-plate along with the smoke detectors, during switch-back to Daylight Savings Time.
7. Hillary Clinton -- Ask around for ideas, pick resolution that focus-groups best with sensible centrists and Village idiots.
6. Barack Obama -- Bring people of all nations, creeds, colors, and lifestyles together under magnetic charisma and happy-talk, then get each one of them to kick down fifty bucks for a nice juicer. Buy tropical island.
5. Sherri Shepherd -- Explain frantically to bozos in audience how Jeebus was around before gravity and thermodynamics, which made getting around in those days interesting to say the least. Offer to take bozos on field trip to Creation Museum.
4. Fred Thompson -- Give wife's tits a good squeeze, scratch and fart a bit, then laze into 800th iteration about how it's better to elect a president by voting for someone who acts like he has better things to do.
3. Corporate media -- Stay housebroken.
2. Richard Bruce Cheney -- Try to find a little "me" time, explore rejuvenative properties of bathing in puppy blood. Have Constitution reprinted in two-ply for executive bathroom.
1. George Walker Bush -- Get NotJenna to show him where Pakistan is on a map.
Special Hammer of the Blogs bonus resolutions:
9. Rudy Giuliani -- Size zero sequined number by Memorial Day, come hell or high fugly.
8. Mitt Romney -- Remember to change lithium-ion batteries in face-plate along with the smoke detectors, during switch-back to Daylight Savings Time.
7. Hillary Clinton -- Ask around for ideas, pick resolution that focus-groups best with sensible centrists and Village idiots.
6. Barack Obama -- Bring people of all nations, creeds, colors, and lifestyles together under magnetic charisma and happy-talk, then get each one of them to kick down fifty bucks for a nice juicer. Buy tropical island.
5. Sherri Shepherd -- Explain frantically to bozos in audience how Jeebus was around before gravity and thermodynamics, which made getting around in those days interesting to say the least. Offer to take bozos on field trip to Creation Museum.
4. Fred Thompson -- Give wife's tits a good squeeze, scratch and fart a bit, then laze into 800th iteration about how it's better to elect a president by voting for someone who acts like he has better things to do.
3. Corporate media -- Stay housebroken.
2. Richard Bruce Cheney -- Try to find a little "me" time, explore rejuvenative properties of bathing in puppy blood. Have Constitution reprinted in two-ply for executive bathroom.
1. George Walker Bush -- Get NotJenna to show him where Pakistan is on a map.
Special Hammer of the Blogs bonus resolutions:
- Larry Craig -- More cock, this time at county fair glory hole.
- Billy Kristol -- Other side of glory hole.
- Britney Spears -- Think seriously about getting tubes tied. Share taxi with moron coke-whore friends. Start fashion trend by painting smiley-faces on cankles.
- Mike Huckabee -- Appoint son as head of security team. Continue insisting that grampa warn't no monkey, even though one look at progeny proves otherwise. Re-stock on snake oil for general campaign.
- Tom Brady -- Upgrade from Bobcat to Caterpillar D8 to retrieve ginormous piles of money and/or pussy. Share some of each with teammates, coaches, and helpful refs. Prepare for inevitable downfall caused by unrealistic expectations and excessive repetitions of that damned Dropkick Murphys song from The Departed.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Top Ten Rudy Giuliani Dating Tips
10. Refer to wife as "that other broad I been tryin' to lose".
9. Don't be shy about experimenting with combover styles.
8. Masturbate behind podium at next values-voter debate. Dare them to stop you. Who's the king? You're the king, baby!
7. Steam-clean the City Hall casting couch at least once a month or so, before you start sticking to it.
6. Make sure your date looks better in a dress and makeup than you do. This is not as easy as it may seem, if you rock the Carol Channing look as hard as Rudy does. Rrrrroowwwrrr!
5. Never pay for sex, if you can get the taxpayers to foot the bill.
4. Tell her that if she doesn't put out, the terrorists win.
3. Two rules for double-dating with Fat Bernie -- go dutch, and make sure he leaves that sweater at home.
Jesus. Did he get a free bottle of Old Spice with that thing? Everyone knows that made men are supposed to wear suits.
