Defcon Borgnine

Holy crap. I don't know what to say.

The candid 22-year-old "Transformers" star, who's currently engaged to actor Brian Austin Green, opened up to GQ about her love life, telling the magazine she was once in love with a female stripper. Fox, who appears on the October cover in a black bikini, said she was in the relationship when she was 18 and first living in Los Angeles alone. "Well, that year my boyfriend broke up with me, and I decided - oh man, sorry, mommy! - that I was in love with this girl that worked at the Body Shop," said Fox. "I decided that I was going to get her to love me back, and I went out of my way to create a relationship with this girl, a stripper named Nikita."

Seriously? She's engaged to the little rapper dude from 90210? My friends, that is some wickety-wack shit I just cannot believe. It would upset the delicate balance of this entropic void/womb we call the universe. Though I have to admit, Vanilla Ice Jr. seems to have gotten himself some top-shelf ass over the years -- well, aside from Tori Spelling.

Oh, and Megan Fox with a Russian stripper. I may have to take the rest of the week off work to recuperate. How come there's no tape of that, instead of Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson? There's no justice in this world, I tells ya.

New Booty Alert

Meet Hugh Hefner's new girlfriend (more here) (both links NSFW). Personally I don't believe it. For one, she doesn't look like Hef's usual inflate-a-date type. I mean, I see Holly Madison and I practically want to check her ass for a valve stem. But Dasha Astafieva's tits appear to be real, which would be a departure for Hef. (I have nothing against fake tits; if I can see them, they're real. Still, natural is preferred. Tara Reid's boobjob (also NSFW), for example, looks like a blind man slung pepperoni at a couple of water balloons.)

Secondly, I don't believe that Astafieva is actually a Ukrainian Playmate, because she's not the size and shape of a woodstove and pulling a plow. (I keed, I keed; I've always found Eastern European women pretty hot, exotic, though I don't really have a "type". A hot chick is a hot chick, whether she's from Osaka, Mumbai, Kiev, or Laguna Beach.)

Anyway, nicely done once again, Hef. Damn you.

Employee of the Month

Clearly I've been in the wrong line of work all these years.

Devaney pointed to one supervisor in the Royalty-In-Kind program — under which oil companies are allowed to pay royalties owed to the federal government in actual oil rather than cash — who "engaged in illegal drug use and had sexual relations with subordinates, and in consort with industry."

Devaney said that between 2002 and 2006, a third of the Royalty-In-Kind staff socialized with, and received a wide array of gifts and gratuities from companies with which the government was doing business.

"While the dollar amounts of gifts and gratuities was not enormous, these employees accepted gives and gratuities on at least 135 occasions from four major oil and gas companies with whom they were doing business — a textbook example of improperly receiving gifts from prohibited sources," Devaney said. "When confronted by our investigators, none of the employees involved displayed remorse."

Remorse for accepting free gifts, money, travel, pussy? Uh-huh. Having never been bribed by anyone with anything of value, I can only imagine what the psychology is there. But if you're a middle-management tool getting a free jaunt to the Houston Hyatt, drinks and meals comped, and not much else to do after the meet-and-greets besides schmooze and get lit -- I mean, you couldn't cultivate this environment any more thoroughly if you tried. Ultimately they figure that it's the way things get done, and if they don't take the perks, someone else will.

Plus, you know, if there are two more egregious examples of the Peter Principle in play than the organizational cultures of federal government and oil companies, I have yet to hear of them. The Mustang Ranch probably has tighter strictures than the little rub-and-tug shows resource extractors run on their government benefactors.

Titties and Beer

Seems I've gotten a lot of hits already today from folks looking for this layout. And while I'm not a huge fan of Lohan nor Marilyn Monroe, funbags is funbags, and it's a nice break from the usual barrage of political sniping and seething misanthropy. There's plenty more of that coming anyway. Never say I don't look out for y'all, at least once in a while.

