Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Hard Work, Good People, 'Nuff Said

Parsdent Cooter decides to take hisself a break from brush-clearin' at the ol' rancheroo down thar, y'know, in Texas, 'cause if y'ain't heard none tell yet, he's a Texan thru n' thru. He comes from a place where men are men and sheep are scared. He's like Gary Cooper, except without the brains or the balls. Still, plenty o' folk'll tell ya that Parsdent Cooter, he's the real deal, because they'd rather eat a six-pack of shit than actually think critically about what the pastor down at the ol' megachurch was sayin'.

So where were we? Ah yes, Cooter welcomes the thieving asshole Clown Prince Abdullah from Saudi Arabia, whose fundie loons make ours look like Unitarians.

Now, Cooter wanted to get Abdullah out to the ranch to meet Hoss and Little Joe, and sit a spell and grab a rake and help with the brush, and talk about Murkins' concern over their high gas prices. After all, we were kinda sorta hinted to that this whole Iraq thing would pay for itself and well, it hasn't. In fact, we're $300 bn into it at this point, and the re-invention of the Iraqi electoral wheel is stuck in a parliamentary ditch as of late. Wait till they start working on their constitution.

But I digress. Let's hear Cooter's wisdom as to the current price crunch, a 35% increase over the past 100 days:

"One thing is for certain: The price of crude is driving the price of gasoline," Bush said. "The price of crude is up because not only is our economy growing, but economies such as India and China's are growing."

Okay. That's it; that's fucking it. This is a put-on, right? "The price of crude is driving the price of gasoline"? Well no fucking shit, Sherlock. For fuck's sake, this fucking moron has an MBA from Harvard? Do they just hand 'em out to anyone who walks up and can pronounce it by the third try?

So. The price of crude is driving the price of gasoline, you say. Hmmm, interesting. Really, us retards out in the real world hadn't thought of that one, genius. Thank your petro-god you came along at just the right time to lay it all out for us. Shit, we woulda just sat here in a corner sucking our thumbs and wondering.

I swear to all that is holy, I have read that paragraph a half-dozen times now, and I am just floored. Just fucking stunned. I don't know if he's retarded, or he thinks that we're all retarded, or both. Maybe neither; maybe he really does think this is some arcane wisdom being revealed here.

Hey, you fucking retard: We know why gas prices are high, asshole, we just want to know what you're going to do about it. I'd seriously like to take every idiot values voter and force them to hear the Clip O' Stupidity until their heads explode. Better yet, they should watch it, so they can see Gary Cooper his own bad self walking around holding hands with another guy. Guess he does have a man-date, after all.

Soon as I can figure out how to dumb it down enough to be realistic, I'll have to start a series on George W. Bush Explaining How Shit Works. I may have to get my four-year-old involved in this one.

Saudi Arabia has outlined a plan to increase production capacity to 12.5 million barrels a day by 2009 from the current 11 million limit. Saudi Arabia now pumps about 9.5 million barrels daily. If necessary, Saudi Arabia says it will eventually develop a capacity of 15 million barrels a day.

Uh-huh. I'm sure they're doing everything they can, lickety-split. Because the alternative would be raking in impossible amounts of dough, and that would just suck. Papa needs a new thingy on his head!

National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley said the plan could be seen as positive news by financial markets.

"The problem in the oil market now is a perception that there is inadequate capacity," Hadley said. Reassurance that can be given to the market on available supply, he said, should "have a downward pressure on the price."

Good thing this shithead is in charge of, um, national security. Basically, if we all believe in fairies and clap our hands, we can all be reassured and the gas prices will magically start coming back down. Yayyy!

Sounds suspiciously like our War On Some Terror, don't it?

At a Small Business Administration conference, Bush thought his $2 billion per year initiative to research coal was worthy of merit. Yeah. Coal. Funny how we spend a billion a week occupying the world's second-largest proven oil reserves, but this moron thinks spending $2 bn per year on old tech is something to brag about.

This must be where that MBA comes in, once again.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch:

Other issues, including terrorism, prospects for peace between the Israelis and Palestinians, Syria's role in Lebanon, and democratic change in the Middle East, filled the leaders' meeting and discussion over lunch. They agreed to set up a high-level committee, headed by Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and the Saudi foreign minister, to deal with strategic issues.

Spreading democracy is a second-term goal that could affect Bush's legacy, yet high gas prices are a drag on his popularity.

See now, democracy is where the people, uh, um, the people....the people go vote. Yeah, that's democracy. And freedom™! That's freedom, too. An' they're on the march an' they're spreadin' the freedom an' the democracy, see? That's how that works. An' then ya go to a place there, a votin' booth, see, an' uh, well, an' you pick the fella -- or in some cases the lady -- who ya like. Or maybe yer friends like him -- or her -- an' they tell you about 'em. See, that's democracy.

An' we can talk in circles about democracy all live long day, so long as we don't talk about it in the places where we rely on our oil supply, so's everyone can keep their Hummers on the road. See, 'cause that's why God likes us best, that's why He gave us all Hummers. [snickers a little too long, through his nose like the fucking moron that he is]

So I would say, in conclusion, that payin' $3.50 per gallon o' gas is like a big breath o' democracy! An' we should all breathe deep, an' collect our dividend checks, an' give the good Lord His cut of the action.

An' that's why I like democracy better than all the other ways, the end.

Seriously. This guy is less than a disgrace, he's a stain.


Eli said...

I think, what the problem here is, is that, the oil is *hiding*.

Heywood J. said...

Ha ha ha! Yup, and what we got to do here is smoke 'im out of his hole.

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