2. It's not really pity sex if they're afraid of you.
1. Trust me on this -- if Ed Koch asks you if you want "a ride in the Lincoln Tunnel", say no.
Fun Bonus Tip: If you have a hot cousin -- or even a mediocre-looking one -- give her a call. It's a good place to start for the first marriage, what with the common ground and all.
9. Don't be shy about experimenting with combover styles.
8. Masturbate behind podium at next values-voter debate. Dare them to stop you. Who's the king? You're the king, baby!
7. Steam-clean the City Hall casting couch at least once a month or so, before you start sticking to it.
6. Make sure your date looks better in a dress and makeup than you do. This is not as easy as it may seem, if you rock the Carol Channing look as hard as Rudy does. Rrrrroowwwrrr!
5. Never pay for sex, if you can get the taxpayers to foot the bill.
4. Tell her that if she doesn't put out, the terrorists win.
3. Two rules for double-dating with Fat Bernie -- go dutch, and make sure he leaves that sweater at home.
Jesus. Did he get a free bottle of Old Spice with that thing? Everyone knows that made men are supposed to wear suits.
2. It's not really pity sex if they're afraid of you.
1. Trust me on this -- if Ed Koch asks you if you want "a ride in the Lincoln Tunnel", say no.
Fun Bonus Tip: If you have a hot cousin -- or even a mediocre-looking one -- give her a call. It's a good place to start for the first marriage, what with the common ground and all.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Top Ten Questions at the Values Voter Debate
Sounds like a good time.
10. "Which one of you guys promises to take that smutty Singing Bee off the air?"
9. "How do you plan on being as fundamentally indecent as the current occupants?"
8. "I don't have a question; I just wanted to let you all know that I'll probably vote for whoever picks that Sarah Palin as a running mate."
7. "Who do you think God wants us to nuke first, Iran or France?"
6. "My son wet the bed again while his Ten Commandments sheets were on. Does he need more Jesus Camp to wash away his yellow sin?"
5. "It's not gay if it's a chick sheep, right?"
4. "Paula Abdul -- temptress or antichrist?"
3. "If the Lord didn't want me to periodically grind my loins against the TV screen, then why did He make John Gibson so steamy and hunkalicious?"
2. "Is that Mary Matalin giving Fred Thompson a lap dance?"
1. "When you find yourself at a moral crossroads, do you ask yourself, "What would Les Kinsolving do?"
10. "Which one of you guys promises to take that smutty Singing Bee off the air?"
9. "How do you plan on being as fundamentally indecent as the current occupants?"
8. "I don't have a question; I just wanted to let you all know that I'll probably vote for whoever picks that Sarah Palin as a running mate."
7. "Who do you think God wants us to nuke first, Iran or France?"
6. "My son wet the bed again while his Ten Commandments sheets were on. Does he need more Jesus Camp to wash away his yellow sin?"
5. "It's not gay if it's a chick sheep, right?"
4. "Paula Abdul -- temptress or antichrist?"
3. "If the Lord didn't want me to periodically grind my loins against the TV screen, then why did He make John Gibson so steamy and hunkalicious?"
2. "Is that Mary Matalin giving Fred Thompson a lap dance?"
1. "When you find yourself at a moral crossroads, do you ask yourself, "What would Les Kinsolving do?"
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Top Ten Other Dick Cheney Secrets
10. Hates the itching, but kinda digs the swelling.
9. Say the words "water boarding" or "nipple clamps", and a logjam forms in Cheney's pants.
8. Knows first-hand what the most dangerous game really is: wolverines. Reputedly bitch-slapped Fredo for saying "Parcheesi".
7. Punishment for insubordinate underlings is to change the big man's diaper for a week, and don't skimp on the Gold Bond, you ungrateful little fuck.
6. Keeps a Rolodex of Tony Snow's mostly-leather spank bank in the office safe, just in case ol' Snowblower gets any wise ideas.
5. Even when he's too old to recall what he had for breakfast that day, he'll never forget that magical lost weekend with Ann Coulter and Combover Tony Scalia, a heady brew of animal lust, absinthe, and freshly-harvested puppy blood. Good times.
4. "Pacemaker" actually a remote-control rheostat to monitor and calibrate the lowjack implanted in the base of Bush's skull. Clearly, it's working like a fucking charm.
