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Thursday, January 01, 2009

Predictions for 2009

Let's peer into the HotB crystal ball (sponsored by Patrón) and see what fresh outrages await us over the coming twelve months:

  • January: Obama is inaugurated to a flurry of kazoos and hurled lingerie, for which an unrepentant Sean Hannity is unceremoniously escorted out. Rick Warren writes another unreadable book, chronicling his nightmare in the lions' den of mild rebukes from diffident gay activists. Democratic congressional supermajority continues to allow itself to be pushed around by inbred Republican douchebags and Joe Lieberman, promises "real change" in 2010.


  • February: Unemployment hits 12.5%, Dow soars to 11,000 on "good news". Working-class Americans finally start getting the impression that the people who pull the levers in this country fucking despise them, then go back to discussing new roster of American Idol contestants. The CPAC convention is brought to a rollicking conclusion by a pantsless yet judge-sober Fred Thompson. Jack Black's Academy Award acceptance speech is punctuated with incoherent epithets regarding Florida's perpetually tanned governor, leading one Variety columnist to dub Black the "anti-Crist". Hi-yoooo!


  • March: Dick Cheney goes on canned hunting trip with George W. Bush and Harry Whittington, comes back alone with telltale scratches and a bag of dead flightless birds. Americans are unsure how to react. Intellectual one-tire fryer Jonah Goldberg blegs for Funyun recipes and research tips, announces plans for his next epic tome, Progressive Communism: From Planned Parenthood to Toys 'R' Us, to be released in 2012 or 2014, or whenever he finishes his spec script for An American Carol 2: Dipshit Boogaloo.


  • April: D-list blogger Heywood J. pens his gripping memoir, Blog Like Me, a harrowing account of his experiences in the seamy, bloated underbelly of intartubez discourse. After an endorsement by Oprah's Book Club -- during which Mr. J. drunkenly frugs Ms. Winfrey's couch pillows while proclaiming his unholy lust for Maria Sharapova -- the "memoir" is revealed to have been heavily embellished, plagiarized, and completely fabricated. The movie deal falls through, doing irreparable damage to the careers of Will Smith and Guillermo del Toro.


  • May: A compromise on the 2008 California budget is finalized at long last, just in time to begin negotiations for the 2009 budget. The compromise is a seductive combination of sales-tax increases, job- and benefit-cutting measures, and IOUs for magic beans. Amazingly, California continues to grow in population. In a tragic yet hilarious mishap, Howie Mandel gets a pinky finger snapped off in a suitcase while taping Deal or No Deal. Jeff Zucker and Ben Silverman, determined to lawn-dart NBC, hand over the network's 8:00-9:00PM bloc for the entire week to DoND, prompting Tina Fey to take 30 Rock over to Showtime.


  • June: Consumer confidence continues to plummet, except for fast food, QVC paste jewelry, and Shamwows. An AIG executive is hunted down by a lynch mob and strung up by his golden parachute. Verne Troyer comes back to beat Lorenzo Lamas in a very special Dancing with the Stars finale. Box-office records are set by hotly-anticipated Hills movie, in which Heidi and Spencer pretend to get married again, this time in a three-way in Lauren Conrad's hot tub, officiated (and filmed) by Rev. Justin Bobby.


  • July: Stephen Colbert declares to run against knuckle-dragging troglodyte Jim DeMint for South Carolina Senate seat in 2010. Rest of nation considers genuine merits of the idea, while South Carolinians, unemployed and intoxicated as ever, overwhelmingly endorse DeMint after he swamps them with mailers insinuating that Colbert was born in Kenya and adopted by a tribe of heroin-snorting rhesus monkeys. India and Pakistan nuke each other out of comical (in retrospect) misunderstanding; Americans are forced to make their own soccer balls, answer their own tech support calls, and find India and Pakistan (or where they used to be) on a map.


  • August: Obama takes vacation in Hawaii, much to Cokie Roberts' chagrin, as she takes a break from her usual buffet lunch at Myrtle Beach Stuckey's to decry Obama's elitist choice of an exotic, non-American place to spend his free time. Obama responds by telling Roberts to "go clear some fuckin' brush". Reg'lar 'murkins come up with snappy synonyms for "staycation", pretending weekend husk of government cheese is a bowl of ballpark nachos.


  • September: In opening quarter of first regular-season game, Randy Moss tears his ACL and is out for the season, causing a rash of Masshole suicides. After failing to qualify for the next season of Dancing with the Stars, Moss turns up in the reunion tour of the All Sports Band, with predictably hilarious results. Kelsey Grammer ponders his career choices, has another drink. Lindsay Lohan continues to be Hollywood's go-to gal for some cheap 'n' nasty.


  • October: The esteemed nomination process for the (ahem) Rock and Roll Hall of Fame takes a hit when, in despair over his inability to decide between Men Without Hats and The Human League, Jann Wenner nearly chokes while fellating his life-size nude statue of Lester Bangs. Ultimately Wenner takes the Solomonic path and nominates both groups, throwing in Orchestral ManchowderManœuvres in the Dark and the Village People for good measure. After completing ten pages of his AAC2 spec script, Jonah Goldberg decides to switch projects to start The Legacy Elf: Quest of the Sinecured Winger, a fantasy allegory of Goldberg's career. Goldberg will scrap this project, twenty pages and eight months later, because of Brad Pitt's stubborn refusal to return Goldberg's calls.


  • November: Bristol "Jamie Lynn" Palin and Levi "Fuckin' Redneck" Johnston complete their set of Irish twins a full month before the informal deadline. Grandma -- that is, the grandma not doing time for oxy -- praises yet another blessed event through gritted teeth, reiterating that the kids are still just a few credits short of their GEDs, but are on the cusp of getting them. Meanwhile, having pissed through the $300k from the pics of the first bundle of joy, Bristol and Levi are surprised to find that the pics for this one (to be named "F. Troop Zamboni Johnston", nicknamed "Agarn") are about as in demand as those for Bronx Mowgli Wentz. The kids then devote their energies to finishing their high-school educations before their 20th birthdays, and checking cereal boxes for new name ideas.


  • December: Cease-fire formally declared in War on Christmas, leading to an Armistice Day for Dec. 12. The truce is quickly forgotten, as a wave of copycat Santa Claus spree-killers dominates news outlets during holiday season, because nothing says Christmas like messy divorces, impending destitution, and home-made flamethrowers. Nation convinces itself that 2010 will be better, and that Lucy will finally let Charlie Brown kick that football.

2 comments:

Joe Blow said...

Heywood,

This has been the most fun I've had on the internet since I read comments on the mortgage crisis from Mike Litoris.

well except for that webcam thing....

I hope that 2009 turns out well and you shake off whatever downers happened in 2008 and GET HAPPY.

Lordy Lordy I know I am planning on trying to start to do that myself....

Marius said...

Duuude! Lorenzo Lamas, man! Talk about a blast from the past. I didn't know anyone else besides me remembers that douche. Really fun stuff, though.

Happy new year and all the best, people.