Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Show Business

The rumor earlier this year that the true goal of Drumpf's whole scampaign was to start his own reich-wing "news" network was just too seductive, too perfect. It didn't have to make sense, because it sounded exactly like something Clownstick would do. It's all he knows, it's the pro-wrestling reality-teevee simulacrum he understands.

That rumor still persists, and in fact apparently Drumpf's pelf-grubbing scum-in-law reached out to the "boutique" lender LionTree, only to be rebuffed. And this is why a teevee network is a no-go.

Of course, that is an entirely different matter than whether or not the rumor is true -- which itself points up the fact that Drumpf, for the thousandth time, is a lousy fucking businessman. After all, this is someone who has failed -- hard -- at selling gambling, vodka, steaks, and football. In America. How do you fail at selling any of those things in this country, much less all of them? Might as well go broke selling blowjobs.

Or outrage, this country's favorite non-pharma drug. This is another easily produced item that Americans cannot get enough of. But for a squirrel-bait cornpone caudillo like Drumpf  to even try to have enough focus to push something like a teevee network is just a bridge too far. He clearly is incapable of doing much beyond picking his nose.

Just to get something like that off the ground would cost tens or hundreds of millions of dollars. There is no content model, there is no revenue model. Drumpf has irreparably damaged his precious brand -- his only marketable asset -- and his customers are staying away in droves. It takes no effort to reasonably speculate that people with real money, the people Drumpf would need to help get a cable network going, are going to do what LionTree did and say no thanks. They can see the long trail of bones behind him, what little remains of the people and businesses foolish enough to venture in with him.

Don't get me wrong -- I'd love nothing more than to see someone, or a bunch of someones, go all in and invest their money, talent, whatever, and see it come to inevitable ruin. It would be awesome to watch Hannity or one of his other pigfucking toadies jump over to Chump Teevee and do some sort of show. Maybe Hunchback Giuliani could do a late-night talk-show where he just screams lies at a hapless camera operator for an hour or so. Maybe Drumpf's mail-order bride can provide a few hours a day of content making excuses for her scumbag husband.

Of all the dismal phrases that have gained currency in this nightmarish election year, one of the worst is "locker-room talk" or some such dopey euphemism. Forget the inevitable arguments between past and present locker-room denizens, and what sort of conversations actually take place. The facts are that a 59-year-old man, a notorious philanderer and wannabe swordsman, just a couple months into his third marriage, brags on Billy Bush's Access Hollywood Bangbus about his preferred method of picking up chicks.

Now, simple math tells us that only two explanations are possible:
  1. Drumpf is telling the truth, in which case he's a sexual assaulter, going around kissing and grabbing women he doesn't know by way of introduction, and a creepy old-man pervert, walking into dressing rooms populated by teenaged girls putting on bikinis.
  2. Drumpf is a pathetic old man who conjures up Andrew Dice Clay-type stories unprompted, in the weird hope of impressing Billy Bush.
His fans don't want to hear this, and that's easy to understand. But just like I'd love to see (for example) Jared Kushner pour his entire bank account into his dad-in-law's cable network, and inevitably lose every dime, it would be added entertainment value to watch every one of his low-info rube fan base pony up their hard-earned money to subscribe to it.

None of these things will happen, of course. There are plenty of people with money to invest, and there are plenty of stupid people, but there is very little overlap between those two groups, certainly not enough to keep a transparent con man like Fuckface von Drumpf afloat. But we can dream, and we can hope, and the inevitable collapse would be so much fun to watch.

Don't be too surprised, though, when Drumpf partners up with Breitbart somehow, and gets into the reich-wing net-agitprop business. Much lower startup costs, no real barriers to entry, built-in name recognition, easy to monetize, etc. In fact, the only factors that will make him fail there are market saturation and his natural ineptitude. He'll try all the same, because he knows no other way, and there's enough morons to keep him going initially.

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