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Sunday, April 24, 2005

God's Pharmacy

Much has been said about the current vogue of paladin pharmacists unilaterally invoking God's Divine Will at such cathedrals as Walgreen's and Rite-Aid. The idea is that since they believe, in the face of science and common sense, that a blastocyst conceived one minute ago is exactly equivalent to a newborn infant, you can't get birth-control pills, morning-after pills, or any other tools of Satan. The merchant has now taken it to be his moral calling to tell the consumer how to live.

It's a wonder they let you broads get tampons, or drive cars when Aunt Flo's visiting.

Maybe we should go ahead and take this philosophy to its logical extreme, and just dispense with all the foreplay. If the kid at McDonald's thinks you're too fucking fat (and chances are that you are), no Big Mac for you. Have a nice salad, Tubby. Your cholesterol-clogged heart will thank me later.

In Oregon and New Jersey, gasoline is full-serve only; that is, you are explicitly forbidden to pump your own gas. An otherwise unemployable minion comes out and does it for you. Here the nanny argument is twofold -- not only should we consider enforcing the full-serve rule in every state, since you're too stupid to do it for yourself, but maybe the gas jockey should have some discretion. Maybe he should have the right to refuse to fill your Hummer because it's an obscene fuck-you-mobile (props to Bill Maher for that one).

Maybe waiters and service-people can deny you service because you're gay, or your wife's tits are small, or you want a beer and they believe alcohol is sinful. You get the idea.

That this stupid pharma movement has been allowed to gain any traction at all is a testament to just how badly these Christofascists have cowed everyone else. There are more of us than there are of them, people. (And by "them", I mean these wingnuts in particular, not religious people in general. I shouldn't even have to point that out, but I do.)

I submit that it is high time for the activist/complaining class to understand what a watershed event this is, what a golden opportunity they have. Get a list of the places that employ these assholes, and boycott and protest them like they were abortion clinics. Publish their names and addresses and phone numbers on the internets.

Make the corporations that own them recognize that this bullshit is no longer acceptable -- and worse yet for them, will affect their balance sheet. Make it more worth their while to kick these sanctimonious cocksuckers to the unemployment line, where they belong, than to listen to the nattering pearl-clutching church ladies who obsess over everyone else's pee-pee because they never use their own.

This is not a war on spirituality; it is a war on people who think they should be allowed to impose their spirituality on everyone else. It is high time we drew that line in the sand, before we get steamrolled.

5 comments:

nelly123 said...

Cool your jets, cowboy.

You're forgetting that these interfering fuck burgers live to die like martyrs. (Well, not literally "die", 'cause they're also cowards.)

They feel themselves victimized already, and if you go after them this harshly, you're only helping them erect their trailer park crucifixes.

When the chain stores begin to feel their economic nuts in a vise, then pressure will come from local managers to clamp down on these unministering ministers.

I get great joy from imagining the bosses, good christians themselves, preaching the separation of church and profit.

Craig Heath said...

Here's a thought-experiment. How 'bout I get a job at B. Dalton, then refuse to sell someone a copy of Rick Warren's The Purpose-Driven Life because it will rot their brain.

Here's a copy of Kant's Learning How to Think. When you've finished that, come back to take a quiz and I'll give you a copy of Critique of Pure Reason.

Just a thought.

Heywood J. said...

You know, if I worked at a bookstore, and somebody walked up to my register with fucking Chicken Soup for the Soul, or some damned I-once-bumped-into-Scott-Peterson-and-Robert-Blake-on-the-subway memoir, I'd pretty seriously consider refusing service, with a pointed offer of the jaws of life to pry the offender's head (and my foot) out of their ass.

That's why I decided on something other than selling stupid books to stupider people for a career. Would that these pharmacists of perfect morality exercised that same obvious choice, and left the heathens to their pagan undertakings.

Oh, frabjous day!

Heywood J. said...

"Interfering fuck burgers". Beautiful. I might have to use that, and I promise that I will properly attribute it if I do, Nelly.

As a bonus, it conjures up a nice absurdist Homer Simpson take: Mmmm....interfering fuck burger....[gratuitous drooling tongue loll]

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