Thursday, April 21, 2005

Top Ten Reasons Why John Bolton Is So Angry

(as read by John Bolton)

10. That fucking treacherous cocksucker Voinovich is going to regret the day he crossed me. I'm gonna go through his garbage and climb up his fucking ass like a king-size gerbil.

9. Stupid fucking cunt assistant knows goddamned well I like TWO sugars, NOT one! TWO SUGARS! Got that, bitch? You're doing it on purpose, aren't you?

8. Who the fuck wants to know?

7. Fucking North Koreans kept calling me "Colonel Sanders", and asking me for "bucket of flied chicken" in the middle of nuclear negotiations, snickering and mugging like Mickey Rooney the whole time. As in, "We cease all nuclear production at Yongbyon immediately -- for bucket of flied chicken!". Fucking assholes.

6. Goddamned fags getting married. What the fuck is this world coming to?

5. What kind of fucking turd loser asshole thinks that a UN diplomat has to be either diplomatic or approve of the UN's existence, much less both? Jesus Christ, make up your fucking mind already, Comrade.

4. That fucking frog bitch in the Audi that cut me off in traffic the other day. She fucking saw me, I know she did, because she flipped me off back!

3. I really just want to be held.

2. People seem to think there's something fucking funny about the blinds not matching the drapes. You know what's funny about that, wisenheimer? Nothing! I'll have you counting caribou droppings in Nome for the rest of your rotten fucking life if you cross me, I swear to fucking God. Oh, hi, Mister President! Heywood and I were just discussing Alaskan environmental policy -- weren't we, Heywood?

1. Because it's possible -- unlikely, but remotely possible -- that someone in the liberal media might put down their fucking Pope-goggles for two seconds and talk about some of the major ways I have personally made the world a much more dangerous place, through reckless brinksmanship with North Korea and Iran, and through defunding and foot-dragging programs designed to round up all the old Soviet nukes so they don't fall into al-Qaeda's hands. If people knew the truth about what a useless, feckless sack of shit I was, I'd be this month's Bernie Kerik, without the Ground Zero fuck-pad and the funky hizzos.


Attaturk said...

Nice job Heywood, very nice indeed.

Craig Heath said...

What did he throw at YOU while he chased you down the hotel hallway, Heywood?

Anonymous said...

Flied chicken!!! Holy shit but that's funny!!!

The Liberal Avenger said...


Forseti said...

hehe... noice.

Anonymous said...

You would be pissed too if a damn beaver lived under your nose.

-John Gillnitz

jurassicpork said...

"Boo me, will they? Hey, Morgan Freeman, or whatever your fucking name is. You're the Secretary General, right? Keep those other 190 cocksuckers in line, capish, yoiu ersatz nigger?"

Funny stuff, Heywood.

Anonymous said...

Reason no. 11:

"And what the hell's wrong with these bitches, anyway? Nobody's into swinging any more. God, my balls are beyond blue by now..."

Wally said...

Frickin' brilliant! :)

RonB said...

Very strategic blogwhore, my man. 'Course, if you weren't as good as you are, it wouldn't have worked.

I'm always pleased to see another big blogger figure out you need more audience. Let me just say for the record that I was into Heywood before he was cool! Posers!

nikto said...

The nicest, most positive things I can say about Bolton is that he is vile scum who lies daily, hurts America, joyously promotes war & death, and he insults the baby Jesus with every words he says.

Like I said, those are the BEST things about him.

If I told you about his BAD side, you'd really start to dislike the guy.

Stick to the positive, is what I always say.