The Chimp Who Would Be King

The book of law is the Bible to him
And any crime committed is a sin
He keeps the peace with his law-giver
Judge, jury, and executioner.
....
I am the law, and you won't fuck around no more.

-- I Am The Law, Anthrax (1987)

His Majesty is displeased.

President Bush today mounted his third defense in two weeks of his secret domestic spying program, calling his order authorizing warrantless eavesdropping on U.S. citizens a limited, legal program that Americans understand is protecting their security.

Taking questions from reporters after a brief stop at an Army hospital in San Antonio to visit wounded troops, the president acknowledged concerns that monitoring overseas telephone calls and e-mails of citizens with suspected ties to terrorism may violate civil liberties. But he called his directive to the National Security Agency (NSA) after the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks "vital and necessary" to protect the country.

"This is a limited program designed to prevent attacks on the United States of America, and I repeat limited," Bush said before flying back to Washington after six days cloistered on his ranch in Crawford, Tex. "I think most Americans understand the need to find out what the enemy's thinking.

"If somebody from al Qaeda is calling you, we'd like to know why."

This is so transparently disingenuous, it scarcely mentions coverage by any legitimate news organization, which may be why Pravda gave it a shot. Maybe Boob Woodward could have put his own personal touch on it, told us proles how Cheney and Rumsfeld cornholed him in an East Wing closet while whispering sweet, secret nothings about the inner workings of policy formation.

This is fucking bullshit, pure and simple. FISA has denied about a quarter of a thousandth of a percent of its warrant requests in its 25 years, and it permits retroactive warrants to secure legality (and avoid the taint of illegally gotten evidence).

I have two questions for any responsible Republicans who may yet remain (though I really don't see how; the term is rapidly gaining the oxymoronic value of "jumbo shrimp"):

1. If it's such a great idea, then why wouldn't either John Ashcroft nor his well-regarded Republican deputy AG, Jim Comey, sign off on it? Why'd they have to do a super-secret end-run around the whole thing?


2. This one's been asked before, but it bears repeating: The GWOT/GSAVE appears to be indeterminate in length right now. It is entirely likely that whoever gets elected in 2008 gets the reins with all these nifty secret superpowers Bush has given himself (along with, one presumes, the usual increases in his character ability scores). Say that '08 winner is Hillary Clinton. How do you feel about them superpowers now?

I'm sure there'll be some faux-distinguished harrumphing about that last one at the Corner of J-Pod Cul-de-sac and Doughy Pantload Boulevard soon enough, with the usual solemn pronunciamentos about how only a party of mature brush-clearin' folk can wield such weapons of power. And I'm sure they know what they can do with such shopworn tripe. Hopefully it won't leave too many paper cuts along their collective cloaca.

Questions about whether Bush overstepped his constitutional authority and violated a law intended to prevent the government from spying on its citizens without court approval are likely to be central to hearings planned this month by lawmakers, who stepped up their criticism today.

Sen. Charles E. Schumer (D-N.Y.) said he supports a Senate investigation into who leaked classified information on the spying program. But he said the issue of whether the president skirted the law when he embarked on the program is more important than who leaked the information.

Schumer said today that he has sent a letter to Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Arlen Specter (R-Pa.) calling on him to request testimony from Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales, White House Chief of Staff Andrew H. Card Jr. and former attorney general John D. Ashcroft. Specter, who has expressed "grave" doubts about the program, has vowed to conduct hearings this month.

"I hope the White House won't hide behind saying, 'Oh, executive privilege, we can't discuss this,' " Schumer said on "Fox News Sunday." "That's the wrong attitude."

Hey, wish in one hand, shit in the other, Chuck. You know that's what they're gonna tell you. You're on a need-to-know basis, Senator. Besides, you've already been consulted, right? Dear Leader said so, so it must be true.

Along with the Senate, the Justice Department announced last week that it has opened a criminal investigation into disclosures about the domestic wiretaps, revealed last month by the New York Times. Today, Bush said the leaks could cause "great harm" to the United States. "There's an enemy out there."

Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.), speaking on Fox, agreed that finding out who leaked details of the spying program is crucial "because whoever leaked this information has done the U.S. and its national security a great disservice."

But he said the investigation may be more appropriately handled by the Senate Intelligence Committee, where many discussions are held behind closed doors. "We're talking about this entirely too much out in public as a result of these leaks and it's endangering our efforts to make Americans more secure," McConnell said.

Mitch McConnell needs to go back to molesting goats in Cooter's Holler. He's not just a hack, he's a shameless hack. If the RNC told him to stand buck-naked in his front yard and proclaim his love for cock to every available media outlet, he'd suggest a sample cock on which he could demonstrate said love, and bring kneepads and a footstool. McConnell is a serious person like Ashlee Simpson is a great singer.

But it's funny, isn't it, how they're suddenly so concerned about leaks and all. Not only is this obviously hypocritical in the face of what's transpired in the Rove/Plame scandal, but Bill Keller sat on this fucking story for a full year before Izvestiya finally decided to that Bush's popularity was low enough for them to grow a pair. So Bush knew that Keller knew, and yet why no internal leak probe then? My, this just gets curiouser and curiouser.

It's almost axiomatic that, like everything else, the pivotal role in all this is Big Time's. Either Darth Cheney and Grand Moff Rumsfeld simply told Bush "go ahead and do it; we'll get permission later", or Cheney's been coordinating with the Pentagon's own domestic spying campaign on al Qaeda allies like PETA. Probably both. We'll get to the bottom of it, in the course of the dog-and-pony show put in charge of finding the leak.

Good thing the adults are in charge. Thanks again, values voters!