(Now, if this were real, and there was a "tape" and all, that'd be a different story. They'd have to drag me out of here feet first.)

In Case You Were Wondering

For the record, even though I abhor "reality" shows as a general rule, I'd watch MILF Island. Shit, if I were 19 years old, I'd audition for it. I'm just sayin'.

Fountains of Wayne - Denise

Okay, I need a palate cleanser, especially these days. It's a pre-requisite before doing any more ass-spelunking in the endless ass of this administration.

And I fuckin' dig this song. People mention the Devo vibe to the video, naturally, but the song itself reminds me more of the Cars. But either one works. And, you know, Jolene Blalock in a car wash. I mean, I've never even seen the Galactica Wars show she was in, and I know who she is.

Shock 'n' Ahhh

In the lighter entertainment side of political douchebag comings and goings, I think many of us have been waiting for some names to drop in the D.C. Madam case. Not really for the basic prurient gossip content of it so much, but rather to see just how many sanctimonious sex-obsessed hypocrites -- from any party, though obviously they tend to coagulate in Hezbullah the GOP -- get hoist on their own petard.

Palfrey's flamboyant attorney, Montgomery Blair Sibley, said Friday that he has been contacted by five lawyers recently, asking whether their clients' names are on Palfrey's list of 10,000 to 15,000 phone numbers. Some, Sibley said, have inquired about whether accommodations could be made to keep their identities private. ABC is expected to air a report on Palfrey and her clients on "20/20" on May 4, during sweeps.

More revelations are in the offing. Ross said the list includes the names of some "very prominent people," as well as a number of women with "important and serious jobs" who had worked as escorts for the firm.

The disclosures have been made sparely and artfully. Two weeks ago, in court documents about calling former clients to testify on her behalf, Palfrey named Harlan K. Ullman, an academic whose main claim to fame was a scholarly paper he wrote more than a decade ago on the military strategy known as "shock and awe." Responded Ullman: "It doesn't deserve the dignity of a response."

Sibley also filed notice that he intends to depose political consultant Dick Morris in a separate civil proceeding. Morris would not comment.

Well, how could he? He had something in his mouth, whether it was some woman's toes or the administration's figurative wang. Not that it matters; bringing down a hump like Dick Morris would be like trying to bring down Geraldo Rivera -- they've already beaten you to it, pally.

It's just fun to be reminded once in a while that, as self-righteous as these people pretend to be while they're picking our pockets, they're every bit as warped as they lecture us heathens for being. They just pay a lot more for it than most people. Three hundred bucks for a "massage", there better be a very happy ending.

In the meantime, a lot of very important sphincters are going to be clenched for the next week or so, pending the release of more names. Fun stuff.

Can I Watch?

Apropos of nothing:

Carmen Electra has a same sex crush on Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba. The former 'Baywatch' beauty, who was rumored to be having a lesbian relationship with rock star Joan Jett, has now admitted she fancies the two Hollywood beauties.

Carmen said: "Scarlett is hot. Her sexiness is totally appreciated by girls like me.

"Jessica is naturally pretty, she's very sweet. I feel in love with her because she's the nicest girl. She's sexy and has an incredible body."

All major credit cards accepted.

For Your Consideration

I don't normally post too many pictures of hot chicks, and frankly, I think that's a damned shame. Plus, I need to decompress (not to mention shower vigorously) a bit after reading up on people (and I use that term loosely) such as Pat Dullard Dollard, and I assume you do too.

So to commemorate Oscar® night, enjoy a nice photo of Penelope Cruz (who's not exactly on my "to do" list, but still fairly hot) and her even hotter sister, courtesy of Hollywood Tuna:



¡Viva las chicas!

Britney Shears

Oh, snaaap!!1!1! Good one, Scotsman. Is it just me, or does this thing read like some "pre-bituary" they have stashed in case of plane crash or exposed-vagina incident?

