[excerpted from this morning's propitiously titled "America Supports You Freedom Walk And Two Minutes Of Hate Sponsored By Clint Black And WalMart]
Fella 'mercans:
Today marks the fourth anniversary of a completely unpredictable attack on our shores. No matter how many memos we received highlighting the nefarious intent of Osama bin Laden and his evil henchmen, unfortunately none of them gave us the precise date, time, and place of the prospective attack. Thus our hands were tied, and our feet were bound, with that twine that cuts into your skin. There may or may not have also been a ball-gag involved.
Anyway, all you need to know is that we did everything we could. After the attacks of 9/11/01 I swore to you that we would capture bin Laden, dead or alive. Notice that I didn't say when.
Now, some of you may be wonderin' just why we're doin' this here Freedom Walk. Well, frankly, I think many of you could use more walkin'. It's good for ya. Me, I have a elliptical trainer and a $3000 Trek bike with a graphite frame. If you have the means, I highly recommend one. As my hero Ferris Bueller said, it is so choice.
But back to your wonderin'. Some of you may be thinkin' that it's tacky and inappropriate to be commemorating the anniversary of such an awful, earth-shatterin' event with plastic dog-tags and a walk to Arlington National Cemetery to observe the fallen heroes of the current Iraq War. After all, my administration and I have implied that Iraq had nothin' to do with 9/11 almost half as many times as we insisted that they probably might have done it. So it may seem like a mexed mis -- uh, mixed message we're sendin' here.
Nothin' could be further from the truth. As I have said since day one of this fiasco, freedom takes place in March. Is on the March. Comes before April. Whatever. Bottom line -- don't hate the playa, hate the game. My colored friend Condi taught me that one. [snickers uncontrollably for thirty seconds]
I would point out to our detractors that hating America is wrong. It is also really bad, because we have done what we said we would do, for the reasons we gave at the time. We have removed one member of the "Axis of Evil", which we were kind enough to identify for the rest of the world. See how that works? Without us, you'd never have known about them -- they'd have just been doin' evil stuff out there, while we were all just goin' about our bidness.
So we have removed this member of the Axis of Evil, and let me say that it has gone as planned. Bring 'em on. Full steam ahead. No sleep 'til Hammersmith. And so forth. The point is, there is now an open slot in that Axis of Evil.
And that is why we will be invading Venezuela tomorrow at dawn.
Listen, folks. You like oil. I like oil. We need it; it's ours. It is Mr. Chàvez' obligation -- no, his duty -- to ensure that we will not have to worry about how we're gonna fill up our Hummers, see? It's as simple as that.
Compounding that simple fact is this -- in one of my hands here, or possibly tucked inside this here stand (that's Texan for "podium") I have me some digitalized satellite photographs. These here photos prove conclusively that Mr. Chàvez, in cahoots with al Qaeda and the Irish Republican Army, caused Hurricane Katrina. Using a network of enormous super-sophisticated evaporative coolers (in Texas we call 'em "swamp coolers"), equipped with high-speed centrifuges, Mr. Chàvez deliberately and with malice aforethought made this here storm thingy happen.
Worse yet, he specifically timed it while I was on my workin' vacation, and headin' to give my good friend John McCain a nice birthday cake. Just for makin' me look bad, he needs to be taken out. And not for a burger and a beer, though that does sound kinda good right now.
By the way, the Senator greatly enjoyed his cake. It was what we usedta call "German chocolate", but is now officially "liberty and democracy coated torte".
Now, we want the Venezuelan people to know that we are on their side, that we are doin' 'em a favor by removing a despotic tyrant who has butchered and tortured his people for generations with his bad poetry. Who does this guy think he is, Rod McKuen?
So as we finish our walkin' exercise for freedom, and listen to my good friend Clint Black unveil his new war song, Venezuela Blows, I want you to remember that if'n I wanted to, I could disappear you to Gitmo in the time it takes to pass out from chokin' on a pretzel. Just shut up, go back to work, and let the big boys pull the strings.
Thank you, and God Bless America.
10 comments:
Go fuck yourself, Chimpy!
HAARP
It was no natural storm.
Terry C:
Word up. I've been singing that song since the summer of 2000. Some days you wake up and for a first few precious seconds, it all seems like a ridiculous bad dream. No way would the apex of 10,000 years of human civilization and endeavor deliberately choose such a mouth-breathing moron to mind the store.
Then reality hits, and I go back to realizing that we've spent the past five years getting looted by Chimpco, a division of Cheneyburton.
But hey, at least we weren't looted by negroes, or gay married terrorists, right?
Anonymous:
You know, I recall a few folks talking about HAARP as the cause of the earthquake that triggered the Indonesian tsunami. I haven't read anything terribly in-depth about the technology though.
If you have any good HAARP links for the kids out there to peruse, feel free to post 'em.
Unfortunately, bin Laden was the best thing that ever happened to the Shrub.
Also unfortunately, the reverse is equally true.
No offense, Hammer, but if you were so precocious in school, you must be having a job these days that offers you reasonable health coverage. So how come you don't have health insurance.
Mind you, I'm not saying that health and social services are OK in America; they're not. In fact, the country has been the thigh-slapping joke of the West in that respect fr decades now. But, by and large, people with your background would have access to medical assistance? Or am I just a foreigner who doesn't know shit?
On a different note, while it's entirely legitimate to criticize, indeed bash Bush and his bunch of crooks and liars, this oversimplifies the issue. There is still a worryingly high percentage of Republicans who support this evil moron. And then, how did he get elected in the first place--and twice, for that matter? Don't tell me that he stole both elections; he might have, but that's beside the point. My point is that he shouldn't have gotten more than 3% of the votes--I still think that you can always expect 3 to 5 percent of any population to stick with a retarded, bumbling frat boy come what may. But not more than that. Then the problem is: what are the people who still support him smoking? Or, if they're not on crack, what the HELL is wrong with them? And how come more political bloggers don't ponder this question more often?
Then the problem is: what are the people who still support him smoking?
Lots and lots of money. The fumes draw corporate lobbyists like flies.
Or, if they're not on crack, what the HELL is wrong with them?
They like the status quo, which has been in place for about 25-30 years.
And how come more political bloggers don't ponder this question more often?
Because (at least for me personally) writing about it more than once a week gets depressing.
Got it, StealthBadger.
But, y'know, if we don't tell them they're stupid when they are, no one else will. Or they'll think they're actually smart, and begin to push their shit even more forcefully down our throats. Intelligent design, anyone?
Man there is alot of comment spam I have noticed. Is there any way to remove it from the blogs?
Man there is alot of comment spam I have noticed. Is there any way to remove it from the blogs?
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