Jungle Fever

Holuh mack'el deah Rushbo, I'se Suhvivahmatin'!

Big Pharma steps on his oxy/viagra-engorged thumb-dick yet again. The whole thing is pretty abysmal, made even more so because Limbaugh, the ultimate insider's lackey, thinks he's being so politically incorrect by jokey-joking the racial stereotypes.

On the August 23 broadcast of his nationally syndicated radio program, Rush Limbaugh suggested that the competition in a new season of CBS' reality TV program Survivor, in which contestants are reportedly divided into competing "tribes" by ethnicity, "is not going to be fair if there's a lot of water events." In support of this assertion, he cited a March 2 HealthDay article reporting that "young blacks -- especially males -- are much more likely to drown in pools than whites."

During the program, Limbaugh suggested that "people at CBS" are "scratch[ing] their heads" and asking whether "the swimming portion" of the new Survivor competition is "going to be fair." When pressed by an African-American caller to identify "[w]hich team ... would be the worst swimmers and why," Limbaugh stated that "the white tribe would be the best swimmers" based on the performance of white athletes at "the Olympics." After apparently disconnecting or cutting the volume level of the caller, Limbaugh said: "[Y]ou're saying I'm being racist because I'm saying blacks can't swim." He further protested: "I mentioned the swimming comment only because it's not going to be fair if there is a lot of water competition in this. It just isn't. It is not a racial or racist comment at all."

You know, Fatass, "they don't have the buoyancy" is much shorter. Jesus. It doesn't even seem to occur to him that it might be an issue of economic class -- and thus frequent access to safe swimming areas -- instead of race. If anything, given the level of competition in most sports by black athletes, one might just as well assume that, given the same opportunities, they'd be better swimmers than white people.

That is, if one really felt that much of a compulsion to break every damn thing down by race, instead of just letting motherfuckers swim or whatever they want to do. It's not as if Limpballs hasn't gone down this sordid road before.


How'd that turn out, anyway?

But don't let that stop Big Pharma. He's rolling.

Limbaugh also asserted that "the Asian-American tribe" -- whom he called "the brainiacs of the bunch" -- "probably will outsmart everybody," but while "intelligence is one thing ... raw, native understanding of the land -- this is probably why the Native Americans were excluded, because they were at one with the land and they would probably have an unfair advantage."

Or, because the contest is being held in the Cook Islands, why the Pacific Islanders are not represented in this.

And for the record, I can't believe this asinine idea ever made it through the pitch meeting. I've never watched Survivor (seriously) and I never will, but I know enough about it to know that it's all gimmicks and contrivances. When the gimmick is, say, weapons, then I'll check it out. In the meantime, ethnic tribes is about as unnecessarily ugly a gimmick as I can think of. How about straights versus homos, while you're at it, or in a lighter vein, jocks versus nerds? I mean, how stupid. How has this piece of crap idea for a show lingered this long; does America really need to just unplug and go sort its sock drawer for a while?

[Limbaugh] added that "the white tribe," "if it behaves as it historically has," will "bring along vials of diseases" and "will wind up oppressing" the other tribes by "deny[ing] them benefits" and "property," but will later "try to put [the other tribes] on some kind of benefit program." He further asserted that if CBS "allows ... cheating" and "oppression," "then of course the white tribe is going to win."

I honestly don't get this. Is this one of those "funny because it's true" deals or something? Smallpox blankets and welfare programs? Hello? Is this thing on? What's wrong with "you people"? And what is the deal with airline peanuts, anyway?

I have an idea I'd like to pitch to the humps at the Survivor company, should their piece-of-crap show limp to yet another crappy season. Drop Limbaugh, Coulter, Hannity, Savage, Malkin, Beck, and the rest of the useless radio-show hacks on an arable island in the South Pacific with, say, one month's supplies, and some rudimentary tools to build shelter. Initially there might be some Gilligan's Island hijinks with Limpballs and Hannity-Boy fighting over who gets the top hammock in their love hut, but things should rapidly deteriorate, much to our amusement.

Between the Lord of the Flies savagery, the nascent power structure hinging on multiple sexual hangups and (ahem) lack of virility on the part of the wannabe alpha males, and the eventual starvation and cannibalism, you'd be getting mega ratings and doing the world a huge fucking favor.