Fears were mounting yesterday for the health of shamed pop princess Britney Spears after she appeared in public with a completely-shaved head.

Just five months after losing her husband and, some say, her career following a stream of highly-publicised drinking binges, the once wholesome singer was videoed removing her long tresses with shears at a California salon.

She then went to a tattoo parlour in the Sherman Oaks district of Los Angeles, wearing a hoodie over her new look. A crowd gathered outside to witness her get a new ink picture on her wrist.

Spears' new appearance emerged a day after reports that the millionaire entertainer had checked herself in to, then swiftly out of, a rehabilitation clinic in Antigua in the space of 48 hours.

Music industry insiders said they were concerned about the 25-year-old singer's wellbeing.

Alex Papasimakopolou, director of Scottish music management and promotions company Everymatic, said: "I've seen the images and it just looks horrible. I cannot believe that someone is not advising her on what to do.

"She just seems to go from one bad situation to the next at the moment. She's literally disintegrating in front of people's eyes and that's just very depressing to watch.

"She could just as easily be some young girl growing up in the UK who finds herself spiralling out of control - the difference is she's doing it in the full glare of the world's media.

"This is obviously a cry for something because she initially built her career on being a young, pretty, squeaky clean pop artist. More than ever, it seems, she needs a guiding hand to show her what to do next."

Ah, "fears were mounting". Where exactly might these "fears" be "mounting"? Well, for one, at Everymatic. I mean, if a Greek guy in Edinburgh looking at internets photos can't discern what's really going on in this impending celebritastrophe™, I'll eat this full plate of haggis.

Okay, I won't, not even on a bet after a bottle of Bushmill's, but you get the idea. I actually like the Scotsman's news coverage for the most part, but this is symptomatic of the progressively symbiotic nature of entertainment coverage and actual news. It's beneath them. Hell, it's beneath me.

Not that that's stopped me before. Or, sadly, the professionals.


[Photo via Go Fug Yourself and Oh No They Didn't!.]

Seriously, honey. Think small. Get some community college under your belt, learn to read something besides your own press releases. Resolve your man issues; explore the reasons why you had Irish twins by an unemployable white rapper. That sort of thing.

Really, I can't help but wonder about people who have more than enough money to walk away from the machine, at least for a while, and refuse to do so. I know, jerkoffs like me are feeding that machine, but damn, I almost feel bad about it sometimes.

Britney Spears' Pussy (Now With Lesbian Orgies)

Ah, the things we must sometimes cover to generate a decent rate on the old hit counter. At least it's a topic that actually makes me ask the eternal question: can I watch?

Kevin Federline's friend, rap music producer Omar 'Iceman' Sharif, claims Britney Spears is into lesbian orgies and porn, in an interview to In Touch Weekly magazine. He said: "Britney was into threesomes and girls. There was tons of porn in the house - but it was mostly Britney's."

Omar also claims Britney would host X-rated parties at her Malibu marital home. He said: "They were friends of her who she would invite to her house and they would drink and party. They had their hands all over each other."

Another source said: "Sometimes it was three girls, and sometimes there were more like six. I heard about her being with girls at least 20 times while they were married."

If you can't trust K-Fed's wingman/cardboard-house-procurer "Iceman", yo, who can you trust, knaamsayin'? Still, you know, maybe an appearance in the next edition of the venerable Where the Boys Aren't series could be just the, uh, comeback strategy.

[And yeah, while we're yucking it up over Britney's peckerdilloes, the death this afternoon of Anna Nicole Smith is a tragic reminder of how far these things can go. It is a sad demise, made even worse both by the fact that she leaves an infant daughter, and by how unsurprising the news really was. She will probably be presumed another casualty of the fuck-'em-and-chuck-'em sex industry, but the fact is that she appeared to be a very unhappy person, who was understandably unable to move on with life after the untimely death of her son. Richard Roeper has an interesting retrospective.]