Thursday, January 08, 2009

Jernamalism Skool

Some things are as impossible to parody as they are to get irritated about. Coulter is always going to be a liar and a shit-stirrer, at least as long as it's profitable, and the teevee shows are willing to have her little circus act on. Plus ça change and all. At some point her crowd -- or even her wingnut welfare sponsors -- may tire of her writing the same book over and over. They may even realize that they no longer have the luxury of being morons, that there's not much percentage in it these days.

I suppose Sam the Mascot's upcoming impassioned missives from the Holy Land (now with more holes!) will be entertaining enough. But obviously he, like Coulter and the rest of that lot, are performing for a crowd that not only holds the majority of their countrymen in contempt, but more importantly holds even the basic methodologies for gathering and processing actual information in an equal measure of deep contempt and ignorance.

The idea that maybe both Israel and Palestine are wrong never crosses their minds. It never occurs to them that having sympathy for overbreeding maniacs who turn their children into suicide bombers is as difficult as having sympathy for people who herd and corral other people into shitholes like rats, for generations, poach their land and water, and then wonder why they're nuts. If you don't believe in sacred sand, then you don't really have much of a dog in this fight, except insofar as realizing that neither side really wants peace in its conventional definition. It's not that difficult to figure out.

Enjoy the dancing monkeys, don't forget to tip your waitress.


Marius said...

Some people may stop listening to the Toxic Shemale because their economic situation has gotten way too fucked up to afford the luxury of frothing at the mouth over non-issues and false dichotomies. Some others will continue to lap up her shit because, frankly, they're too retarded and emotionally damaged for the 21st century. Hopefully the market for fascist lunacy will shrink enough for cable news executives to decide that the anorexic harpy's returns are not worth the expenses.

Never thought I'd provide an answer to anything along broadly Marxist lines. My immediate ancestors in Eastern Europe must be so ashamed of me.

Marius said...

As to non-Joe the non-Plumber, the people who gave him this dubious gig must be the mass-media equivalent of General Motors -- the more desperate your market position gets, the more you decide to self-destructively invest in poorly-made gas-guzzlers. Well, look where it's gonna get them. GM will be history by the end of this year; and by mid-summer, we'll be hearing of Wurzelbacher's 'news reports' being on YouTube up there with crazy rants by unhinged divorcees and deranged Britney fans.

Or maybe he and "Jeff Gannon" will decide to resuscitate that website again -- or, better yet, rename it. Like,, or something along those lines. Surely there's a niche market for gay threesomes with two bald-headed white dudes.

Marius said...

A suggestion for a fresh caption at the top of your blog, Heywood:

"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office."

-- G-Dubs, in Washington DC, 12 May, 2008

Heywood J. said...

Yeah, I finally got around to reading Tony Horwitz' Confederates in the Attic, and the same pattern is there -- broke, ignorant people passionately nursing largely imaginary grievances.

It's less of a value judgment than an objective assessment; one guy in Horwitz' book, nice enough guy but stuck in a trailer with a shit job, and not much else to do but read Confederate diaries by oven light. That's obviously Palin's fan club. You give these people better jobs and a way out, and a surprising amount of them would probably unfuck themselves post-haste. But the future holds nothing for them, so they live in an idealized past.

Of course, Miss Thang has just managed to marginalize herself even more, with the airing of excerpts from this stupid "How Obama Got Elected" dorkumentary that's coming out. Her crowd will naturally love it, but anyone else seriously buying the "media bias" trope should be finally getting it, straight from the horse's ass. All those whinging "McCain Democrats", who professed to jump ship because Charlie Gibson and Katie Couric were too hard on Palin, are invited to suck it.

Who knows? Palin might next claim that this pointedly conservatard dorkumentarian, like the perfidious Couric, creatively edited the interview excerpts to emphasize Palin's preening lack of self-awareness and vapid narcissism, which would be standard procedure for her.

Nothing's never her fault: not her lies about reform; not her leaving her shithole town to pay for a $20 million hockey rink that no one uses; not her grasping welfare state that complains far more than it contributes; not her blithering ignorance about common political knowledge and refusal to answer simple questions; not her unearned sense of entitlement.

Many people have issues with Caroline Kennedy's sense of entitlement, but failure to be able to do the job -- a job currently held by borderline retards such as James Inhofe and Mark Pryor -- is not one of them. But Palin apparently thinks that she could have been Obama's running mate, as is, and no one would have said "boo". She's even dumber than anyone thought if she really thinks that's the case.

As for Wurzelbacher, if he wants to be an agitprop monkey for a fourth-rate web outfit, good luck with that. Any excuse to put off actually getting that plumber's license, milk that sixteenth excruciating minute of unearned fame. I could see Sam the Ringer becoming Britney's new paramour, through some fluke of circumstance. (That Adnan guy she was with supposedly did some gun-running in Bosnia.)

Gannon would also be a good fit for Wurzelbacher, 'scuse the bad pun. At the very least, they can swap stories about what it's like to be rented stooges and ringers for these animals, low-rent shills for low-tech mouthbreathers.

Heywood J. said...

Tagline is changed. That's too perfect.