Sunday, May 01, 2016

Bored of the Rings

Alien-in-a-human-suit and Canadian native Rafael Edward Cruz Junior certainly comes across as the sort of physically inept doofus who, if you threw him a basketball, would probably try to dribble it with both hands simultaneously and granny-shot his free throws over the backboard. So it's no surprise that he would blunder his cynical attempt to capitalize on Indiana's moronic fixation on the sport by referring to the goal as a ring rather than a hoop. Highlarryous, as they say in the 'hood.

But is it really any more stoopid or laughable than Dumb Old Chump using doddering rageaholic Bobby Knight as some sort of validation of his, Drumpf's, own laughable sayings and obsessions? Beyond all the half-truths, untruths, and flat-out lies, the unifying theme of Drumpf's campaign has been that Preznit Chocolate Thunder has turned our fair land into a smoldering apocalyptic hellhole.

It's as if the little prairie dogs in his audiences are completely unable to stick their heads up out of their holes and look around, and understand the bigger picture:  that while the deindustrialization, decapitalization, and concomitant depopulation of their own dried-out fuckhole hick town is sad and lamentable, it is not in fact entirely -- or even substantially -- descriptive of a huge nation with hundreds of millions of people. Unemployment and gas prices are lower than when CT took over, stock market is higher. I know numbers is tricky, but maybe if these rubes paid attention, they wouldn't have been such easy marks in the first place. That's not to say that they haven't been roundly screwed over, but the idea that Drumpf would change any of that is preposterous, to say the least.

Anyhoo, the point here is that a fat old white man whose qualifications for high office appear to be a recent career in pretending to fire people who don't really work for him, and an ability to lie through his fucking teeth without caring that said lies are easily demonstrable, is being endorsed by another fat old white man whose defining characteristic is screaming at 19-year-olds until they run a pick-and-roll to his satisfaction. And it will probably work, because college basketball is to Indiana what high-school (and college) football is to Texas.

I'm a lifelong sports fan, especially of football and baseball. Mostly Raiders and Lakers growing up, but I also respect teams and individual athletes and coaches who are competitive and talented and fun to watch. But unless they're offensively racist or just vile humans in general, I have very little interest in their political opinions at all. I can't imagine why such a thing would mean anything to anyone.

Tom Brady's friendship with Drumpf is a perfect example of this. As a Raiders fan, I don't like Brady, but I'd be lying if I didn't acknowledge that he's one of the most talented quarterbacks of his generation, it's basically between him and Peyton Manning. But even the most diehard Brady ball-licker should understand that Brady has every reason to like Drumpf, because Drumpf understands the value of hanging with someone like Tom Brady, and therefore treats him like a king. But apparently this makes a real difference to all the Masshole Patsies fans.

Let me put it this way:  if John Madden or Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, two sports figures whom I genuinely admire a great deal, endorsed someone, be it Sanders or Drumpf or whoever, it would not change my vote. It might change my opinion of them and their judgment or lack of it, but that's about it.

Endorsements, whether they're from political colleagues or celebrities, are mostly affirmative in nature. You knew, for example, that George Clooney would be endorsing either Clinton or Sanders; he wasn't going to go rogue and stump for Kasich or Fiorina. But even if he had, so what? Might be a head-scratcher, but it is incomprehensible to me that Clooney's endorsement of this or that politician would serve as a passable substitute for doing my own research and forming my own opinion.

That's not a slight against Clooney; he seems to be bright, personable human being who actually gives a shit about something other than himself. He gets some credit for at least trying to use his fame to positively affect the lives of people in genuine need. Drumpf's idea for helping South Sudan would be to hold a canned-hunt fundraiser, and lose the check somewhere along the way.

Bobby Knight, on the other hand, is the exact opposite, and always has been -- a braying, Great Santini jackass, bullying and screaming his way through life at kids who play a kids' game for free, for a slave system that makes millions of dollars from their efforts. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

Maybe there is some pattern of affirmation in the "celebrities" who have publicly endorsed Drumpf so far:  Knight; Mike Tyson (who of course did time in the Indiana state penitentiary system for raping a beauty pageant contestant); future Secretary of State Dennis Rodman; convicted killer and thief Don King; some tax-dodging crazy cunt from a Real Housewives show; professional Halloween mask Wayne Newton; Gathering of the Juggalos favorite Tila Tequila; Sarah Palin; Kirstie Alley; Jon Voight; Pete Rose; Loretta Lynn; one of the lesser Baldwins; one of the Duck Dynasty beardos; Ted Nugent; Kid Rock. There's not a person in that list you would trust with any sort of useful task. Basically, if there's a washed-up dirtbag or reality-teevee parasite, some sort of pop-culture figure that makes you cringe or feel momentarily embarrassed for your country, chances are they're endorsing this fucking sack of gas.

But yeah, Ted Cruz is the douchebag because he doesn't know anything about basketball. There are plenty of sound reasons to dislike Ted Cruz, but the rush to hardy-har over his malaprop misses the point by a mile, especially when his opponent proudly campaigns with one of the most toxic assholes in the history of college sports.

The truly funny part about this whole thing is that apparently the way to get Indianans to vote for you is to obsessively stroke their b-ball boner for them. He'll blow up the world, but he'll blow Larry Bird and Bobby Knight at half-court! Good job, HosersHoosiers, whatever the fuck that is.

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