DeLay's Toupée; Or, Just Because You're Paranoid Doesn't Mean There's Not Really Someone Out To Get You

The slow-motion demise of Tom DeLay's political career is a thing to behold, for several reasons. The obvious one is that sending this corrupt asshole down the road, at long last, may finally be the beginning of the end for the hijackers of the Republican Party.

Not to worry. To be sure, Tommy and Dickie and Rummy and Dubya and the rest of the putsch gang will land on their feet. They always do. DeLay will be sure to command Ollie North money for speaking engagements, at which he will inveigh against the "liberal media machine" -- which is none of those three things, if you think honestly about it -- for bringing him down. Evil Demo-rats, and all that. You know the drill by now. Failing that, there is always the mad fly K Street lobbying chedda, yo.

The empirical impossibility of the Democrats actually being able to dismount DeLay matters not to his supporters, who really are just another in an endless series of continuations of idiots who think their support for such characters symbolizes their will to be Free. They labor under many delusions, such as the notion that they're fighting a Clintonian conspiracy to ram evolution and gay marriage down the virgin throats of their sainted children. Oh, the blasphemous horror!

The idea that DeLay could have been brought down by Democrats is on a factual par with the rest of their anti-empirical claptrap. The fact of the matter is that the Democrats can't get much of anything done on their own at all. Occasionally they can raise a stink about an issue by getting in front of a camera, but that's about it. Even at that simple tactic, they suck.

See, a truly opportunistic opposition party would have seen the recent shenanigans employed by the Republicans as just cause for a response, to which they could have clearly delineated the difference between the two parties. There would have been nothing amiss in a model Catholic like Nancy Pelosi or Pat Leahy stepping forward after the death of the pope and reminding everyone just whose side he was on with regard to things like war, the economy, and general social consciousness.

Yes, the Republicans have him on abortion and birth control and such. So much the better to draw that line, since Americans have made it quite clear where they stand on those issues. Do you want social awareness and consciousness, or do you want Gladys Kravitz? At long last, this is not one of those "if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice" deals. You really do have to make up your mind one way or the other, sooner than you think.

So if anything, the Democrats have distinguished themselves by their impotence, not their hidden power. They have none; no hidden power, no visible power. No, DeLay is going down because he has become a liability to his fellow Republicans. The usual question of "did he jump or was he pushed?" is moot here; the only question is who exactly is doing the actual pushing.

I submit that a person who is as infamous for fucking with his friends as he is with his enemies is ripe for a good old-fashioned shanking. The bearer of the sharpened toothbrush appears to be Chris Shays, but Shays is no reckless fool -- you can count on at least a dozen sets of fingerprints on this puppy, all of them Republican. The big happy funtime conspiracy theory is that Shays got the nod from the Moron In Chief, but that's highly unlikely. These guys are all old-school mafia values, and DeLay is an integral part of their crew. It would be like Tony Soprano giving the go-ahead for some low-level peon to knock off Silvio. Hell, even when Pussy had to be knocked off, Tony at least had the class to be actively involved in the task.

No, what you're looking at is the low- to mid-level captains chafing at the nonsense that cultivating the snake-handler vote has wrought the entire party. It's starting to flow north, slowly, inexorably, but only in the way that shit-ridden sumps do when they just get too damned full, and start leaking at all sides. DeLay has done nothing but piss people off and fuck around; the real miracle is that it's taken this long to get the bastard.

The real story is just how absent Democrats have been from this low-tech lynching, which would have been remarkably easy, and amazingly productive for them. Perhaps, per usual, they have been involved, sotto voce, not wanting to look like usurpers or whatever. So much the worse for them; nothing wrong with usurping someone whose congressional sobriquet is (sadly) "the Hammer". Whatever the case, they need to realize right now that the only way DeLay's demise works for them is if they take his district. If they do, the proverbial domino theory will probably be in play, but the way these pussies operate, that's a big if. The fact of the matter is, for the truly muscular liberal, the midterms await -- 2006 is payoff time, baby. All we have to do is grab that fucking brass ring.

So call the roller of big cigars already, and let him whip his proverbial concupiscent curds out of DeLay's scroungy ass. Let the Republican party rediscover its heart, its brain, and its soul, all in one swell foop. Let be be finale of seem.

Update: DeLay has since expressed contrition at his "inartful" (apparently Tommy takes English as a Second Language classes with the Malaprop-In-Chief) choice of words in excoriating activist judges (that is, judges who make ruling that hurt DeLay's wittle feewings). Nice try, asshole. Good luck unringing that bell.

DeLay also opined that the GOP's 1994 "Contract With (On) America" ranks up there in all-time document standing with, um, the Magna Carta. Yes, the roll of 2-ply asswipe that put the current group of bozos in charge to lawn-dart the US ranks right up there with the document that heralded the end of serfdom, and eventually led to the Renaissance, the Reformation, the Englightenment, and the Age of Reason.

The thing about DeLay is, neither he nor his idiots realize just how fucking dumb and flat-out ignorant they really are. It's pretty scary if you think about it.