3. After he told Pat Leahy to go fuck himself, he seriously thought about head-butting him, biting off a chunk of ear, and turning to the rest of the room, trophy hanging from his red, foaming maw, "Okay, who else wants a fuckin' piece of me?"
2. Shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. And that was after he shot Harry Whittington in that canned hunt.
1. Knows that as long as he has professional nitwits like that fucktard Goldberg on his side, defending him with the usual incoherent flatulence, he can keep trashing the country with his incompetence, his megalomanical secrecy, his ridiculous excuses, and most of all, his abiding, utter contempt for the principles of democracy and the Constitution. And if we don't do anything about it, maybe we deserve it. Hey, look, Paris Hilton picked her nose again!
9. Say the words "water boarding" or "nipple clamps", and a logjam forms in Cheney's pants.
8. Knows first-hand what the most dangerous game really is: wolverines. Reputedly bitch-slapped Fredo for saying "Parcheesi".
7. Punishment for insubordinate underlings is to change the big man's diaper for a week, and don't skimp on the Gold Bond, you ungrateful little fuck.
6. Keeps a Rolodex of Tony Snow's mostly-leather spank bank in the office safe, just in case ol' Snowblower gets any wise ideas.
5. Even when he's too old to recall what he had for breakfast that day, he'll never forget that magical lost weekend with Ann Coulter and Combover Tony Scalia, a heady brew of animal lust, absinthe, and freshly-harvested puppy blood. Good times.
4. "Pacemaker" actually a remote-control rheostat to monitor and calibrate the lowjack implanted in the base of Bush's skull. Clearly, it's working like a fucking charm.
3. After he told Pat Leahy to go fuck himself, he seriously thought about head-butting him, biting off a chunk of ear, and turning to the rest of the room, trophy hanging from his red, foaming maw, "Okay, who else wants a fuckin' piece of me?"
2. Shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. And that was after he shot Harry Whittington in that canned hunt.
1. Knows that as long as he has professional nitwits like that fucktard Goldberg on his side, defending him with the usual incoherent flatulence, he can keep trashing the country with his incompetence, his megalomanical secrecy, his ridiculous excuses, and most of all, his abiding, utter contempt for the principles of democracy and the Constitution. And if we don't do anything about it, maybe we deserve it. Hey, look, Paris Hilton picked her nose again!
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Top Ten Lisa Nowak Excuses
10. Diaper rash can have unpredictable results.
9. Certificate from Ryan O'Neal School of Anger Management not paying off as advertised.
8. Wanted to provide half-assed bloggers with lame excuse to boost hits with cheap, opportunistic top ten lists.
7. Space dementia, as far as the defense lawyer is concerned.
6. Trying to impress Jodie Foster, but would settle for Rex Grossman.
5. Felt that Girls Gone Wild series does not show the entire spectrum of potential wildness some girls are capable of.
4. Three simple words: Red Bull Tang, NASA's secret rocket fuel.
3. Angry that Pumpkinhead Russert had discussed her with Libby, as described in that thing about the aspens turning in clusters. The whole Plame/Judy F. Miller thing is just a ruse, man.
2. Actually an Iranian agent attempting to disrupt American way of life, thus providing casus belli to nuke Tehran.
1. Give the media yet another excuse to ignore actual news stories.
9. Certificate from Ryan O'Neal School of Anger Management not paying off as advertised.
8. Wanted to provide half-assed bloggers with lame excuse to boost hits with cheap, opportunistic top ten lists.
7. Space dementia, as far as the defense lawyer is concerned.
6. Trying to impress Jodie Foster, but would settle for Rex Grossman.
5. Felt that Girls Gone Wild series does not show the entire spectrum of potential wildness some girls are capable of.
4. Three simple words: Red Bull Tang, NASA's secret rocket fuel.
3. Angry that Pumpkinhead Russert had discussed her with Libby, as described in that thing about the aspens turning in clusters. The whole Plame/Judy F. Miller thing is just a ruse, man.
2. Actually an Iranian agent attempting to disrupt American way of life, thus providing casus belli to nuke Tehran.
1. Give the media yet another excuse to ignore actual news stories.
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