Friday, November 30, 2007

Top Ten Rudy Giuliani Dating Tips

10. Refer to wife as "that other broad I been tryin' to lose".

9. Don't be shy about experimenting with combover styles.

8. Masturbate behind podium at next values-voter debate. Dare them to stop you. Who's the king? You're the king, baby!

7. Steam-clean the City Hall casting couch at least once a month or so, before you start sticking to it.

6. Make sure your date looks better in a dress and makeup than you do. This is not as easy as it may seem, if you rock the Carol Channing look as hard as Rudy does. Rrrrroowwwrrr!

5. Never pay for sex, if you can get the taxpayers to foot the bill.

4. Tell her that if she doesn't put out, the terrorists win.

3. Two rules for double-dating with Fat Bernie -- go dutch, and make sure he leaves that sweater at home.

Jesus. Did he get a free bottle of Old Spice with that thing? Everyone knows that made men are supposed to wear suits.

2. It's not really pity sex if they're afraid of you.

1. Trust me on this -- if Ed Koch asks you if you want "a ride in the Lincoln Tunnel", say no.

Fun Bonus Tip: If you have a hot cousin -- or even a mediocre-looking one -- give her a call. It's a good place to start for the first marriage, what with the common ground and all.


Blackdogred said...

The masturbating behind podium would be far more effective with issues-voters if he was talking to Judy on his cell-phone at the same time.

At least let them THINK it's Judy.

Principessa of Cervesa said...

the whole deal with the emir from Quatar is just lost in this whole mess, isn't it?